If you ask someone off the street, “name a porn plot”, they would probably make an excuse not to talk to you, but if they didn’t, the odds of them saying “banging the pizza guy” would probably top the list. The lonely woman sleeping with the delivery guy is about as ubiquitous as porn plots get.
Pizza delivery has a long and well-documented history in porn, but its current position in the public consciousness – including the theme of inserting one’s penis through a hole in the pizza box and the pizza – can be traced to Big Sausage Pizza, a website and DVD series that ran from 2003 to 2013 (ish) and has ~20 DVD releases and another ~25 or so individual scenes.
Despite its name, Big Sausage Pizza almost exclusively featured cheese pizza, because bad things happen when spices get near wet genitals. Room temperature pizza, because nobody wants their dick scalded by hot melted cheese.
Let’s take a look at a couple of these gems.
In “Alyssa Branch Gets Basil in Her Bush”, we open on some random unidentified CHUD sitting on the bed stroking his chihuahua, which is not a euphemism. Someone knocks on the door, our CHUD tells him to enter, and Eric John enters, putting on a terrible Italian accent and asking who ordered the pizza.
CHUD says it must have been his girlfriend who’s in the shower currently…but Eric can just go back there. Very accommodating.
We cut to Alyssa Branch soaping up her boobs in an enormous walk-in shower.
Eric: “Did you order a pizza pie?”
Alyssa: “Yeah I did, I need to rinse off, just set it over there.”
She’s really taking this in stride. Eric asks if he can use her toilet. She says yes. He drops trou, sits down, and slams the pizza against his lap. Then there’s a rather clever moment where there’s a close-up shot on the pizza box and we see the lid slowly rise, no doubt pushed up by his swelling erection. It’s legitimately funny. Then he starts openly jerking it.
You know, if I had a nickel for every porno where a woman was taking a shower, a dude comes into the bathroom to take a shit, and then he starts openly jerking off, I’d have 10 cents, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice.
That brings up a trope I’d honestly forgotten about in the decade or so since I last watched a surprise-dick-through-the-pizza porno. Many of the plots have the male talent surprise reveal their dick through the pizza, but the insinuation is that the male talent has prepared for this by cutting a hole through the box and pizza in advance to surprise the customer with their wang, and as we all know, when confronted with a Surprise Penis (in porn) 99% of women fucking love it. However, pretty regularly Big Sausage Pizza had moments where the male talent slams the pizza against their dick (mind you, while fully clothed) and we’re supposed to infer the brute force of their erection tore through their clothing AND punched a neat hole through the box and the pizza.
Anyway, Alyssa peeks around the corner and is delighted:
Alyssa: “Now that’s-a big sausage a-pizza!”
Her fake Italian accent is terrible.
Eric asks her if she wants a taste of the “big sausage pizza” and Alyssa comes back with “Is it pepperoni?” which – and correct me if I’m wrong here – I feel like we’ve been pretty clear that this is a big sausage pizza. To be slightly more clear, it’s a cheese pizza, with one dick in the middle.
Anyway. She blows him through the pizza, comments on being disappointed it’s only a cheese pizza, and then they move into the shower so he can fuck her through the pizza. And…I get that it’s very clever and all to title your porno about her getting basil in her bush, but Alyssa Branch doesn’t have a fucking bush! Her vagina is as smooth as veal cutlet!
I think there should be a reality show where contestants must masturbate to completion to increasingly ridiculous pornography. It would probably have to be made in Japan.
After this, they put the pizza away and fuck normally for the rest of the scene. Before the pop shot, Alyssa says “Cover me in sauce like a pizza pie” and he obliges.
In our next scene, we have a reversal where Nicole Aniston is the pizza delivery girl. She talks on the phone with a friend, mentioning her recent divorce and her new job in the food delivery service, cut to her walking up to a house in ridiculously tall heels. Okay. That’s officially the most unrealistic thing in this episode. Nobody delivers pizza in fucking stilettos.
Xander Corvus opens the door and invites her inside, which she does, because this is porn, and stranger danger doesn’t exist. He pays, but is infuriated when he opens the box and finds a cheese pizza:
Xander: “What the fuck is this?”
Nicole: “…it’s a pizza.”
Nicole’s response is just dripping with condescension. It’s delightful.
Xander: “This is a big fucking cheese pizza? Did I order a big cheese pizza? Who the fuck calls Big Sausage Pizza to get a cheese pizza?”
He’s making some compelling points.
Nicole says she can go get him the right pizza, but Xander says he ordered it 40 minutes ago, and doesn’t feel like waiting another 40 minutes. He tells Nicole to give him his money back so he can order Chinese, and he’s a real dick about it.
Now, it would be hilarious if she accepted this, he orders Chinese food, it’s delivered by an Asian porn star, and then Xander does the patented “dick through the box of chicken lo mein” move, but no such luck. Fuck. Now I need to write a script where porn stars fuck through increasingly unrealistic foods.
Instead, Nicole angrily grabs him by the balls (!) says “You want a big sausage pizza? I’ll give you a fucking big sausage pizza.” She shoves him back on the couch, yanks ineffectively at his belt, then grabs the pizza box and SLAMS it down WAY TOO FUCKING HARD on his groin. We hear Xander gasp in pain, and then cut to a new shot, I’m assuming 25 minutes later after Xander has recovered from taking a ball shot from the edge of a pizza box.
Anyway, when they open the box, apparently the force of the cock shot was enough to undo Xander’s belt, jeans, and underwear, and have his presumably flaccid schlong punch a neat hole through the bottom of the box and the pizza…but not the top of the pizza box, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. These pizza plots are not keeping an internally consistent storyline.
My favorite part of this shot is the message on the side of the pizza box.
Like the previous scene, at some point they switch shots and abandon the fucking-through-the-pizza. I kinda wish they’d acknowledge it, something like:
Nicole: “Do you think this might be better if we’re not having sex through a pizza?”
Xander: “Maybe, let’s give it a shot.”
Anyway, it’s pretty vanilla sex until the end when things end in a way they normally don’t – Nicole grabs a slice of pizza and Xander ejaculates on it.
Then she takes a bite from the pizza, although, I note, it’s from the opposite end, where there isn’t any cum.
Coward.