I find the written and unwritten rules of pornography – and the tropes that dominate it – utterly fascinating. No shit, you may be thinking, otherwise why would you have ever started this site? Point taken. But while we can all laugh and have fun with tropes like a pizza delivery guy putting his penis in the pizza or stepsisters getting stuck in increasingly ridiculous scenarios, when you start going a little deeper…things get weird.

There are few things that will get you flamed harder in the comment section of porn videos (already a weird place) than if you upload a video and tag it incorrectly. If you list something as “lesbian” and there’s a dick in it, people will lose their fucking minds, even if the theme of the video is a lesbian dipping her toe into the dick swimming pool. If you incorrectly upload gay porn into the straight category, people will crucify you. And if you upload a scene in a straight category where a man swallows another man’s cum, people will…not care at all, as long as it’s labeled cuckold.

Cuckold porn exists in a nebulous in-between world where the rules don’t apply, where men can have sex with men but it’s not considered gay and frequently not even bisexual.

Let’s get into this.

The central conceit of cuck/cuckold porn is based on the humiliation of the husband, aka the beta male. A typical scene involves a woman having sex with a desirable ‘alpha male’ – not necessarily good-looking, since the majority of male talent are hideous fucking CHUDs, but better-looking than the beta. The alpha is muscular, possesses a large penis, and is frequently (but not always) black. The beta male is typically short, unattractive, possesses a small penis, has erectile dysfunction, and is unable to sexual satisfy his wife, and will be verbally and physically humiliated for all his shortcomings. The beta male may be very into watching the alpha fuck his wife or pretend to be horrified, it just depends on what the director wants.

It should be acknowledged that there are many videos out there that are labeled or tagged as cuckold porn, but this alone does not count. It’s the equivalent of a generic sex scene being labeled “I banged my step-sister” because they hope the title will get some extra clicks. Unless the actors specifically acknowledge what’s happening within the scene, it’s not real. Or fake real. You know what I’m saying.

Here are the general tiers. If you find outliers, don’t @ me. There are always exceptions that prove the rule.

It’s important to note that at NO POINT will the alpha male fuck the beta male in the ass, that’s bisexual porn, which is something else entirely. Cuck porn is straight porn with some mild man-on-man action sometimes.* And if you think the alpha would suck the beta male’s cock, you’re just not understanding this at all. The alpha male is like DJ Khaled: they’re an asshole.

*You will occasionally see Tier 1 cuck porn repackaged and sold as bi porn, but that’s the industry for you.

At this point you might be asking yourself, “Lemony, how the fuck do you know all this?” Gentle reader, allow me to remind you that my expertise on certain subjects have no reflection on me personally. I’m not into cuckoldry in real life or even cuckoldry in porn.

I just like learning about weird shit in porn.

It’s gotta be frustrating if you’re into certain types of cuck porn, though, since nobody actually uses the above tiers, so if you want to avoid any man-on-man action, you’re kinda shit out of luck.

Our scene today comes from the appropriately titled Cum Eating Cuckolds which at least lets you know what you’re in for right away. We’re in a hotel room, and Jason Brown, Rose Red Tyrell, and Marcelo come in, in the middle of a conversation.

Marcelo: “I can’t tell you how great it is to finally meet someone who loves Star Trek, we’re at a Star Trek convention, and meet someone who actually knows more about Star Trek than we do.”

Got it. Exposition is doing its job quickly. It’s a little disappointing and unrealistic that none of them have so much as a Star Trek t-shirt on, but ok. The fact that the name of this scene is “Deep Space Nine Inches” more than makes up for it.

They all sit down on the bed and we learn that they all love Voyager. Rose explains that it’s mostly because she has a giant crush on Seven of Nine. Marcelo says she has a “lesbo crush” on her. James says that most people are erotically interested in Seven of Nine. No disagreements here. Marcelo chimes in that in 2004, she was the reason that Barack Obama became present. WHAT THE FUCK! I need to high-five whoever came up with the script for this porno. This is, easily, one of the most interesting bits of trivia I have clanging around in my skull.

1. Star Trek: Voyager wasn’t doing well. To improve the ratings, producers brought in Jeri Ryan to play Seven of Nine in a catsuit.
2. Jeri Ryan was regularly away from her husband Jack Ryan, which may or may not have contributed to their divorce in 1999.
3. In 2004, Jack Ryan was the Republican nominate for a Senate seat in Illinois. His divorce proceedings came to light, including a sex scandal that forced him to drop out. The Republicans had to scramble to find some schmuck to run against Democratic nominee Barack Obama.
4. Obama won in a landslide, launching him into the pubic consciousness and contributed to him eventually winning the Democratic primary in 2008 and the presidency.
   Was Voyager really a significant factor? I mean, probably not, but you should never let facts get in the way of a good story.

Rose is having none of this crazy theory, though, and buts in:

You can literally see James’ eyes raise in horror and disgust.

James: “Ok, whoa, wait, how did that become part of the conversation?”
Rose: “Uh, because he got the female vote, duh.”
Marcelo: “Black guys do not have bigger cocks than white guys. We all have the same goddamn cocks.”
Rose: “Yes they do. I’m pretty sure we can prove that right now.”

Marcelo points out that it’s a pretty small sample size, and honestly, I’m liking this Marcelo guy. Knows his politics, his Star Trek, and understands statistics.

Rose, however, demands to see their dicks, and tells them to “whip them out”. Marcelo immediately complies, James agrees without much of a fuss, and what do you know, James is like four times as large as Marcelo. Rose rubs the fact in Marcelo’s face and then puts James’ penis in her face. And then they bone.

It’s pretty standard stuff. She makes Marcelo suck her toes while James is eating her out. We learn that while Marcelo is up for most things, he doesn’t have a great gag reflex. Rose is a huge dick to Marcelo, which would be annoying if it wasn’t the entire point of the scene and if I didn’t know he gets off on exactly that.

That’s about it. Things end the way they normally do and she makes him eat the cum, because this is called Cum Eating Cuckolds for a reason.