Big Sausage Pizza also did a couple gonzo-style shoots where Reno is a pizza boy in training and the camera guy is…filming a training video? Setting aside the inherent ridiculousness of needing a fucking training video for pizza delivery – actually, you know what, I’ve never delivered pizzas. Maybe Pizza Hut and Papa Johns have training videos. Who knows? Anyway, it’s mostly an opportunity for the camera guy to exchange inane dialogue with Reno, whose mastery of the English language is deeply suspect and adds another layer of terrible to watching porn stars improvise.
I probably wouldn’t have even mentioned this one except for two moments: the first being this line of dialogue on the drive to Jasmine Tame’s house as the camera guy and Reno talk about being cunning linguists.
I wish I could travel back in time to stop myself from watching this so I wouldn’t remember those words. Also. Seriously. What the fuck is with people comparing genitalia to chicken? Am I taking crazy pills here?
Anyway, nothing else really happens except midway through the scene – with the very small pizza hanging off Reno’s wang, Jasmine just completely loses it and starts laughing hysterically and apologizes to the director.
It’s pretty great, and I appreciate them leaving it in.
In the next scene, we have the legendary Evan Stone at a job interview with Adam Wood reading off his legitimately impressive resume.
Adam: “Twelve years as an adult performer. Performer Of The Year three times. Best Actor nomination seven times…won it twice. Star of ‘Pirates’, the most expensive adult film ever made. Ran a gentleman’s Dude Ranch in Texas…so, what makes you think you’re qualified to deliver pizzas?”
Evan mumbles a bit about having played several pizza boys in movies, and wanting cash because of the recession, but Adam says that’s not enough. His customers demand an Experience, not just a pizza. To prove his point, he slams a giant pink suction-cup dildo on the table and then slams a pizza on top of it.
At any rate, Adam decides to give Evan a shot, and tosses him a t-shirt. We cut to Evan delivering the pizza, which he struggles with – he drops the pizza on the ground and catches it in the car door. Finally he takes it to the door and then inside to Gigi Rivera’s house. She takes the pizza, opens it, and immediately starts screaming and berating him because it’s a cheese pizza and she ordered…you know, sausage.
She’s also a giant bitch about it and starts screaming about how Evan White probably never graduated high school. And yeah, she’s just an actress delivering lines, but I kinda hope she chokes to death on the pizza, now. Or Evan’s dick. I’ll take either.
Evan fake cries for a bit while Gigi screams at him.
Evan begins talking himself up about how Gigi is a bitch and he’ll deliver her pizza. He turns around and walks in dramatic slow-motion – and the film is not slowed down, so Evan is just taking slow-motion steps – while ranting in a terrible stereotypical Italian accent about her a-wanting the a-sausage a-pizza. He slams the pizza against his groin, then opens it to reveal:
And they fuck.
Evan’s a pro, though, so he keeps the pizza in play as barrier between them – kinda like how at Christian dances you’re supposed to leave a Bible between you, for Jesus – until the pizza and box start disintegrating between them:
It’s pretty generic sex from there on until the end. Evan unloads the yogurt slinger on her face and she passionately says “Who are you?” Evan bends over, gets a faraway look in his eyes, and says:
Evan: “I’m the pizza delivery boy.”
Goddamn.