Episode Two – Hustler Hodgepodge
We open on Asa Akira explaining that for this episode they’re partnering with Hustler. As with each episode, we open with a series of quickly cut sneak peaks of what the episode is going to be about, presumably to entice the audience to watch the rest of the episode.
As a boom mike hovers in full view, judge Tori Black explains that the ladies will all be doing a photo shoot with the legendary Holly Randall, and the winner will get a photoshoot in Hustler magazine. Okay, finally: a competition that actually makes sense within the world of porn.
Holly explains that originally she wanted to shoot outside at the pool, but there were two problems.
- none of the women brought swimsuits. Brilliant job, producers
- the sun went away and the lighting was garbage
So they move indoors and decide to shoot in a hallway, and Holly gives us her assessments of each of the contestants.
Sydney – very ‘exotic’ look (read: not white), but will be limited by her tattoos. This tracks: lot of dudes don’t want to jerk off to a woman with tats. You see people in the comments sections of porn websites bitching about it constantly.
Kaelin – very beautiful, but uncomfortable in front of the camera, has a constantly pained expression.
This also tracks. Kaelin looks like she is severely constipated at all times.
We flash back to Caspian getting booted off last week’s episode, then cut to Caspian looking morose outside of the front doors in a shot that is totally 100% NOT staged. Asa and Keiran come out and greet him.
Keiran says “fuck those guys” – presumably the women who voted him out, and that Caspian is coming with them, and if he’s lucky, Asa may even give him a handjob. You know how in reality competitions where a contestant is eliminated and then you say, fuck it, let’s just let him hang around for another episode? Yeah. That’s happening here.
All the dudes go to the Hustler strip club and Keiran introduces them to a male stripper named Ecstasy. Keiran explains that if you want to be a porn star, you have to learn to move like a porn star. Sure. There are a few subtle differences between fucking someone and either pole dancing or lap-dancing, but okay. I think it would be way more interesting if they did a consulting type episode with some professional porn stars about, say, their diet, and workout routines, because there’s certainly a kernel of truth in what Keiran’s saying. If you need to stay hard and fuck for two hours in a session, there’s probably things that help. Cardio. Hydration. Not skipping leg day. Maybe there’s some weird tricks. I don’t think you use quite the same techniques on a stripper pole as doing a fuck scene.
At any rate, the Men are going to learn how to pole dance.
We go back to the Women and Holly is raving about how amazing and flexible Blair is.
Next up is Dani Darko, who Holly thinks is great, except she has bruises all over her legs from running into things, which is a problem.
Holly: “Also, her other problem is, she’s out of shape. She really needs to hit the gym, she needs to work out – ”
Fair enough. Holly Randall shoots models for porn companies, I’ll take her word for it.
We move on with Veronica Vain, who’s very confident and talented, but the biggest problem per Holly is her fucked-up boob job.
Holly: “Right now, it’s just kind of a weird shape and she can only do certain positions where it looks okay and that really limits you when you’re trying to do a full scale glamour shoot.”
Goddamn, Holly pulls no punches.
We go back to the guys and they’re taking turns pole dancing. A few – Sonny, Hero, Donnie, Johnny – are pretty solid at it, the others are…how to say, not. The judges then have them all go up on stage and do a group pole dancing scene.
Asa: “This is like the beginning of the most awkward gangbang ever.”
Yep.
Johnny Black gives Asa a partially clothed lapdance, then strips, returns, and starts thrusting his dick in her face.
Fortunately, Asa is totally into it, which is good, because that’s coming dangerously close to violating boundaries.
Back to the Women. Holly assesses Allie is a natural beauty, no tattoos. The only downside is a pink streak in her hair.
Adrian has great boobs, but given that she has tons of piercings, ear gauges, and tattoos, there’s no chance she’ll work in the glamour field. Wow. Solid. Great job, Sex Factor, at setting up a competition where one, maybe 2 contestants have zero chance at winning for factors completely outside their current control. Holly does point out Adrian would probably be successful in the ‘alt’ modeling, which makes sense. Also, Adrian’s petrified in front of the camera. Sounds like she’s perfect for porn.
Back to the guys. And…Caspian’s holding his dick.
Sigh.
Anyway, apparently Hustler has donated the “make a mold with your penis and then we’ll create a dildo based on your dick” thing to the show. Keiran explains that all need to strip naked, get in the tub, and the first person to achieve an erection will get to make a mold and have their penis-cast-dildo on sale in the Hustler store. That is…deeply funny.
We’re then treated to a scene with all the guys getting naked, smacking ass, helicopter dick, you know, just some time with the guys!
Keiran hustles them all into the bathtub, and in a stroke of luck, Veronica and Blair have been selected to stand in the middle and make out for, you know, eye candy. And holy shit. I forgot how deeply awkward and compelling a good old-fashioned circle-jerk can be.
But again, credit where it’s due: this is a quantifiable skill for a male porn star. In a room, surrounded by ugly dudes, you need to get a hard-on.
Eventually Hero wins and makes a mold of his dick.
The Colonel: “The circle-jerk is a bit odd. I’ve never been a part of one, it’s kinda lame. Why would you want to stroke it with a bunch of dudes. I’m not in a frat.”
Oh, ooky cookie.
We go back to the girls and they’re doing a review with Holly, Tori, and Lexi on everyone’s pictures. To her credit, Holly is basically saying everything she said about the contestants in her interview directly to their faces. We also get a quick aside – Jesus this show is terribly edited – where they basically say that Adrian doesn’t have The Sex Factor – and then go back to talking about Veronica. And then we get a bunch of clips of people talking shit on Veronica:
Sydney: “I just feel like she is very bitchy and she’s all about herself.”
Kaelin: “People’s negative attitude toward her is directly related to the way she’s treated people and the way she’s spoken about herself.”
Allie: “If I had to do a scene with Veronica I would definitely cancel it and not do it. Um…gross?”
Veronica: “If I was one of the girls here, and I don’t mean to sound arrogant about it, but I would be a little intimidated by me.”
So they all head down to the Hustler Club and check out all the lingerie and sex stuff and porn that. Blair invites Lexi into her dressing room and says “Help me undress.”
Keiran decides that he wants to whip some of the male contestants with a leather belt so he orders Sonny to drop his pants, revealing Sonny’s leopard-print underwear and smacks the fucking shit out of him.
They then proceed to whip The Colonel and Donnie. I wonder if it was in their contracts that the judges might get to engage in whipping the contestants whenever they felt like it? Because if the contestants were like “Hey, smack me with that” they sure the fuck didn’t include that footage. And Keiran a) pulled down Sonny’s underwear without permission, and b) hit him FUCKING HARD.
I’m stressing these points because they will become quite relevant later. Everyone’s fucking around, boundaries are NOT being respected, and the judges are just being shitty.
[I fully acknowledge that it’s a 27-minute episode and they might just not be showing that stuff, so I’m not making any direct accusations. But, again, this is going to be more than a little relevant later]
Finally they gather the contestants together and Asa explains the women’s photo challenge. And we hear from the judges.
Remi explains that she really liked Sydney, but overall Allie did the best. Also, she is very clearly stoned. We’ve already seen her taking hits of a vape pen multiple times on camera, and The Colonel described her on his Reddit AMA as “perma baked”. I’m not judging, I have no issues with weed or even wake and bakers, but it does make her performance as a judge somewhat…lethargic. Picture an extremely sleepy cat that’s also a famous porn star. That’s Remi.
Lexi says that she really liked Blair, Sydney as well, but “all the girls did well”. Have to say, these judges are not well-prepared.
Tori finally gets to the point: In a 2-1 vote, Allie won over Blair. Everyone gives her a nice round of applause. Then Asa says that one loser will be eliminated – and spoiler, they basically said earlier it would be Adrian. But before she can get into it, who should launch to her feet but…Veronica Vain!
She does a little prepared speech about how she quit her job on Wall Street to do The Sex Factor BUT…now she’s just received a very nice offer, and she’s absolutely quitting the show to do that, instead.
Everyone’s like, huh, ok.
Asa: “I guess we’re…not?…sending anyone home.”
We hop over to an interview with Allie.
Allie: “So, with Veronica, I think she was just here to get some press, talk about herself…”
Yep. I am inclined to agree.
Asa: “So, contestants, you’re all staying! Let’s party!”
It’s funny because David Caspian is still with them, and he will be…not.
Everybody heads in, grabs drinks, and watches Veronica Vain work the pole. And credit where it’s due: she might be super annoying, but she is a fucking expert at pole dancing.
All in all, after a shitty opening episode, I found this one to be pretty solid. We had a professional porn photographer come in, take photos, give decent critiques of everyone, the men got to participate in a thoroughly humiliating stripper pole dance-off and more thoroughly humiliating circlejerk, and a contestant who clearly had no intention of continuing long-term bailed as soon as she had a cash offer.
For the two contestants who are gone:
David Caspian was in 8 pornos. 4 of them were non-sex, i.e. the friend who’s hot mom is banged by the other guy. And I’m sorry, but it is objectively hilarious that the exhibition dude who won’t stop showing his dick and jerking off in front of people had a brief stint in porn but FIFTY PERCENT of his scenes were just as an extra who doesn’t get naked or fuck.
Veronica Vain was in 85 pornos, and now seems to be doing the OnlyFans / Twitch / Camming. She’s on Twitter as Paige Jennings and has 93.6K followers, so she seems to be doing okay. Hats off to her.