This one is called “Silence Has A Price” from the fine folks over at Brazzers. We open up on Brooke Banner and Staci Thorn chilling out in a park and talking about the weather – it’s hot out – and Staci seamlessly transitions into talking about how wet and horny she is. You know, just casual conversation between a couple gal pals!

Masterful dialogue.

Anyway, they decide to play some frisbee, and credit where it’s due, they manage two complete toss and catches before we cut the shot, also revealing that they’re playing on…a children’s playground???

At least there aren’t any kids present, so we don’t have to have somebody ask what they’re doing and they can explain they’re shooting the intro to a porno next to the playground.

They play frisbee poorly. They’ve set up so they’re playing catch across the sidewalk, to engineer this scene where Justin Magnum can come jogging along so Staci can nail him in the side of the head with the frisbee. Two things:

1. They very much hit Justin in the side of the head with a frisbee. No stunt person or anything.
2. The sound effect they put in is shockingly loud. I was wearing headphones and I flinched. It sounds like someone spiked a frisbee directly onto concrete at full speed with the microphone two inches away. It sounds like someone buried a firefighter’s axe six inches into a human skull. It sounds like an aluminum bat hitting a mahogany desk. It’s fucking LOUD. If a frisbee actually hit a human head and produced that sound it would cause immediate death.

Justin lowers himself gracefully onto the grass and sprawls out unconscious. Staci and Brooke are horrified and wonder what they should do.

Brooke: “Ok girl, calm down, let’s just call an ambulance and tell them it was an accident or something.”

Staci does not react well to this very reasonable suggestion and says no way, they’ll both go to jail. Uh…sure.

They decide they need to get him out of there before someone sees him, and take him to the car. They each grab an arm and start dragging, and between the both of their emaciated asses, manage to drag Justin about six or seven inches across the grass before the director realizes their error and cuts the shot.

Justin’s now stuffed in the back seat of their car. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m guessing any competent prosecutor could make the case to add kidnapping to the list of charges. Blah blah, we arrive at their house and they toss Justin on the couch and sit down to brainstorm.

Brooke thinks they should call the cops and say they found him passed out on the sidewalk. No, that is one of the options you should have used back when you are at the park.

We see Justin’s eyelid flick open, but he fakes still being unconscious.

Staci: “Let’s dump his body in the river. Or dig a hole in the back yard!”
Brooke: “No way, that’s murder! I’m not doing that!”
Staci: “So, who cares? He’s probably dead anyway.”

This brilliant exchange is interrupted by Justin sitting upright and demanding to know what’s going on. Brooke explains it was just an accident and they were afraid he was going to press charges.

Justin: “Press charges? That’s only the beginning lady. Your asses are going to jail.”

Justin has a delightful Australian accent, so just read his lines in a fucked-in-half-drunk, mildly concussed Steve Irwin voice and you’ll get the full picture.

Brooke begs him not to, and says they’ll “do anything”. Justin is intrigued by the possibilities, so Staci jumps in with this gem:

Okay. This film was made in 2007. Staci was born in 1983. She was 24 when this was made, and honestly, I’m shocked that she was only 24, I thought for sure the line would be “I have two kids, I can’t afford to go to prison!” I don’t mean to be a dick here: there are plenty of porn stars in their early twenties who, with some judicious makeup, could conceivably pass for 19. Staci Thorn is not one of those porn stars. It’s not a bad thing, MILFs are very popular, this line is fucking ludicrous.

Anyway. They fuck. It’s pretty bad. Lots of aggressive over-the-top moaning, too much dialogue, one of the woman moaning despite the fact that she’s just hanging out watching the other one getting railed, you name it. They do manage to rescue it at the very end, though, because immediately after shooting a very unimpressive load of high fructose porn syrup over their breasts, Justin says he’s decided he will still be pressing charges. Brooke yells “I don’t think so” and –

They smash him in the back of the head with a statue. Justin collapses to the ground.

Staci: “Good job, Brooke, you got that asshole.”
Brooke: “Now let’s go dump the body once and for all.”

Honestly, that kinda rescued it. I think this is the first porno I’ve watched that ends with the dude getting murdered by his costars, so props for originality, #girlpower.

Likely crimes:

Staci and Brooke:

• Battery
• Conspiracy to commit kidnapping
• Kidnapping
• Conspiracy to commit murder
• First-degree Murder
• Felony murder (due to the kidnapping)
• (I doubt a prostitution charge would stick since no money was offered in exchange for sex)

Justin:

• 2 counts of Rape, assuming he survived the second bout of head trauma and being tossed into the river. (coercing someone to fuck you under duress via threats of police action. He could, of course, offer Brooke’s statement of “being willing to do anything” as a defense. He could also argue he was suffering from a concussion after being battered and kidnapped, so he’ll probably skate on these charges, or plead to a lesser offense and get probation. He might also have the book thrown at him because he’s an immigrant. But he’s probably just dead, so really this is an exercise in speculation)