I’ve read a lot of funny things in the comment section of porn websites, but one of the comments on this one is easily my favorite:

“Whoever wrote this needs to be shot,”

“Chunky Cheerleaders 3” stars a series of porn starlets who – judging by their coordination and dexterity – are not and have never been cheerleaders. And (even by porn star standards where normal = slightly emaciated) these are all pretty normal-sized ladies. You’d think the target audience for “Chunky Cheerleaders” wants some goddamn Chunky Cheerleaders, but apparently not.

We open on Audrey Rose and Cynthia sitting on the ground looking fairly unchunky. 

Cynthia: “I’ve got some serious shit to tell you, you’re not going to believe it.”
Audrey: “Really, what is it?”
Cynthia: “Want to see a dead cheerleader?

I’m in, movie. I sat down to masturbate and now I’m thinking about dead cheerleaders. Bring me to it. 

Audrey: “What are you talking about?”
Cynthia: “Down by the tracks. Out in Dyer’s Woods. I think it’s Roxy Blaze.”
Audrey: “Wow I heard she became a dirty hook-nosed heifer with a busted ass hymen and alcohol problem. Are you sure it’s her?

It’s worth noting that Audrey delivers this line staring into the camera, clearly reading it off a cue card, and absolutely butchers the delivery. Also, that’s a pretty harsh thing to say about one of your co-stars of this film, but maybe this becomes a thing later in the DVD.

Cynthia is sure, so Audrey agrees that yes, she’d would like to see the dead cheerleader, but she’s going to go get Laura first. We get a title card that says “a short while later…” and then cut to Audrey standing in a back yard looking around vacantly and saying “Laura, are you there?” with all charisma and inflection of…well, a porn star who can’t act. She wanders around and finds Dino Bravo lying on a towel shirtless, who asks her what all the excitement is about.

Audrey explains that she’s looking for Dino’s sister Laura (perfectly tying this script together) and that they found a dead cheerleader up in the woods, and they’re going to go have a look at it. Dino is nonplussed:

Dino: “Don’t waste your time.”
Audrey: “Why?”
Dino: “Because I got your stiffy right here for you.”

Then he pulls out his erect penis while visibly giggling at the line. 

Yep. That’s it. The dead cheerleader was all a set-up for a “stiffy” pun.

She strips off the cheerleader outfit, which was probably disappointing for the cheerleader fetishists, and she’s a very normal weight, which was probably disappointing for the chubby chasers. The two of them proceed to have very vanilla sexual intercourse which ends in male climax on her flat belly. And that’s about it. We never see the dead cheerleader. I was hoping for some more great lines, but no. Despite that, I threw together some suggestions in case anyone feels like remaking it:

Her: “I bet you like fucking me more than you’d like fucking a dead cheerleader out in the woods.”
Him: “Why?”
Her: “Because she’s probably rotting.”

Him: “Who’s a dirty slut?”
Her: “Statistically, the dead cheerleader.”

*later*

Her: “Your cock is so hard.”
Him: “Rigor mortis has set in, baby.”