After banging the pizza guy, I’d wager the most ubiquitous porn setup in the public consciousness is nailing the plumber. It involves expensive, emergency scenarios that can easily turn into blackmail on the part of the plumber or “isn’t there any OTHER way I can pay for that?” on behalf of the housewife, a scenario where people need to bend at the waist to look at things, obvious wordplay opportunities around fixing or cleaning pipes, and the sweaty, hairy ass-cracks of male porn stars. It’s perfect.
One shining example of this is the delightfully named Rectal Rooter series from the early 2000s. RectalRooter.com is long defunct, but if you pop into the Wayback Machine you can get an idea of what they’re all about:
I don’t believe this scene was ever released on DVD as I was unable to locate it in either the Rectal Rooter or Butt Plumbers series, which all seem to have merged into Rectal Rooter at some point, which makes sense since they were both created by Zaye Entertainment. It stars Hamilton Steele, which is a great porn name, and “Mary”, who is otherwise unidentified and may have been a one and done.
We open on Hamilton walking up to an apartment complex talking to the camera guy because this is a reality gonzo style shoot. We learn that apparently there’s a problem with a toilet.
Camera Guy: “We haven’t had any luck, we’ve been thrown out of three fucking places.”
For background, they play around with this in different videos, sometimes they are actual plumbers who fuck on the job, sometimes they’re just pretending to be plumbers and they’re there to fuck, it varies. Hamilton knocks on the door, and Mary answers.
Hamilton: “Hey, Rectal Rooter.”
Mary: “Uh…Rectal Rooter?”
Hamilton: “Yeah.”
Mary: “I called, uh, Ronnie’s Rooter…?”
Hamilton: “We’re all the same company, one big happy family.
Camera Guy: “Yeah, when they get too busy, they send the contract on to us.”
Mary: “Okay.”
Camera Guy: “So, we’re new with them, so we just have to film this services for quality control.”
Hamilton: “Yeah, we’re putting together an apprenticeship video for the new apprentice.”
Jesus Christ. Pick a fucking story! Are you the same company or a subcontractor? Is for quality control or an apprenticeship video?
Mary invites them in. Hamilton asks if she’s going to show her the toilet or if he should “sniff it out”. Camera guy laughs. I present to you my favorite comment on this video:
Yeah.
They head in, Mary takes the top off the toilet tank and shows them it won’t flush. Hamilton asks if she has any hot water, and says he’ll have to run some tests. Camera Guy chimes in that it looks really bad. Mary heads off to the kitchen to run some hot water while they check it out, and immediately Camera Guy and Hamilton start laughing because obviously the chain in the tank is just disconnected and can be fixed with zero effort.
Stay classy, porn.
Mary immediately comes back and asks “Did you just call me a stupid bitch?” Camera Guy reassures her that he was actually just talking about their boss and apologizes for cursing in her house. Hamilton calls Mary back in and there’s some inane dialogue about the quality of the pipes under the sink while Mary bends over and Camera Guy focuses on her ass and makes hand gestures like fake grabbing her ass.
It’s very tasteful. At some point Mary notices, Camera Guy pretends he was just trying to film, but concedes that she does have a nice ass, and Mary thanks him.
Hamilton: “He notices ass because his brother’s gay.”
Camera Guy: “Hey, fuck you dude.”
Ah, casual homophobia that doesn’t make any sense.
Camera Guy: “Hey, you live here alone? You don’t have a boyfriend or husband or anything?”
RUN MARY RUN THAT’S A BAD QUESTION.
Mary: “No.”
Goddamnit.
They go into the kitchen and inspect that and Hamilton lies about the shape of pipes but all I can really focus on is that the tag on the back of Mary’s thong is sticking STRAIGHT UP and it’s infuriating me:
Hamilton and Camera Guy retreat to the bathroom to figure out the estimate:
Hamilton: “We got a bit of a live one over here.”
Camera Guy: “She wants to fuck.”
Hamilton: “I think we can get her to fuck.”
Camera Guy: “I don’t even think she’s going to resist.”
Oh boy. That’s not a great line.
They decide the job will be around $1,900. Mary is horrified, and asks if there’s any discounts available. They improv badly on this for a minute, and get down to brass tacks:
Hamilton: “Your shitter is fucked up.”
Mary: “In the pipes.”
Hamilton: “So, you know, you let me lay a little bit of pipe on you, and…”
There’s more bad improv. Hamilton says he hasn’t been fucked all week, blah blah.
Hamilton: “You think I wanted to be a plumber growing up? I did this so I could get in ladies’ pants.”
Mary admits that she did fuck the cable guy to get some free channels, so…why not? They argue about whether or not she wants to do anal – Mary doesn’t – and then argue about whether he’ll film it. Camera Guy says they’ll give her the tape afterward, so Mary starts blowing Hamilton.
Camera Guy: “This one was almost too easy bro, usually they struggle a little bit.”
Mary is horrified for the wrong reasons, and objects because she thinks they’re calling her a slut. And:
Really classing up the place.
She blows him, and eventually Camera Guy as well. Hamilton and Camera Guy keep up a steady stream of stupid comments because who doesn’t love jerking off to two men who won’t shut the fuck up? They all root around for a while. Mary accidentally bites Camera Guy’s dick a couple times while getting railed from behind by Hamilton, which is funny, because he’s an asshole. There’s also this nice moment:
Just a couple of fellas bro-ing out with your dicks in the same lady!
Eventually it’s time for the butt stuff. And…things get worse.
Camera Guy: “You going to go for it?”
Hamilton: “Oh yeah.”
Mary: “You going to go for what?”
Hamilton sticks his cock inside Mary’s ass.
Mary: “No no no no – what?”
Mary gasps in pain.
Mary: “Oh my god, you’re in my ass.”
Hamilton and Camera Guy riff for a moment about how the bill just dropped to zero, and then, as Hamilton immediately goes from just the tip to balls deep inside her ass:
Mary: “That feels good.”
I know we like to keep things fun, but Jesus Christ. This is two of what I believe are the most harmful ideas about sex perpetuated by porn:
- If she says no, just keep going…she’ll immediately be into it.
- Surprise anal requires no lube, no prep, straight to balls deep …she’ll immediately be into it.
It’s fucked up.
I get that porn is not reflective of reality, but unfortunately, sex education is abysmal, and…yeah. It’s why I harp on about consent being important. It costs you nothing to put it in your porno, and it does help curb a lot of really stupid and harmful ideas. And I’ve read enough anecdotes from woman and men who had terrible first experiences with butt stuff because of shit like this.
Do better, porn.
So. Hamilton rails her in the ass. There’s a lot of stupid dialogue. They admit that they aren’t actual plumbers and can’t really fix anything except the toilet but Mary is kinda okay with it. Hamilton continues to rail her in the ass. They have Mary look into the camera and say “Rooter my pooter” which they all think is hilarious for reasons that escape me, and because of this, they repeat the exact line like four more times. They make inane jokes about the turkey position and Thanksgiving and they. Just. Will. Not. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Finally it ends, they show Mary how to fix the chain on the toilet, tell her they’ll mail her the tape, and they get the fuck out of there.
So to recap: they lied about a 10-second toilet fix and made up imaginary problems for a fake cost to blackmail Mary into having sex with them, called her a stupid bitch, implied she’s a slut, told her to shut the fuck up, surprise raped her in the ass, and (within the story of this world) lied about filming her and then uploaded revenge porn on the internet.
That’s a lot.
In fairness: this type of porn is not nearly as commonplace today, so…I guess we’ve advanced as a society over the past two decades? A little?
Well. This one was less fun than I hoped.
Kissing: No