This one comes to us courtesy of Boobwatch, an obvious Baywatch spoof from a show that was basically softcore pornography already and therefore begging for a porn parody.

We open with B-roll of an LA beach, then a medium shot on Lisa Ann in a red bathing suit staring off into the distance. She tells someone (via walkie-talkie) that it looks like someone is heading into shark-infested waters, and shouts “Code cock! Code cock!” I’m not sure what this means, it’s probably explained further in the full DVD which I definitely have not watched.

We then cut to Rocco Reed who climbs into a giant bubble bath in a very nice bathroom. He lies back, relaxing, and then a shrill whistle interrupts his reverie. “What the fuck is that?” he says, awkwardly.

For half a second I’m worried that the reason he’s narrating what is happening is because they didn’t bother to film Lisa Ann running, but then I realize they probably just added that line because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to tell that she’s supposed to be parodying Baywatch’s patented slo-mo jog with titties bouncing around inside a bathing suit. And…I’m really not sure what went wrong here. Sl0-mo is not a particularly difficult effect to pull off, even a low-budget porn shoot should be able to manage that. I think this is probably because Lisa Ann is wearing stilettos (poor form for a lifeguard) and just wasn’t able to run, slo-mo or otherwise.

Lisa: “No body of water is safe without a lifeguard.”
Rocco: “It’s two feet deep, lady, what are you doing here?”
Lisa: “You can relax, you’re safe now, your lifeguard is here.”

In what is truly a fine piece of acting, you can clearly see the terror in Rocco’s eyes as he realizes he has encountered a crazy person and is just going to try and ride it out without getting knifed to death in his bathtub.

The music gets all ominous in a “we’re clearly trying to make you think of the Jaws theme without being sued by John Williams” sort of way, and Lisa blows her whistle. She orders Rocco out of the water because there’s a shark. Rocco jumps out, but then points out that clearly there is no shark in the bathtub. Lisa is unruffled, and asks him if he’s glad there was a lifeguard present to save him.

Rocco thinks for a moment, but can’t come up with anything besides “Okay.”

And then they fuck.

I can’t even really be annoyed by this. This one is firmly in the “so bad it’s good” category.