As a porn connoisseur, I was obviously excited when the deviously named Xhamster.com announced they were producing a reality competition where 16 hopefuls would compete to be America’s Next Top Porn Star. I’m not much of a reality television fan, but a amateur reality porn competition? Sign me the fuck up. In the right hands, this could be TV gold.
It was not in the right hands, and the resulting 10-episode series was a clusterfuck. Poorly conceived, poorly executed, poorly filmed, and poorly edited, it was clearly apparent was they were using The Sex Factor as a way to make a bunch of – well, porn – rather than an interesting TV show or even an interesting behind-the-scenes look into how porn is made. Also they were looking to capitalize on the free buzz marketing a reality porn show would generate.
I’m not entirely sure why. You can do both of those things: you could have an episode that’s the show, with the behind the scenes shenanigans and competitions and what have you, but as part of that, you also edit the sex scenes you’re filming and release them as “the final product”. Any producer worth of salt would have done precisely that and incorporated some sort of audience participation – hey, we’ve made six fifteen-minute porn films, now go on Xhamster and watch them and give a thumbs up to your favorite and we’ll incorporate your votes into judging this reality competition – but no. They completely shit the bed in almost every way.
Speaking of which, Xhamster? I guarantee I can produce a better second season than what was made here.
Anyway. The Premise: eight men and eight women, all porn amateurs, will compete in a reality show for a $1 million prize (split between the winning man and winning woman). You may already being asking yourself, “why the fuck have men compete? Why not just have 16 women? Who the fuck cares about male porn stars?” These are great questions and will go unanswered.
Episode 1 – Battle of the Sexes
We open on Asa Akira who explains the premise and general rules of the show. We get a title card, which I appreciate, and then the text “Cumming Up”, which I don’t, because it’ll be used approximately 500 times over the next 10 episodes and serves no real purpose. We then get a bunch of quick clips and one-liners intercut with porn.
There’s some standard shots of a very nice-looking mansion and everyone climbing out of a bus, and some quick opening confessionals of everyone saying how excited they are to be there.
Blair Williams: “I really want to branch out and just do something different, I want to experience the world, I’ve only not been a virgin for a year.”
Blair Williams was (at time of filming) a church preschool teacher. Suck on that, Christians.
We also meet our Professional Porn Star Judges, introduced in a sexy pose:
Asa Akira is pulling double duty as both judge and host.
Keiran Lee: “I’m here to be a dick in more ways that one.”
Keiran has a British accent, and he’s very clearly here to be the Simon Cowell of the group, because every reality TV show needs a British asshole to liven things up.
Next, it’s time for the judges to address the contestants. We get a series of shots of the contestants, including this one:
We’ll get to Minx Mayhem (left) in a later behind-the-scenes episode. Apparently she was an early contestant who got knocked up and withdrew before the competition maybe sorta officially started (but after contestants had arrived at the mansion and started doing scenes). Needless to say, at no point does the actual show address this in any way, she’s just someone you see a few times, shoots a scene with Hero and The Colonel, and disappears without a trace. Solid job, Sex Factor! I have no idea who the guy is, but I assume he had a similar fate, minus being knocked up.
The judges explain that this competition is all about the 3 “P”s. And no, penises and pussies are NOT included.
Remi: “The first P is for Presence, how you act, how you dress, and how you look.”
Lexi: “The second P is for Performance. Having sex at home is a whole different story than having sex in front of a crew and camera.”
Tori: “The third P of porn is Potential. Do you have what it takes to make it in this business?”
Well. This is very dramatic. I wonder how frequently the Three P’s will be referenced throughout the rest of this series. Will this be a guiding light on how the competition will be judged, or will the Three P’s be tossed aside as merely a throwaway line that nobody gave a fuck about or even considered important? Let’s find out!
Now, we finally meet the contestants:
The Men:
The Women:
We get a brief introduction to each person, and just worth noting the audio quality during this scene is hot garbage, I’m guessing because they didn’t have a boom guy for this sequence. We learn that David Caspian has only been with 3 women, Buddy Hollywood has been with 100+ women, and Allie Eve Knox has only had sex with 4 people.
The next sequence is them all getting STD tested, which they were required to do every 14 days, which is standard for porn stars. Fun fact: they all had to pay for this out of pocket at approximately $200 a pop and filming went on for MONTHs.
Sydney: “I like the needles, and stuff. I like seeing the blood come out.”
Jesus.
We also get a quick shot of Khaya peeing into a cup, because why not introduce a little incidental watersports:
We then cut forward to the afterparty that involves everyone (I assume the cast and crew) drinking, dancing, and The Colonel, Hero Protagonist, Minx Mayhem (one of the aforementioned people who was cast, shot a couple scenes, then left the show because she got pregnant, and is never officially acknowledged as a contestant because of…incompetence? Who’s to say) all hooking up in a hot tub and Minx puts a finger up The Colonel’s ass:
Along with the official 10 “episodes” released there were ~85 “behind the scenes” clips release on Xhamster. Some are a minute or less, some are as long as an episode, and pretty much all of them are as interesting or more interesting than the actual episodes. All the episodes are about 23 minutes long, why the fuck didn’t you just include the material and have, say, 35-minute episodes?
It’s hard to comprehend the general incompetence of these people, and then I remembered that they make porn. Understanding compelling storytelling is not their forte.
Blair and Buddy hook up on the couch in front of everyone (including the cameras) later that night as well, and the judges put on their best shocked faces, as if it’s surprising that porn stars will fuck each other off-camera. (If you’re not aware, this happens all the fucking time. Turns out, porn stars frequently don’t have hang-ups about casual sex. Who knew?)
Anyway, finally we get down to business.
We’re having a three-part competition, and part one is “First Base” – a make-out session. Tori explains they want to see how well everyone can kiss.
Asa: “Kissing is so fucking important in porn.”
This would be somewhat compelling if, you know, there was actually kissing in porn. I don’t have any statistics on this (maybe I should start tracking) but a HUGE swath – I’d estimate more than 50% – of straight porn has no kissing. Sucking dick? Swallowing cum? Eating ass? Sure. Kissing? Nope, that’s too intimate.
As if on cue, the judges immediately select Buddy and Blair as the first couple, and we get an interstitial where Blair explains that she already gave Buddy head, fucked him, and received a facial, but they hadn’t actually kissed. They make out for a bit and the judges are yelling encouragement. Afterwards, Lexi (the judge) jumps up, grabs Blair, and starts aggressively making out with her. Put a pin in that. The judges decide Blair wins.
Sonny and Dani make out next, and Sonny wins, which I agree with.
Next up, David and Sydney make out. Sydney immediately takes control and aggressively kisses and bites David Caspian a couple times. The judges are impressed and assess that Caspian is in that sort of thing. Then Judge Remi pushes in and starts making out with Sydney.
After, Remi explains that it was a test – she wanted to see if Sydney was adaptable, implying that Remi is not into the biting. Put a pin in this one as well, folks.
The judges vote that Sydney won, giving Round One of Battle of the Sexes to the Chicks.
And so, with a suddency that would give you whiplash, we we cut to Caspian…jerking it.
Kaelin: “A lot of the girls have had a problem with Caspian. He’s made a lot of people feel uncomfortable.”
Sonny: “You know, I’m a weird guy, I’m a freak, I love it, you know, but there’s just something off about him.”
Caspian: “If I get the chance to show my cock and just touch it and masturbate and do what the fuck I want with it and the freedom to, I’m gonna fucking do it!”
Yikes.
Allie: “David Caspian is HUGE creeper, he’s like a public masturbator…which is weird.”
Buddy: “Fucking weird. He literally walks around jerking off in front of all the girls.”
Caspian: “Where the fuck else do you get the chance to just sit around with a group of people and just do what the fuck you want?
Prison, maybe?
Kaelin: “I asked him very politely to stop jacking off awkwardly in the corner and he not only didn’t stop he continued to call a sex line from the bathub and jack off some more. During a party.”
Caspian: “There was a redhead that I lived with then, she was the first one to approach me at this suite and she was all ‘Oh what are you doing?’ and I felt like she was really trying to affect my psychology and my mood and I’m not going to give any leeway to that. I’m just going to look at her and say ‘I’m fucking enjoying myself, what are you doing?’”
It takes a certain frame of mind to have someone approach you and ask you to stop jerking off in front of them and to perceive that request as a personal attack, and that frame of mind apparently belongs to David Caspian. Later, during his Reddit AMA, The Colonel would describe David Caspian as “Future member on the FBI watch list.”
Challenge #2 is “Fip-Synching” where they make the contestants watch a porno and fake an orgasm alongside it. Credit where credit is due: being able to effectively fake an orgasm is a real skill, and technically, both are needed. The women need to fake an orgasm every so often, and the men need to fake an orgasm during the horrible cutaway shot directors use of a guy’s face to cut around the fact that it took sixteen minutes of jerking off to pop.
Hero and Khaya face off in the first round and in a shocker, Khaya is much better at faking it.
Hero: “It seems that maybe the girls have an unfair advantage.”
This clip is so tightly edited it’s almost certainly being taken out of context, but I still love it in that, yeah, of course the girls have more practice faking it.
Next up, Veronica and Barry face off, and they immediately start talking shit to each other:
Barry: “About as fake as your boob job.”
Veronica: “About as limp as your dick.”
That being said, Barry is pretty solid, and ends up winning. Finally, The Colonel and Adrian. We get a quick cutaway of Asa saying that The Colonel’s fake orgasm “was crazy”. In fairness, it was. I’d describe it as 50% watching a man scream at a McDonald’s worker for putting the wrong toy in his child’s Happy Meal, and 50% the dying gargles of a slaughtered water buffalo, but that’s male orgasms for you.
Lexi says “watch her eyes” because saliva is flying everywhere. I appreciate that, although getting bodily fluids in your eyes is a bit of an occupational hazard for porn stars.
However, The Colonel’s incompetence is immediately surpassed by Adrian’s complete refusal to even attempt a fake orgasm. We learn that Adrian has never actually had an orgasm, which is definitely sad. Then we learn (via the 1 x 1 confessional) that she has orgasmed but only when she’s jerking off. Fair enough. You are attempting to become a professional porn star.
Tori: “If you can’t do a fake orgasm fully clothed with people, how the hell are you going to perform a scene?”
Yeah. It’s almost like they did a poor job of casting this season.
The judges agree and tell Adrian to get the fuck off the stage, which gives the second challenge to The Men.
The third challenge is called “The Blow-Off” which will decide the elimination of a contestant, so needless to say it’s not remotely fair. The idea is a female contestant has 3 minutes to suck a male contestant’s dick to the point of orgasm. If she succeeds, she wins, if the dude doesn’t, he wins. And there’s a point scale:
I have to say, the one thing that I truly appreciate about a point competition is when the only thing that matters is the third round. Rounds 1 and 2? Completely and utterly pointless in every possible way. Hats off to the dumb-fucks who put this together.
We begin with Donnie and Allie. She starts slobbing knob in lingerie, Tori runs in and takes her bra off (without permission).
Despite Allie’s admirable, some would say heroic efforts, Donnie (despite entering with an erection) is having major stage fright and ends the three minutes almost entirely flaccid.
Next up is Khaya Peake and The Colonel.
Judge Tori: “You know of course I am thinking this is going to be amazing because The Colonel is known to come for us and he’s known to keep a hard dick.”
Khaya immediately starts scratching The Colonel’s belly.
The judges (in a solid moment) comment on how Khaya obviously knows what The Colonel likes. Now, in any other reality show, this would be a thing: the judges or the contestants would explain how they figured out this was The Colonel’s fetish and we’d have something about how knowing what pushes your partner’ sex buttons (either in porn or real life) is critical. Instead, this entire thing is glossed over quickly because we need to get back to this stupid fucking competition.
Despite Khaya’s efforts, and an unsolicited, probably-breaking-the-rules assist from Dani Darko to suck The Colonel’s balls, he holds the line. Admittedly, I think most dudes, even if they weren’t actively suffering from stage fright, can hold out for three minutes.
Finally, we have Blair Williams and David Caspian. She blows him with the shared intensity of an enthusiastic wannabe porn star and repressed church preschool teacher and he pops his load all over her face. Blair leaps up, dripping with baby batter, and has a sticky group hug with the female contestants while David Caspian pretends to be disappointed in the background. And just like that, despite the men winning 2/3 rounds, the overall round and Episode 1 is won by the Chicks.
Caspian: “Coming out of that room, with that cock rock-hard, finally, and everyone’s finally seeing my fucking cock, was amazing. That’s all I kinda wanted, I just wanted everyone to see my fucking cock.”
Somehow I feel Caspian has an intense exhibitionist fetish.
We get a couple more quick shots of Sydney, Dani, and Kaelin talking about how creepy Caspian is and how they want him gone. Caspian says that if they want him gone, they’ll need to “handcuff my penis” and “drag him out the door”. Ok buddy.
Everyone goes down to the foyer. Asa has a very tiny bowl with the votes from the girls. They very, very slowly reveal the votes and the production isn’t smart enough to just have Asa reveal them all one at a time. Instead they pass the bowl between judges. Anyway. The final results:
Sonny – 1 vote
Donnie – 3 votes
Caspian – 4 votes (eliminated)
There’s a very long pause while the judges attempt to pull their collective jaws off the floor because apparently a) none of them were prepared for this, and b) none of them were professional enough to wing it.
Lexi: “I am shocked.”
Asa: “You’d be probably the last person I would expect to be going home today.”
Tori: “However, there were some things I heard about making people feel uncomfortable, some things that you’ve said, maybe, that might have left the girls feeling uncomfortable, a little uneasy with you, and I believe that’s where this vote came from.”
Okay. So the judges – well, at least one judge – were aware that he was being a creep.
Tori: “But again – ”
Remi: “Performance-wise – ”
Keiran: “Because that’s what it’s about, he killed it – ”
Lexi: “So much potential – ”
Tori: “Right, and to me, sometimes, you know, in an industry like this, it’s equal parts performance and how you conduct yourself in front of the people you’re going to be working with. So perhaps, take some time, reflect on what it was that made your costars uncomfortable.”
So, spot-on analysis from Tori, kudos to her, but also for the rest of the judges – HE FUCKING LOST THE COMPETITION! I mean, yeah, half these dudes can’t even maintain an erection on camera, and he was, but the entire POINT was that he was supposed to make it three minutes without cumming. I would even argue that it is the SPECIFIC JOB of the male talent to NOT POP before the director tells you to! It’s not enough that Caspian’s a creep, but he also single-handedly lost the competition for the Guys and failed at the specific task you handed him which is actually something you need to do to be an effective porn star.
What the fuck.
Asa asks David if he has any thoughts, and we get a boom shot:
These happen constantly throughout the show, and while I get that this is designed to have a very reality / behind the scenes show, c’mon, get the fucking boom mike out of the shot. I won’t harp on this, but about 50% of the footage will have these fuckups. Just imagine there’s constantly a boom mike coming into shot or a camera operator tripping on something at all times.
Caspian says he learned a lot and had a lot of fun, starts crying and walks out the door. Keiran immediately gets up and walks after him and corrals him outside, says he’ll have Caspian come out to LA to shoot a scene for him, tells him to “Man up, stop crying, keep your dick hard.”
Awesome message we’re sending here. Solid work, Sex Factor.
Anyway. That’s about it for episode one. Stick around, and we’ll find out if the contestants surprise elimination of someone the producers were hoping would stick around will lead the producers to changing the format of the show and just having the judges eliminate people based on arbitrary criteria that is not backed up with observable facts!