This one comes to us from Little White Holes and Big Black Poles, just so you have an idea of what we’re in for. We open on a serious of prison alarms and sirens going off, and immediately see Brian Pumper in an orange prison jumpsuit sprinting through the California underbrush. They lay in some dogs barking and guns firing sound effects to really sell it.

We then cut to Maya Hills on the phone with her husband:

Maya: “I need time away. I thought we were going to be together forever and then you cheated on me. You broke our bond! Let me talk to Jeremy.”

Jeremy is her kid, and she assures him that she’ll see him soon and everything will be fine. Maya hangs up, sighs deeply, and stares out the window.

I wonder if we’ll find out!

She goes to the door and pulls the curtain aside and we get a pop-scare because Brian is standing right there.

He barges inside without so much as a by-your-leave, grabs her phone, and dials his friend Leroy. Maya tells him to leave.

Brian (on the phone): “I don’t know where the fuck I am, I broke the fuck outta prison. You know they can’t hold Brian Pumper down man, I had to get outta that fucking shithole. I’m somewhere in, uh, Tehachapi. Where the fuck am I?”
Maya: “You’re in Grizzly Camp, 20 miles north of Tehachapi.”

Credit where it’s due, there is a state supermax prison near Tehachapi, California.

Brian tells Leroy where he is, then:

Brian: “Five hours! What the hell am I going to do for five hours? Just get driving, get your ass over here.”
Maya: “You’re sure as hell not planning to stay here for five hours.

In response, Brian starts stripping off his jumpsuit – he’s going commando underneath – and asks if she has any man clothes he can borrow. Maya freaks out and covers her eyes, but then notices – as romantic piano music kicks in – Brian’s enormous dong. She immediately bites her lower lip, and we get what I can only describe as a trunk shot, but for porn:

That is fucking hilarious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this shot (similar to the worst angle in porn) used to advance the plot forward. It’s absolutely brilliant. Maya licks her lips in anticipation, and then we flash back to approximately two minutes ago, just in case you’ve forgotten what the plot is, about how her husband has broken their sacred bond. It’s even in artistic black-and-white, so you can tell we’re in a flashback:

We snap back to the future and Maya opens her eyes with an explosion sound effect. She strides confidently across the room, grabs Brian’s schlong.

Maya: “We have five hours.”

And then they fuck.

The sex is pretty standard, except for one moment that I think may very well be the greatest position I’ve ever seen in the history of pornography:

He lasts up there for a while.

The only other things worth mentioning is Maya is giving him a handy mid-blowjob and Brian says: “Stroke my shark tail” which is a new euphemism for me, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. They both shit-talk Maya’s loser husband for a bit (sadly, no taunting) and things end the way they normally do.

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 4:46
• Cunnilingus: 0:00