I was probably eleven years old when I first encountered a glory hole. It was between the bathroom stall walls at the Glendale Central Library and I recall being very confused about how such a neat hole could be punched through by accident.
Being self-conscious, I stuffed some toilet paper in the hole, released a watery shit, and went about my day.
It wasn’t until I was older, wiser, at the age of 13, that I learned that the hole was, in fact, a glory hole, and has been used for anonymous sexual activity since it was invented in 1707. You simply insert your erect penis through the hole and wait for the person on the other side to
- scream and run away
- give you a handy
- insert your penis into the orifice of their choosing
- something else
I personally have never used a glory hole, primarily due to option D. Knowing my luck, the person on the other side would be some kind of psychopath armed with a nailgun and nail my dick through a bathroom wall back into myself, and that’s an awkward 911 call.
[Side note: do not Google image search for penises nailed to walls, you will find accurate results and you will likely not like what you find. Psychopaths, proceed as you will.]
It is, of course, a well-established fact that the person on the other side of the glory hole is always a man. Much like Rule #34, there are no exceptions. Pornography, as we all know, frequently depicts women engaging with anonymous schlongs with admirable enthusiasm:
However – if I may pull back the curtain – pornography is not real. It frequently just makes shit up. Sure, sometimes it gets things right. Your Christian girlfriend will ask you to put it in her ass to preserve her virginity. If a lesbian decides to try out a dick, you won’t be able to fuck her straight. Clowns cannot be trusted. But in real life, neither of your step-parents want to fuck you, your step-sister just needs help getting out of the dryer, and if you pull your dick out at the therapist’s office you will go to jail.
In real life, it’s never an innocent 18-year-old or a busty MILF on the other side of the glory hole. It’s a dude. Always.
Which brings us to Schrödinger. As we all know, in the famously misinterpreted understanding of his thought experiment, a cat locked inside a box with a variety of factors, under the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, could be simultaneously alive and dead. Of course, in reality, the cat must be either dead or alive, but until you open the box, you don’t know.
The obvious extension of Schrödinger’s Cat is Schrödinger’s Glory Hole. If you don’t know who is on the other side of the wall, arguably, they are simultaneously man and woman. You would only be able to tell by looking (which would, of course, prove that it’s a man) and so by not looking, you can pretend in your head that this experience – the single greatest blowjob of your entire life – really, you didn’t know that humans were capable of sucking dick this well – was totally, like, not gay.
Closeted conservatives will go to great lengths to maintain cognitive dissonance.
But Lemony, you may be saying, “There’s got to be the exception that proves the rule! Hell, my wife and I set up a glory hole at my house to spice up our sex life, and my penis knows what the inside of my wife’s mouth feels like!”
Hoo boy.
Which brings us to today’s topic of porn featuring straight men being tricked into gay sex, which, you know. That’s bad. Rape by deception, legally speaking. Apparently this is a fairly popular fetish in the…well, who is to say? I’ve heard that much like men wanting to fuck heterosexuality into a lesbian, gay men fantasize about converting a straight guy. I know that women like it when two dudes fuck. And it has to be popular in red states.
One very common way to do this is by using the glory hole.
We open on Rick McCoy in the adult superstore. The camera comes up to say hello. Rick says he’s had a rough weekend, he broke up with his girlfriend of the past three years. However, Jim the camera operator knows of this girl who will help “release the tension”. A super hot girl, who gives “the best fucking head in the world”. A girl who doesn’t even like to get fucked, just likes polishing knob.
Jim explains to Rick the concept of the glory hole and says that this hottie is in a booth in the back of the adult arcade. They head back and we switch to split screen with Rick on one side and Alexis Fawx and Reed Royce on the other.
Alexis puts her face up to the glory hole to say hello and even shoves her bare breast through the hole to really sell the illusion.
Alexis: “Shove that dick on through.”
Rick obliges, and immediately, Alexis backs up and taps Reed into the scene, who obligingly gets to third base with Rick’s mostly flaccid python.
Alexis hangs in the background making occasional comments and moans to sell the illusion. And, after 3 minutes and 37 seconds of intense effort by Reed, Rick finally manages to achieve an erection.
Rick: “You sound so hot sucking my dick, girl.”
Anyway. Reed blows him. Rick loses his erection a couple more times. If I had sponsors, this would be the perfect transition for me to hock dick pills, but I’m not, so I won’t. Eventually there’s a limp-dick, very-fake-looking orgasm.
Here’s the moral of the story. It’s always a dude. Accept it, come to terms with it, and move on with your life.