We open on enchanting Christmas music playing, interspersed with slow-motion shots of Luke Hotrod lighting candles and Tina Kay sensually stroking her thigh-highs and rubbing a finger around the rim of her martini glass like she’s trying to seduce it.

Luke brings a present and says that he knows they agreed not to get each other presents and all that, but he couldn’t resist. Tina Kay is all “Darling, you shouldn’t!” in her delightful British accent with just a touch of her Lithuanian background. I’m a fan.

Tina mentions they’ve been together for a number of years, and she also got Luke a present. She slowly takes off her dress revealing some spicy black lingerie with crotchless panties. They make out for a bit, Luke’s hands start to wander, but Tina stops him:

Tina: “I’ve got something else for you.”
Luke: “For me?”
Tina: “You wait here.”

We get a title card – ‘Sweet Surprise’ – which I appreciate, and then without further preamble, Tina leads Alexis Crystal into the room.

Always a little interesting when your Christmas present in is handcuffs.

Luke is confused but Tina says “Happy Christmas” because she’s British. Tina introduces Alexis and says she’s his Christmas present. Luke asks her if she’s sure, and Tina is so sure that she kisses Alexis passionately and starts licking her tits.

The girls move to the couch and Luke puts his hand on Alexis’ thigh, but Tina stops him. First, he needs to sit back and watch them. Ah. I’m getting what’s going on here. It’s like the classic scenario where a man buys his wife a bunch of sexy lingerie. It’s a nice gift, but it’s really more for himself rather than her. I’m guessing Tina’s been getting a little restless – she mentioned that they’ve been married a while – and wanted to experiment with another woman, but is disguising her interest as part of sexy Christmas threesome that’s a present for Luke. That’s some 3D Chess right there.

So Tina goes down on Alexis for a bit and the threesome progresses as threesomes normally do. My theory is somewhat born out. For example, when Tina is riding Luke, she’s very clearly forcing Alexis’ head against her clit. This is definitely about her.

Also, there’s a moment where Tina says to Luke “Don’t you wish we were filming this?” which – is odd. Because someone is. I get that within the world of this porno, they’re not, but you’re also reminding the audience of that. It’s not deliberately breaking the 4th wall, but it’s breaking the illusion.

Anyway, they fuck and things end the way they normally do. One question that is left entirely unresolved is just who Alexis’ character is supposed to be. They don’t explain it and Luke clearly doesn’t recognize her. Maybe a high-quality call girl or escort? London has plenty of those. Although when Tina leads her in, Alexis is in handcuffs, which is concerning.

I’m going to just have to assume this is a white slavery situation and Alexis was kidnapped in the Czech Republic and sex trafficked into London, and either nothing whatsoever will be done about it, or Tina and Luke are about to be murdered by Liam Neeson.

Also, to all the ladies out there. A threesome is definitely what your husband wants for Christmas. Go out, hire a professional, have a great time. It’ll strengthen your marriage, I promise.