A while back an astute reader (you know who you are, utah_bottom) sent in a link to some Mormon-themed porn. I was intrigued. It comes courtesy of MormonGirlz.com (sometimes styling them as MissionGirlz, but that domain currently redirects to the gay Masonic porn that company puts out. I didn’t investigate much, but I’m sure it’s just as classy as their hetero porn).

I’m not currently nor have I ever been Mormon, but from my cursory knowledge of Mormonism (which is mostly from the Broadway show and a few Mormons I know) it seems to hit some key spots. Special underwear, religious guilt, and polygamy. Yes, polygamy may not be currently endorsed by the official Mormon church, but we all know what’s going on, and that they’ll bring it back at the drop of the hat if it ever becomes acceptable again. Besides, in porn, what is better than a bunch of hot sister-wives wanting to fuck?

I did some research – you know, for science – and unfortunately didn’t really find any stupid porn plots. (Update 7/4/22: I’ve moved by review of Sister Hardy and Elder Kensington’s scenes to their own posts, starting here)

Much to my dismay, I could not find any scenes featuring soaking or jump humping. Maybe because these things were not in the public consciousness of whoever made these series, maybe because it’s not really a thing, but either way, this is a distressing gap.

For the uninitiated, soaking is practice of a guy inserting his penis into his partner’s vagina and then just lying there like a clambake. Any thrusting or movement is strictly verboten. Supposedly, this is a popular move among horny Mormon teenagers because the movement is what makes sexual intercourse a sin.

The natural extension of soaking is jump humping. This occurs in accordance with prophecy where a friendly third party is recruited to stand on the bed next to the two people engaged in soaking and jump up and down, creating that all-important movement and gentle friction to stimulate the genitals. Since the act of sexual congress is not being initiated by either sex partner, it also is not a sin.

In reality, both of these sex acts are almost certainly an urban legend. I haven’t been able to find anyone, even anonymously, who has admitted to participating in these acts, and this is in 2022, where people openly and proudly boast about eating ass. In reality, virginity-obsessed Mormons just stick to oral or use the poophole loophole, as we’ve previously discussed.

Google Trends backs this up, while “soaking” has been around for a while, jump humping is virtually unheard of until both of them went moderately viral in October 2021.

[Are you a Mormon? Have you actually done this? Email me: stupidpornplots@gmail.com ]
Fortunately, now that both of these are seeping into the public consciousness, we have virtually guaranteed that real-life Mormons will try soaking and jump humping. Life imitates art.

Unfortunately, I have been unable to find pornography of either soaking or jump humping. This is a problem. As rule #34 states, if it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions. Rule #35 states that if it does not exist, someone must create it. (Update 11/28/22: Nailed it.)

I’m putting the word out there, porn industry. Someone needs to get on this and right quick. To help expedite this, I’ve put together the following script. The following script is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution: This means you are free to:
Share — copy and redistribute the material in any medium or format
Adapt — remix, transform, and build upon the material for any purpose, even commercially.

You may credit me as Lemony S.W. Linking to my site is encouraged but not required. [A.N. Fuck it, you can also use this script if you’re not in the porn industry. Go nuts]

JUMP HUMP

OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE SOAK

by

LEMONY S.W.

FADE IN: INT KELLY’S BEDROOM. JUSTIN and KELLY (white, early twenties, no visible tattoos or piercings) are wearing Mormon underwear and kissing gently.

JUSTIN
I just thought…since your parents are away for the week…we might…

KELLY
I know, Justin. I really want to. But, I believe that God wants us to save ourselves, for marriage. That’s what Elder Harris says, and so does my parents.

JUSTIN
I know, Kelly. It’s just so…hard.

Kelly glances down at Justin’s crotch which is against her leg. She raises an eyebrow.

JUSTIN
No pun intended.

KELLY
I did hear about something from Bethany. It’s the new thing, apparently, all the couples from Temple are doing it. It’s called ‘soaking’.

JUSTIN
Soaking? What’s that?

KELLY
Well, basically…you take your…your…

JUSTIN
My penis.

KELLY
Right. And you put that in my vagina.

JUSTIN
Wait, I thought you said we couldn’t do that.

KELLY
Well, once you put it in, you can’t move. You just lie there. It’s supposed to feel really nice.

JUSTIN
But why no movement?

KELLY
It’s like in the movie Jurassic Park. Where the T-Rex can’t see them if they don’t move because its vision is based on movement. If you don’t move, God is okay with it.

JUSTIN
Okay, let’s give it a shot.

KELLY
Wait, should we pray first?

JUSTIN
Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.

They get off the bed and kneel down, with bowed heads and clasped hands.

JUSTIN
Heavenly father, thank you for bringing Kelly and I together. We humbly ask you to keep our bodies away from sinful movements during this experience. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

KELLY
Amen.

They TAKE OFF their Mormon underwear. Kelly lies on her back on the bed. Very carefully and slowly, Justin inserts his penis into Kelly’s vagina. He then pauses, holding himself up by his arms.

KELLY
And then just lay yourself down on me.

Justin lowers himself so he is laying fully atop Kelly, who wraps her arms around his back.

KELLY
(happily)
See? Isn’t this nice.

Justin grits his teeth, barely able to contain himself. The camera HOLDS on the two of them lying there, with no movement and no dialogue, for THIRTY SECONDS. After this Justin adjusts himself slightly.

KELLY
(smacks his ass)
Hey! No movement.

JUSTIN
Sorry! My leg is falling asleep.

The camera holds on the two of them not moving for another FIFTEEN seconds, then fade to black.

TITLE CARD: TWO DAYS LATER

FADE IN: INT DINING ROOM TABLE
Justin and Kelly sit at a table, fully dressed.

JUSTIN
So I was thinking about the other day, when we –

KELLY
Mmm-hmm.

JUSTIN
And it was nice, but…honestly, it gave me a major case of blue balls. Like, I was all worked up…and then we just laid there.

KELLY
I thought it was nice!

JUSTIN
Kelly, we laid there for like 45 minutes.

KELLY
Well, it did get a little boring.

JUSTIN
So, I did a little more research into soaking. Have you ever heard of “jump humping”?

KELLY
What’s that?

JUSTIN
It’s like soaking, but you have a friend come over and jump on the bed to bounce you around, so you get some in and out. But because you and I aren’t causing it, God doesn’t care!

KELLY
Wow, that’s smart.

JUSTIN
Do you want to try it?

KELLY
I do. I guess we just need a friend.

JUSTIN
Well, you were probably wondering why I asked Candace to come over.

The camera pulls back slightly to reveal for the first time that CANDACE has been sitting next to Justin this entire time.

KELLY
I did wonder why she was here. You sure you don’t mind, I hate to be a bother.

CANDACE
Not a problem, happy to help! All I ask is you pass the favor on.

CUT TO: INT KELLY’S BEDROOM

KELLY and JUSTIN undress each other while kissing passionately. Candace is texting on her CELL PHONE, disinterested.

Kelly climbs onto her bed and lies on her back, and Justin slowly inserts his penis, then stops.

KELLY
Candace, you’re up!

CANDACE
Right.

Candace climbs on the bed, standing on the side behind them, and begins jumping up and down, bouncing the two of them around.

KELLY
Oh, Joseph Smith!

JUSTIN
Oh god!

This continues for a few seconds, but they’re not bouncing around as much as they want.

KELLY
Hang on. Maybe you need to get closer, Candace, come over here and stand so your legs are right next to me.

Candace moves over so she is standing with her legs on either side of Kelly’s head, basically hovering over her.

CANDACE
Like this?

KELLY
Yeah, that should work. Just be careful not to step on me.

Candance starts jumping. [Note: it’s probably best if this actress does not actually “jump” fully off the bed for safety reasons, just move her weight up and down to get the bed moving.]

Keep this up for maybe five minutes, Justin and Kelly are moaning and very clearly getting into it.

KELLY
Oh I think I’m about to come!

JUSTIN
Me too!

KELLY
Don’t come inside me I’m not on birth control!

JUSTIN
Okay, baby!

KELLY
OH OH…OH JOSEPH SMITH!

Kelly, in the throes of orgasm, GRABS Candace by both ankles. Candace loses her balance and FALLS on top of Kelly. She lands in a perfect 69 position with her face just above Kelly’s vagina, immediately before Justin pulls out. Justin EJACULATES all over Candace’s extremely shocked face.

CANDACE
OH MY GOD!

There a moment where they all stop, Kelly kind’ve slides out from under Candace who is now on all fours and they all look at each other. Beat.

JUSTIN
Sorry about that.

CANDACE
It comes with the territory. It’s called friendly fire.

Candace dabs at the cum on her face and tastes it.

CANDACE
Oh man, you’ve been eating a lot of pineapple recently, haven’t you?

JUSTIN
(bashfully)
Well, yeah.

They get off the bed and stand next to it.

CANDACE
Well, I better get cleaned up. My brother put up this stupid black light in the hallway and I don’t need my face lighting up like a Christmas tree.

KELLY
Thanks so much, Candace, you’re a true friend.

JUSTIN
Couldn’t have done it without you.

Candace holds up both hands and Justin and Kelly both high-five her at the same time. We FREEZE-FRAME at the high five moment, hold for a few seconds, then fade to black.