I know a few people in academia, so I asked one of them if they’ve ever had a student offer to sleep with them for a better grade. They said, and I quote, “Dude, this is my wedding, stop asking shit like that.” So draw your own conclusions.

I have to imagine it happens a lot, but probably not as much as it happens in porn. That would actually be a very interesting field of study: which professions have the most illicit sex? I’ve heard doctors and nurses scale Fuck Mountain on the regular.

We open up with Dahlia Sky (repeat offender) erotically sucking her finger, and then we get a title card with her name – she’s credited as Bailey Blue a lot – and we get some stats.

Interesting. I’m gonna just say it: more porn should have stat title cards like this. Imagine if porn stars had baseball cards where you could see their vital statistics and personal records. Imagine what those statistics would be?

• Most dicks taken in a single setting
• Most semen ingested in a single setting (a field dominated by the Japanese)
• Most semen ingested (lifetime)
• Total dicks (lifetime)

Pornhub analytics needs to step up their game.

Back on topic. We get a bunch of random B-roll of Dahlia Sky getting very fresh with an apple in a classroom. Then we cut to Evan Stone (repeat offender as well) on the phone with someone who we can intuit is Dahlia’s mother.

Evan, clearly exasperated, is telling Mrs. Sky that a) he shouldn’t really be talking to her, and b) it’s Dahlia’s fault that she’s failing because she won’t complete assignments and tests, which I think is more information that he should really be revealing to parents who feel the need to call their progeny’s college professors to argue about grades. Which does, in fact, happen, so I get Evan’s annoyance.

Finally Evan ends the call, and like mother like daughter, seconds later Dahlia walks in and starts rambling about how she really, really needs this grade.

Dahlia: “My grandmother was a Delta Phi, my mother was a Delta Phi…I need this grade.”

Evan tells her that she should have spent more time studying, then.

Dahlia: “Even if that means I have to fuck you. My grandmother was in school, she got straight As, and she didn’t have to study once. So why don’t you just get that dick out and let me earn that A.”

We get a quick series of shots of them fucking and then cut back to Evan, implying he was imagining them banging. Nice touch. Evan quickly says he can’t do that, teachers don’t get to fuck their students, he would obviously be fired, and he’s not willing to risk his tenure. Dahlia, nonplussed, says her mother gave her a note, which she hands over.

That is – hands down – one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in porn. We’re supposed to believe that we have multiple generations in this family seducing professors to get good grades, and they have it down to such a science that Dahlia rolls in prepared with a note from her mother, just in case Evan had objections?

Evan says that, given that Dahlia has permission from her mom – an alumni – it must be okay.

Then they fuck on his desk. Pretty vigorously. Both his monitor and keyboard (which don’t appear to be plugged in) are bouncing around quite a bit.

As you may or may not be aware, I’m very intrigued by set dressing in the background of pornos. Mostly IKEA artwork, but especially in random scenes, because that, on some level, was a choice. Someone thought it was a good idea to put that there, or someone saw it and thought, ‘yeah, let’s leave that in’.

Now, I don’t know what type of college class this is, but they have a poster on the wall about spiders. With the title “What is a Spider?”

I am fascinated by this.

Because…no college-level course would ever have something so rudimentary as a “What Is a Spider?” post on their wall, right? Where did this poster come from? What grade level is it intended for? Why did they think that was a good idea to hang on the wall? [I did spend quite a while on Google Images trying unsuccessfully to source this fucking poster. Do you know where it’s from? Email me.]

Anyway. Things end the way they normally do, and glistening with sweat and semen, Dahlia says “And that’s how my grandmother got straight As” which does sort’ve tie a bow on the scene, but also, nothing against people into GILFs, but stop bringing up grandparents in porn. Just…stop. Like, if I was actually whacking it to this, and if I’ve timed my orgasm with the pop shot, I’m just coming down into the disgust and self-loathing of post-nut clarity, and now Dahlia’s put the word “grandmother” into my mind.

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 4:48
• Cunnilingus: 2:53

Interestingly, Evan went down on Dahlia three separate times before she ever blew him, and she still outdid him in terms of length.