There’s a handful of websites out there that review porn, and they’re generally pretty awful. Either they ramble through some basics about how it was filmed and the video quality, or they robotically list the sex acts: “Topless. Titty sucking. BJ. Fucking. Ejaculates on her face.” When they do provide an opinion, it’s almost always fawning positivity.
This scene comes to us from “Not Another Low Budget Porn Movie”, directed by Craig Valentine, and to quote the review from AdultDVDTalk (NSFW link):
“Honestly, there is nothing redeeming about this movie and it isn’t worth trying to find.”
He’s not wrong, although I think “nothing redeeming” isn’t nearly harsh enough. Every so often I think there’s no way that porn can stoop any lower and then I find shit like this. This isn’t just scraping the bottom of the barrel, this is tunneling through the bottom. This film is basically a hate crime.
I stumbled across this one on xhamster where it has the lovely title of “retard porn” which pretty much immediately lets you know what you’re in for. It was shot in 2007 and stars Victoria Vonn and Levi Cash. I’m fairly confident in 2007 people were still openly using “retarded” to insult each other, but even so, I cannot fathom why anyone would think making a fucking porno where an actor plays a grossly stereotyped developmentally disabled person was a good idea.
We open with Victoria sitting on a couch and the offscreen director introduces himself as Craig. Eat shit, Craig.
[Fun fact: Craig made another porno where he also was the talent and fucked Victoria Vonn. Below is a picture of him from that flick. Every time Craig chimes in with an inane comment, you just have to picture this mouth-breather saying it].
Craig explains that they don’t really have the budget to pay Victoria, all they can afford is a bus ticket to get back home. Victoria is nonplussed, and says as long as she’s down here…
Craig says they tried to get the legendary Evan Stone as the male talent, but they didn’t have the money. Then he called up the slightly less legendary Rod Fontana because he “just became a minister, and can’t charge me”. Apparently Craig is unfamiliar with ministers: one way or the other, you’re getting fucked. But Craig didn’t even have the money to get him for free. Somehow I feel like Evan Stone and Rod Fontana don’t want their names associated with this film.
Finally Craig gets to the point: he’s found a new actor who will qualify as an “equal opportunity work” hire, and shouts for “Jimmy”. Craig explains that Jimmy’s mom brought him. Victoria immediately asks how old he is – good call – and Craig says he’s 23.
Levi Cash enters wearing giant goggles and doing a loud, deeply offensive caricature of a developmentally disabled person’s voice, while holding a rubber chicken at his groin and yanking at its neck. We learn this was due to a misunderstanding about him “choking his chicken”.
Craig tells Victoria that if Levi offends her, she can hit him. Awesome. The bar keeps going down.
There’s some inane dialogue – Craig asks Victoria if she’s fine with it, she says yes, he offers to let her fuck a gay blind midget instead.
Craig talks Levi through what’s happening because the plot here is that Levi’s a fucking idiot and has no idea what’s going on. Victoria strips down and Craig tells Levi that Victoria is different from the last woman they booked him with because “she doesn’t have a penis”. If you’re playing Bingo, we’ve now insulted the intellectually disabled, little people, and the trans community.
Levi strokes Victoria’s mons pubis and mutters “pussycat”. Craig hits us with this:
Lovely. Bestiality jokes.
Victoria: “Did he really have sex with a cat?”
Craig: “Yes.”
Victoria: “Is that…okay?”
Craig: “Well, we didn’t tape it.”
Levi: (stage whisper) “You told me you weren’t going to say anything about that.”
Victoria starts undressing Levi, and there’s more jokes – Craig says Levi strangled the last girl he worked with to death with his belt, and then asks Levi if he wiped his ass before he came to work. Levi says he didn’t, but his mom wiped it for him. Jesus fucking Christ.
Anyway, she blows him, Levi asks if he tastes like chicken. Which is now the second time a porn movie has mentioned sucking dick tastes like chicken, which is twice more than I expected before starting Stupid Porn Plots. And, uh, yeah. As a straight man I haven’t sucked a lot of dicks, so I don’t really know, but I feel like if dick tasted like chicken someone would have told me by now. Is this a thing? Ladies / gay men / straight men who have had a dick in their mouth, email me: stupidpornplots@gmail.com. I need to know if this is the case.
They fuck and it’s pretty unpleasant. At some point Craig asks Levi if he brought protection and hands him a black plastic sack which he puts over Victoria’s head, which she immediately takes off. It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s probably better than any other joke they were considering.
Things end in a facial, and in the only funny moment of this scene, Levi Cash completely loses his horrendously offensive ‘voice’ at the moment of orgasm and sounds normal for a moment.
Craig has them both sit down and explains to Victoria that he got Levi from a “sex education class” for special ed people, to see if they could have sex with an actual woman, because they caught Levi “sticking his dick in a tail pipe”. He also explains he can’t afford water for a shower, so she will find a damp towel on the floor next to the mop bucket. And also they don’t really have money for the bus ticket, either. But, at least she did a public service by fucking Levi. Victoria is not pleased, and we fade to black.
There was a trend for a while in gonzo porn to convince porn stars to fuck and then pretend not to pay them. Luckily, I don’t think it lasted long enough to get an official name. More luckily, gonzo porn is no longer the rage, which is good because gonzo porn is the fucking worst.
Well. Technically, I think this one is the worst.
Kissing: No