I like to think that porn crews have production meetings. I’m sure most of the bigger productions do, but for smaller companies, the director probably thinks up the plot while driving to set nursing a hangover, and the entirety of the production meeting is a five-minute discussion with the cameraman and the actors.

Mostly, though, I like to fantasize about the crew sitting around a table while a writer pitches them the idea for the plot.  The director – let’s call him John – sits down, flips open his netbook, and looks across the table at the writer, who we’ll call Ralph.

We open with a title card, then a slow pan down from the bathroom mirror as Anne Howe, also known as Melissa Ashley, sings “I Wanna Marry A Lighthouse Keeper”, which immediately makes me think of A Clockwork Orange. It’s not a mood-killer, but it’s close.

She’s in a bubble bath soaping herself up, and suddenly wonders “Where is my rubber ducky?” It’s sitting just behind her, so it doesn’t take her long to find it and start talking to it and kissing it. 

Anne does her best to put a childlike inflection on her voice, which has always kind of been her thing since she looks like she’s about 12 years old. It is a little extremely creepy.

I’m not sure if Anne is improvising or delivering scripted lines, although I’d guess a combination of both. Neither are delivered well, but then again, porn stars can’t act. A couple of the best lines:

• “If I ever get married, rubber ducky, I want you to be there too, okay?”
• “Don’t get lost over there, rubber ducky!”

We get plenty of lingering shots of her soaping up her breasts – or, to be more precise, her nipples, since Anne is somewhat unique among porn stars in that she’s flat as a board. Then an ominous shot of the ducky floating among the bubbles.

I’d give my eye teeth if the theme from Jaws suddenly started playing, but apparently that wasn’t in the budget. However, in actually a fairly nice effect (which I’m sure was accomplished by the director telling Anne “Hold the bottom of the ducky and when I say go, pull it underwater”) the ducky is yanked underwater.

Anne gives us her surprised face and then spends awhile searching the bathtub  for the duck while improvising lines.

Anne: “Where are you, this isn’t funny anymore!”

After a minute or two of this, we cut away, and suddenly a man in a really bad duck costume pops up from beneath the bath water and audibly chokes as he starts quacking. This is JJ Michaels.

Then he slams himself bill-first into her snatch.

Anne is somewhat surprised that her rubber ducky has suddenly and inexplicably turned into a man wearing a duck face chowing down on her lady bits, but she quickly recovers and we get another gem:

Anne: “Rubber ducky, you’re doing such weird things to my pee-pee!”

Back to the production meeting:

John “We need some kind of angle, though. How are we gonna market this?”

Ralph “Let’s cast an 18-year-old who looks like a 12-year-old and have her talk like a 6-year-old.”

John “Gold.”

Anyway, that’s about it. Over the next 25 minutes of the 28-minute scene, she give s him head (“What is that?” she says, as she glimpses his throbbing dong for the first time. Despite this, she proves surprisingly efficient at sucking cock) is pounded on the edge of the bathtub, is fucked in the ass (“Oh, ducky!” she moans). Finally, at the end she finds her ducky lying next to them and picks it up.

Anne: “Hey, there’s my rubber ducky! Who are you then?”

The fuck? This creep has been posing as her rubber ducky the entire time just to have sex with her! I think it’s called “rape by deception”.

Anne decides that who he isn’t doesn’t matter and makes out with the ducky on her knees while he jerks off and eventually ejaculates onto the rubber ducky and she licks the cum off and then we fade to black.

Overall, it’s probably one of the dumbest works of pornography I’ve ever seen. It gets bonus points for creativity, then loses them again by making me feel like Chris Hansen is going to have me take a seat over there. Still, what truly destroys any hope this scene ever had is that the man will. not. stop. fucking. quacking.

Imagine a man with a duck face on, saying “Quack quack quack!” in an annoying high-pitched voice. Then imagine him repeating that every five seconds…for twenty-five minutes.

You do not know pain until you’ve listened to a male pornstar quack like a duck 1,500 times. It’s absolutely excruciating.