In general, porn is pretty quick to jump onto trends, particularly given how quick it is to shoot. For example, it took exactly 45 days from Sarah Palin being unveiled to America for Who’s Nailin’ Palin to be in the can back in 2008. California issued the first stay-at-home order March 19th, 2020, and on March 22, 2020, the efficiently-titled “Inspecting My Stepsister’s Pussy For the Coronavirus” was released.
Despite the speed in which porn jumped on the train, there have been surprisingly few COVID plots that I’ve seen over the past few years, and even fewer that are any good. This is despite public health officials teeing up hilarious images by encouraging people to use glory holes and the like to avoid mouth-to-mouth contact. We already have porn where actors mime fucking through a glass shower door, COVID precautions would be perfect for that.
Then again, maybe porn studios found that a global pandemic that’s killed an estimated 5.7 million people as of the time of this writing isn’t a terribly popular fetish for enthusiastic masturbators, but I don’t really believe that’s true.
Point being, most of it sucks. In the aforementioned “Inspecting My Stepsister’s Pussy For the Coronavirus” – which again, really have to admire that title – Spencer Bradley and Alex Jett are locked in a room together by their parents and arguing about COVID. Alex is arguing that everyone is blowing it out of proportion, which was probably went over with audiences a lot better on March 22, 2020 than it does today. Or not.
Anyway, this is not really about the ‘rona. Basically, they’ve been locked in and Spencer doesn’t have her phone. This is one of the all-too-common “step-brother blackmails his step-sister into fucking”. See, Alex is horny, and he’ll let Spencer make a phone call if she blows him. Spencer is momentarily disgusted because he’s her brother. “Step-brother!” Alex clarifies. There’s only two worthwhile moments in this flick, and the first is when Spencer drops this gem:
The second good moment happens while Spencer tries to tear a hole in her mask, which she clearly has not rehearsed and you get to watch her realize in real time the mask is sturdier than she thought and she struggles with it for a solid 45 seconds.
Alex: “What are you doing?”
Spencer: “I’m keeping the mask on!”
Alex: “Why?”
Spencer: “I gotta keep the mask on, so that, like, what if I do have it, I don’t want to spread it. What if sucking your dick spreads the Coronavirus?
Alex: “I don’t know if that’s how it works.”
There’s more – it’s a 61 minute video – but again, it’s not really about COVID, and only tangentially about quarantining. If I want to watch COVID-19 porn, I want to watch COVID-19 porn, not incest blackmail porn. Stop cross-contaminating porn genres! But if you want to read a fawning and very, very detailed review of it, you can do so here. NSFW.
A somewhat low-effort attempt was made by Red Pill Girl, which is not the worst name for a porn star that I’ve ever heard, but that’s only because I know Lil Anne Frank exists. First, a sexy nurse enters and hands over the diagnosis written on a piece of paper with Sharpie.
Then, they have unenthusiastic sex without a single line of dialogue being spoken at any time, and finishes with a creampie. Which feels like you’re just not putting an effort in. She’s wearing the mask. Why not finish ON THE MASK?
A slightly better attempt released August 24, 2020 called Lockdown Games. It starts with Marcus London – in a cheerful British accent – giving Alona Bloom and Sera Ryder a generally accurate lesson in mask-wearing and glove-wearing along with a reminder not to touch your face (remember that?) while Will Tile looks on.
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Later, the daughters decide to break quarantine and sneak out to a party. Their fathers catch them later trying to sneak back inside and immediately strip them both naked and stuff their clothes into a trash bag, then hustle the girls upstairs to hose them down while continuing to berate them. Eventually, they’re sent to their room.
Alona and Sera are bored with quarantining, so they start 69ing and needless to say are quickly caught by the fathers, who disapprove of the lesbianism, but they have a solution: they’ll fuck each other’s daughters. They take a moment to make clear they will not be fucking their own daughters, so the white girl will be fucking the black dad and the Asian girl will be fucking the white dad. With the incest neatly avoided, generic sex ensues that does not involve masks or anything else.
In another, Van Wylde calls Anne Amari to come over to hang out, but she points out they should be social distancing because of the fucking pandemic. Van explains that his step-mom, who will probably become important soon, said it’s fine as long as they wear masks. Cut to Van opening the door AND NONE OF THEM ARE WEARING GODDAMN MASKS.
The step-mom – London River, which is a great porn name – pulls Anne inside, gives her a big hug, and then very aggressively squeezes her butt. She then tells them to mask up and have some “safe fun”. C’mon. You’re making a COVID-themed porno. How hard is it to just have them wearing masks from the start?
Van and Anne (hey that rhymes) are trying to make out in bed but after a few seconds they get fed up with it:
Anne: “Fuck this, I’m not doing this, this is stupid.”
Van: “But my step-mom said to wear a mask.”
Anne: “Fuck your step-mom.”
Interesting word choice, I wonder if this will shortly become relevant?
Anne starts aggressively polishing his knob and we cut to London listening in outside the bedroom door. She bursts in, angry that they aren’t wearing masks. Anne says it makes it hard to “do stuff”. London tells her to not be ridiculous, puts a mask on her, and tears a small hole just big enough for a cock to fit through. London tears a hole in her own mask, and
This is porn, so of course she doesn’t. The best part of this is that the mask London puts on Van has a hole in it EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT USING HIS MOUTH IN THIS PART OF THE SCENE. (It’s not a total waste, since later he’ll eat his step-mom out through the hole, but still…)
It gets dumber: London takes her mask off, puts it over Van’s cock, and then he starts banging Anne…through the mask.
It’s one of the most bizarre images I’ve ever seen in a porno, and I’ve watched a man fuck a woman through a cheese pizza.
They fuck, London has abandoned any pretense of masking because her mask is on Van’s dick, at some point London says double masking is safer and takes Anne’s mask off and puts that one on Van’s dick, this goes on for awhile and things end the way they traditionally do in porn (not on a mask). London grabs a bottle of hand sanitizer, says “safety first” and gives Anne and Van a squirt on the hands. Van, to his credit, gives her the most exasperated look I’ve ever seen a porn star come up with, and not just porn stars with two masks covered in spit, cum, and vaginal juices hanging off his cock:
Overall, pretty disappointing.
In our next update, we’ll dive into some COVID porn that doesn’t suck. Or does it?