Fans of pornography are keenly aware of the legendary “one-and-done” girls, young women who arrive on the scene, shoot a single pornographic film, and immediately leave, never to appear on greasy, potato-chip-crusted laptop screens again. Do they hate the experience? Were they assaulted and violated? Are they simply so disgusted by what happens that they cannot bear doing it a second time?

The answer is complicated. As it turns out, “one-and-done” happens somewhere between 10% to 30% of the time, while more than half of pornstars (53%) do 3 or more. I think that 3 is a somewhat arbitrary threshold, but at least we can confidently say that 47% of documented porn stars do 2 or 1 films before leaving the industry forever.

We can speculate endlessly as to the reasons. Certainly, many women could hate the experience and immediately leave, and I’ve read anecdotes that support this. Alternately, financial insecurity can play a large role, I’ve read many anecdotes that also support this. Considering that many Americans are a single missed paycheck away from eviction, it stands to reason that a desperate individual may shoot one or two scenes to pick up a quick paycheck and then bail once they’ve covered their bills.

No data exists – or is likely to ever exist – on who leaves the industry over disgust with what happens, but I’m sure it does, because bullshit like Clown Porn exists.

So we meet Kelly Cornflake (whose only porn credit is this film, and who also has one of the worst stage names of any porn star in history) who is lying on the bed bottomless, wearing a shirt that says COLLEGE and reading a book that says BOOK, which, credit where it’s due, that is pretty funny:

Onscreen text tells us that Daddy woke up late for work and also that Kelly is his adult, adopted daughter. Very important to get those facts established. We see Daddy, who is a hideous fat clown in a wifebeater and smeared makeup, surrounded by empty beer cans. We cut back and forth between him scratching his balls and Kelly working up a lather in the shower. They go through their morning routine, periodically interrupted by onscreen text that explains that Daddy is an alcoholic, as if we couldn’t have figured that out from the floor and bed littered with beer cans. We’re also treated to watching Daddy take a shit while Kelly fixes him the most repulsive-looking peanut butter and mustard sandwich ever captured on film:

Long story short, Daddy is already so fucked up he forgets his lunch, so Kelly decides to take it to him down at the clown factory. She comes through a curtain asking if anyone is around. There’s a burst of fake applause and music and some douche takes her by the elbow and escorts her over to a chair. Everyone joins in to scream the name of the TV show:

Kelly explains to the host that she was just “looking for – ” before the douche announced cuts her off to introduce our first clown. A voiceover which sounds like someone doing a bad Quentin Tarantino impression explains that he went to Harvard, he likes dunking, base jumping, and tiddlywinks. This is pornstar Dick Chibbles, which is not a great name for a porn star.

The announcer asks him to name the 7 Dwarves. Chibbles considers, then goes with “Itchy, Rashy, Dumpy, Slumpy, Bueller, Mr Cackle, and Bob.” This delightful list immediately makes me think of a yeast infection, and I wonder, not for the last time, why the fuck porn can’t focus on being titillating, instead of disgusting.

But the announcer says Chibbles is right, and he wins a blowjob. Kelly Cornflake offers a mild protest and then gets to sucking while a shitty 15-second talk show jingle plays on repeat, with random sound effects of fake applause and canned laughter play. It’s almost as offensive as watching a porn star named Kelly Cornflake fellate someone named Dick Chibbles wearing clown makeup.

This goes on until Chibbles blows his load on her face and we cut in with applause and laughter, and the announcer says they’ll need to meet the next contestant. The V.O. comes in and explains the next guy is from Vancouver B.C., is a worm farmer, catches javelins, and pees off high buildings. The V.O. and the chyron introduce him as “Jizzy” but the announcer introduces him as “Jazzy” which Jizzy immediately corrects to “Jizzy”. No second takes. I’m loving the production quality. The announcer asks how many tits a camel has. Jizzy says “16”. The buzzer blares which sounds like a buzzer for a wrong guess, but the announcer says Jizzy won and he gets to fuck Kelly Cornflake.

So they fuck. Not immediately, because they’re doggy-style, and Jizzy is having some problems finding her vagina. I was confused at first so I looked this up. It seems this was only the 7th porno for “Jizzy”, aka Travis Lee, – and of the previous six, two were called “My First Sex Teacher” and two more were called “My Friend’s Hot Mom” and we also know he did gay porn as well, so it’s entirely possible he literally has no idea where a vagina is located.

The movie hangs a lampshade on it with a V.O. saying “he can’t find the hole” and a burst of canned laughter, but with Kelly’s help he gets it in and there’s some uninspired fucking. At some point, probably to try and distract us from how terrible this porn is, the producers change the colors to film negative in different shades. Eventually he empties his yogurt slinger over Kelly’s lower back.

We transition back to the announcer and over the sound effect of a toilet flushing he says “We all know what that sound means, don’t we?” Yes, asshole, it’s the sound of your career being flushed down the shitter. Way to bottom out of the fucking porn industry you colossal fucking tool.

Announcer douchebag explains it’s “Mime Time” and the chyron appears over monkeys squealing.
Okay. Let me try to explain what happens next. I swear I’m not insane.

The clown actors wheel over a taxidermy’d camel and Kelly climbs on top. Then they pick up a tiny TV with a mime on it and hold it directly behind her ass.

While carnival music plays, a mime bounces around on the screen to look like he’s eating out or fucking her ass, respectively. Finally it ends, and in a rare moment of self-awareness, the announcer says we’ve seen enough of that for a lifetime. I genuinely don’t understand how someone could have the mental capacity to state that and not immediately kill everyone involved in this production, burn up all the videotape and backups, and then end their own life, if only to prevent me from someday typing these words.

Fuck.

A clown gets out of a car and his glasses fall to the street and he (accidentally?) steps on them. The announcer says (thankfully) it’s our final contestant and makes Kelly put on a blindfold. Daddy then comes stumbling through the door, piss drunk, chewing gum, and muttering about his broken glasses. The announcer says it doesn’t matter since he doesn’t need to see, and this is their final game, “Mystery Fuck”. They bend Kelly over an exercise ball and she gets fucked by her stepdad for a mercifully short length of time.

Toward the end they drop packing peanuts from the ceiling. Kelly takes off her blindfold, asks “Daddy?”, then turns back, sees the clown, and screams “Daddy!” in unmitigated joy, which, disturbingly, is the only line she utters that even comes close to portraying true emotion.

Daddy screams in horror, we cut to a test screen, and then credits.

The worst part of this is…in the scene, Kelly says “Daddy” before she turns around. Which means that she had a pretty good idea of who was fucking her before she turned around, but did not stop having sex with them. And the only two ways she would know who was fucking her would be a) she recognized his sex grunting (disturbing) or b) she recognized his penis, by the feel of it (far more disturbing).

It’s at times like this, when I X out of the Firefox tab playing Clown Porn and see my reflection in my monitor screen staring back at me, that I really regret every choice that led me to this place. And, it seems, Kelly Cornflake feels the same way.