This one is called Heathenous Family Holiday Card, which, I’ll be honest, solid title. I’m not sure why they’re fucking around with the word “Holiday”, though. This is very clearly about Christmas, there are Christmas signs everywhere.
We open on Quinn Waters knocking on her daughter’s door. She goes inside, tosses a Christmas sweater to a sullen Riley Mae, and asks her to put it on and meet her downstairs in “two minutes”.
We then cut to Robert Baldwin knocking on his son’s door and then immediately going in. Oh boy. Robert. That’s a mistake right there. You don’t want to barge in on Dylan mid-vinegar strokes blasting his dick to octopus hentai. But his son – Dylan Snow – is just bitchily texting. Robert tosses him a t-shirt, says to put it on, family photo time, and meet them downstairs in “five minutes.” Wait a minute. Riley was first and was told two minutes, and now Dylan’s being told FIVE? This porno is all over the place, pull your shit together!
Downstairs, Robert and Quinn are arguing about the correct orientation of the phone for the Christmas photo. Holy Christ, this is giving me flashbacks.
So they take picture 1, Dylan looks sullen, Riley is bored, and her phone is clearly in view. Robert bitches them out, tells them to smile.
They take picture 2, Dylan still looks bored, so his parents keep yelling at him and telling him to smile. Jesus. I was not expecting this porno to be so personally traumatizing.
They take picture 3, and now Riley’s staring off to the side. The parents are incensed.
Robert: “Riley, what’s wrong with this picture?”
Riley: “Like he said, the whole thing.”
Robert: “We’re going to be here all day!”
Robert and Quinn start fussing over the family photos while Riley and Dylan start fooling around. Riley starts stroking Dylan’s crotch. Dylan gets his dick out and Riley starts giving him a not-super-surreptitious handy behind her back, so the next photo is ruined because Dylan’s eyes are rolling back in his head, but from the way they cut this porno together, the parents yell at Riley for ruining it, even though she was smiling perfectly.
Finally the parents decide Robert needs to iron his shirt and Quinn wants to touch up her hair so they head off. Their footsteps haven’t even faded into the distance before Riley drops to her knees and starts blowing him. She sucks dick for a bit, the parents come back, Riley jumps up and stands in front of Dylan, they take another picture, it fails as well.
Quinn decides she needs a cup of coffee and you know they should probably take the dog out.
Robert: “You have 10 minutes to get it together, guys. 10 minutes, and we’re taking the best picture ever taken.”
The parents leave and the fellatio begins again. You know, they haven’t established whether or not these are step-siblings, so as far as I’m concerned this is straight up incest. Hopefully they live in Alabama.
Anyway. Dylan and Riley fuck in a variety of positions and it’s not super interesting, except I assume between the filming lights, the blazing fire, and their Christmas sweaters, that they are working up quite the sweat.
Riley: “Let me taste your cum before our parents get back.”
Dylan shoots a fairly impressive load of Christmas custard all over Riley’s chin and down the front of her Christmas sweater. Some does get in her mouth, though. They say they need to get ready before Mom and Dad get back, and hastily re-dress.
Quinn comes back in and says their father is really mad and so he’s taking a bath, and they’ll have to try again tomorrow. She then immediately notices the massive load of jizz covering Riley’s chin and is, of course, horrified. She reaches out to feel it.
Quinn: “Oh my god! Is that what I think it is? Oh my god! What were you guys doing?”
Dylan: “Why would you touch it if that’s what you think it is?”
He’s making a compelling point.
Quinn says she’s telling their father and hurries out of the room to break the news to Robert who is already having a stressful day that his kids are incest-fucking next to the Christmas tree. I’m guessing that’s going to ruin his bath.
Kissing: No