A great deal of pornography revolves around putting people in scenes mimicking real-life scenarios and having sexual congress issue. People want to fuck their hot doctor. People want to fuck the hot cop. And people (frequently) want to fuck their hot psychiatrist.

We open on Julian St. Jox on the soda explaining that when he was sixteen, he wanted to join the swim team, but they wouldn’t let him for some reason. Never one to mince words, Lena Ramon gets right to the point:

Lena: “Have you thought about maybe it’s because of your dick?”

Julian isn’t sure, and improvises (poorly) on this, but Lena suggests again it’s because of his dick. If you were hoping the “swim team” hook was going to pan out, sorry, it’s immediately abandoned. Which sucks because the obvious direction is that he didn’t make the swim team because his dick was so large it created too much drag in the water for him to be successful. This is not that hard, people.

Lena asks if he’s looked at his dick lately and tried to understand what the problem is. Julian protests that his dick is normal, but nevertheless, Lena persists. He sputters, admits his dick is big. Lena jots that down and points out he’s not being super consistent and has referred to his dick as being both ‘normal’ and big’ and that he really needs to understand more about how his dick relates to other people. I’m starting to suspect Ms. Ramon has studied too much Freud.

Annoyed, Julian suggests maybe she should just look at it herself.

Julian whips it out, and it’s a fairly big dick because a) he’s black, and b) in porn. Lena puts down her notebook and helpfully explains that his judgment is clouded because he “sees his dick every day” but he needs to understand “how other people see it.”

Julian: “How do you feel when YOU see it?”
Lena: “JESUS THAT’S A BIG DICK!”

and, like his dick is a tractor beam pulling her mouth in, she slams it into her mouth. Lena blows him for a bit, then:

Lena: “Because I’m a professional, and fully certified doctor of psychiatry, I need you to get undressed.”

Julian obliges, she keeps polishing his knob, he goes exploring and pops a finger up the Hershey Highway, prompting this line:

Personally I feel like this would have played out better if she said BEFORE he put his finger in his ass and not after. Lena does ask him why he wants to put her finger in his ass, he says it’s because of his dick, she agrees, she goes back to choking on his dick. Again, wasted opportunity, why not something like:

Julian: “My parents never hugged me when I was a child, and I just want to feel warm and safe.”
Lena: “Interesting, does your finger feel warm and safe inside my ass?”
Julian: “Yeah, it’s pretty nice in here, it’s like a hug!”
Lena: “I feel like we’re on the verge of a breakthrough.”

Porn industry: you can have this for free.

Anyway, they fuck in a variety of positions and it ends the way porn normally does, and they decide to increase the sessions to twice a week…because of his dick. Julian asks if it’s covered by insurance, Lena says of course it is. We then cut to a different angle and Julian asks AGAIN if it’s covered by insurance, and Lena says again that it is.

Guys. It is generally a good idea to shoot more than one angle / take of your lines, that way you have options in the editing room. It is generally a bad idea to include both takes in your fucking movie, that makes zero sense. Have some goddamn professionalism.

Kissing: No.