While the poophole loophole has likely been around since the dawn of time, only in the last few decades – thanks largely to the Internet – has it really seeped into the collective public consciousness.

If you’re one of the unfortunate few not familiar with this concept, allow me to enlighten you. Many young women abstain from vaginal sex because they want to maintain their virginity for marriage, due to religious pressure / fear of becoming pregnant / what have you. That’s all well and good, but abstinence doesn’t work for a reason; they still have urges, and boyfriends who are D.T.F. Luckily, they can fall back on cognitive dissonnance, because a large percentage of the population believes that unless the penis actually enters the vagina, you’re still a virgin. And therefore, oral and anal are on the table.

If that doesn’t make any fucking sense to you, welcome to religion. Seriously. This is so common Garfunkel and Oates wrote a song about it.

Despite it’s popularity in the public, it’s fairly uncommon to see the poophole loophole referenced directly in porn. I’m not sure why; anal is ubiquitous, and pornographers are usually desperate to insert any plot that makes the actors reluctant to fuck each other, aka why incest is so popular. “I can’t have sex with you, I’m saving myself for Jesus!” seems like a great way to make that happen.

It’s probably not a coincidence the two scenes I found about the loophole also are very incesty.

The first scene – from “Teens Love Anal 3” – opens with Aspen Ora and Krissy Lynn talking to Filthy Rich. Filthy explains that with Aspen heading off to college this week, “there’s a lot of temptation in the world” and he and her mother want her to stay a virgin. Krissy explains that not long ago, she was Aspen’s age, which is very accurate, since Krissy is only 11 years older than Aspen, and looks it.

Krissy: “It’s important for you to stay pure, it’s what the good Lord wants.”

But what if, hypothetically, she finds herself straying into temptation:

Filthy: “I call it…the poophole loophole.”
Aspen: (Incredulous) “The poophole loophole?”
Krissy: “Your stepfather is so funny.”

Krissy explains she and Filthy want to show Aspen the ropes so her first time isn’t with some inexperienced boy. That makes sense, right?

I guess there really is no bad time to hit the ‘consent is important’ message, so kudos for that, but it does feel weird in a scene where a mom and stepfather anally fuck their daughter.

Filthy points at Aspen’s pubic bone, maybe two inches above her clitoris, and explains:

He then raises her leg and points toward what I presume is her asshole. “THIS down here…is green-light go.”

Filthy takes his dick out and explains to Aspen that it’s a penis, which always makes scenes a little weird, and she starts blowing him. Both parents make comments about Aspen being “a natural” to explain why she can deep-throat Filthy’s enormous schlong without noticeable effort. This goes on for a bit.

Krissy: “Sweetie, I’m going to go make you some iced tea and I’ll be right back to check on you.”
Filthy: “Thank you sweetie. Very thoughtful.”

It’s honestly kind of a nice moment in this incest porno.

Filthy tongue punches Aspen’s fart box for a couple minutes until Krissy comes back without any iced tea. But she does have some coconut oil which they use to lube Filthy up so he can start jackhammering Aspen in the ass. And again – kudos where it’s due – they stress the importance of lube when you’re having anal sex. Really, they’re hitting all the points, except “don’t fuck your stepdad while your biological mom coaches you”.

Aspen: “Oh god!”
Krissy: “You know I don’t like swearing, but this is the one time it’s okay.”

That’s right kids: it’s one thing to bang your stepdad, it’s another thing to take the Lord’s name in vain. That’s about it. Ultimately, way more about the incest than God’s loophole.

Our second scene features Erin Electra, a prolific actress who specializes in fake incest porn with her main scene partner, Matthias Christ, which is a great porn name.

Erin begins improvising, which is honestly the only thing worse than porn stars delivering scripted lines. Like with any poor improvisational actor; she hammers away at her points. Over the next five minutes we learn:

• Her mother has told her she needs to wait until marriage to have sex
• The girls at school make fun of her because she’s the only one who is a virgin
• She thinks it’s important to do what God says

At one point she throws up her hands and:

Matthias explains that there’s always a ‘way’, and that God talks about sex between a man and a woman and involving a penis and vagina, which is not quite scripturally accurate, but then he explains that there is, in fact, a loophole. Erin asks what it is and if it involves something other than a penis. Matthias quickly clarifies that no, involving the penis is very important.

We get this exchange:

Erin: “Of course Mom didn’t tell me about the loophole!”
Matthias: “She doesn’t really want to get into those things with you, you know, but that’s the position I’m in as your stepdad – not your real dad – I can talk to you about these things.”
Erin: “This is great news! I just need a penis in my butthole!”

Matthias says that there are not a lot of boys that are willing to ‘do that’ for her, which is patently false, but maybe he’s trying to set it up so he can cornhole her in a few minutes. Let’s see if I’m right.

Erin: “Well, do you know a penis?”
Matthias: gesturing at his junk “Uh, hello! I have a penis.”
Erin: “You would do that for me?!”

Turns out he would. Erin spins around, pulls up her skirt, and they continue awkwardly talking about how he’ll avoid her pussy while Matthias pulls his erect penis out of the dickhole of his pants and shoves it directly into her (hopefully pre-lubricated) asshole.

Good lord.

They don’t shut up as they continue to fuck. There’s a few interesting lines:

Erin: “This is pretty good. It kinda reminds me of a roller coaster.”

I don’t know of anything clever to say to that.

Matthias: “Just remember, we’re not done until the penis comes.”

This is non-lesbian porn we’re talking about, so *technically* true. Then we get this gem:

At one point they’re switching from reverse cowgirl to cowgirl, and Matthias is having a bit of trouble getting his penis into her ass and (immediately after mentioning he’s avoiding her pussy) says “Whoops.”

Uh-oh. Express elevator to Hell, population: Erin.

Anyway, he finishes and (without prompting) she slides off the bed and onto her knees so he can pop on her face, which really pulls me out of the scene. She’s supposed to be a virgin, shouldn’t he need to explain what a facial is?

All things being equal, I think that we need more poophole loophole storylines in porn, and we need to stop entangling it with this incest bullshit. If someone wants to jerk off to a Christian girl having anal sex to save the v-card for marriage, they shouldn’t have to listen to a bunch of nonsense about step-fathers while they’re doing so. As a society, we deserve better.