Episode Four – Fuck Me In The Video Village
After our sneak peaks, we get a couple of shots of an interesting video setup.
Asa: “Good morning everyone. You may be wondering why you’re watching us through a monitor, when we’re in a room right next to you.”
Remy: “We’ve noticed we make you feel a little uncomfortable when we’re there.”
Keiran: “And gentlemen, we have failed to see an erection while being in the room.”
Except for The Colonel and Hero, but sure. Okay. Whatever.
Tori: “So, in order to make you feel a little bit more comfortable and ease the pressure, we’ve decided to leave.”
Lexi: “But, we’re going to keep a close eye on you through the monitors.”
Asa: “Now, it’s time for you to show us what you got.”
Um. Fair enough. Maybe having the judges step out and just having a camera operator and a sound guy in the room will relieve some of the stage fright issues, maybe not. I feel like having all the judges watching on a monitor isn’t really going to help, but what the fuck do I know?
We start with Khaya and Donnie, with some fun confessionals:
Khaya: “Today I’m doing a scene with Donnie, I think it’s kinda interesting because I don’t really find him attractive at all and think he’s really stupid, but, um, hopefully it goes well and he gets hard and it’s a good scene.”
Donnie: “I worked with Khaya one time already in my initial audition, things went well, I got hard, I came, so I’m hoping for the same outcome today. I need to go upstairs today and I need to perform, no question. I’ve been on the chopping block twice, and that’s not a good place to be.”
This, right here? This is the potential that the Sex Factor had. Contestants dryly pointing out that their scene partner is ugly and dumb as a rock and going it and fucking their brains out.
We cut in to Khaya and Donnie getting it on, and what do you know, he has an erection!
We get some judge commentary from the judges about how clearly Donnie has watched a lot of porn because he’s cheating out for the camera and doing his angles correctly and all that good stuff.
The judges, of course, won’t really shut up and we get side-by-side commentary. Lexi is holding a banana, for some reason. At some point half the judges become obsessed over the fact that Khaya put a finger in her ass and discuss this for way too long. Keiran can’t see it, but then she takes it out and Keiran jokes “Oh yeah, it’s brown.” Tori smacks him.
Lexi: “No, it’s not brown. Slander.”
Calm down, Lexi. It’s a fucking joke.
They fuck in a variety of positions and Donnie unleashes the baby batter all over Khaya’s face. All the judges erupt in cheers and Keiran shouts “Put it back in!” Donnie goes right back and they proceed immediately into round two. Khaya squirts a couple times and eventually Donnie runs out of steam, but everyone – even Khaya – is very impressed.
We take a little side detour over to Allie Eve Knox, who is doing her Hustler shoot with Holly Randall that she won earlier in the season. And…it goes well. It’s not interesting.
Next, Johnny Black is going to do a scene with Allie.
Johnny mentions that he shot previously with Allie and it went well, so he thinks the judges paired them back up. We get a judge shot where Lexi is trying to adjust her necklace and Keiran reaches over and Lexi slaps his hand away and gives him a death glare.
Lexi: “I got it! Don’t fucking touch me.”
Keiran: “I wouldn’t touch your [unintelligible].”
Weird moment to include in your show, that’s all I’ll say about that.
The judges all laugh because Johnny got some of Allie’s powder on his nose, and it’s very noticeable:
Johnny and Allie kiss, he goes down on her for…perhaps too long. And he can’t get erect. Keiran finally goes in, calls cut, pulls Johnny aside, tells him to take five, focus up, get his edge, and come back in and fuck…and he can’t do it. They interview both Allie and Johnny, and it’s more of the same, he gets up in his headspace and can’t get his fuck on. The judges keep talking about how much they like Johnny and ask him if they kept him around for one more day…would he be able to deliver a good scene? At this part it’s starting to get annoying with how much they’re carrying water for Johnny. He hasn’t been able to perform a single time, and while I’m sure he’s a wonderful human being with many admirable qualities, as a male porn star, getting and staying hard are really the main two things you need.
We move over to Adrian and Hero hanging out on the couch.
Adrian: “I have a scene with Buddy later, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to talk shit about me afterwards.”
Hero: “So I heard – actually, when I was out back with him and the correction team earlier, he said some things that were not entirely…he said, and I quote, ‘She’s the worst fuck I’ve ever had in my entire life’.”
Adrian: “It’s a competition, and I’m going to do my part in making him look bad.”
We cut over to a Buddy confessional, where he confirms exactly that. He and Adrian hooked up off-camera outside of the show, it was super awkward, Adrian was completely quiet.
We move into the scene and Buddy and Adrian standing awkwardly as the judges watch in horror.
Adrian: “I know I’m really bad in bed, so…there’s that.”
Buddy: “There’s that.”
Adrian: “Now you’re going to be uncomfortable, aren’t you?”
Buddy gives a little awkward chuckle.
Adrian: “Why would you talk shit about me before working with me?”
Buddy: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Adrian: “Yeah you do.”
Buddy sputters a bit and asks who told her that.
Remy: “She just fucking ruined it.”
Lexi: “Is he going to cry?”
Buddy does, in fact, look to be on the point of tears, but he takes off his glasses and somewhat gamefully goes in for a kiss to try and start the scene. Post kiss, Adrian whispers into his ear:
Adrian: “Just know now, I’ll make sure this is the worst fuck you’ve ever had.”
Buddy: “….dude, that’s fucked up. Are you fucking serious?”
Adrian: “Yeah.”
Buddy: “You’re killing my competition right now.”
Keiran: “If a guy told you that before a scene…”
Tori: “I would fuck the living shit out of him!”
Adrian whispers to the thoroughly discombobulated Buddy to try getting an erection now.
Finally Lexi gets up and jogs into the room to confirm that yes, in fact, the judges have heard everything that’s been said.
She advises them both that whatever happened outside of the room, they’re both performers, they’re in a competition, blah blah. Lexi makes them apologize, and then Tori comes in guns blazing, and tells Adrian that if someone is talking shit, you need to fuck the shit out of them and cram the words down his throat, and to Buddy, if she wasn’t good in bed, you should be showing her a good fucking time and doing some goddamn seducing, and if they aren’t willing to work together, they’re both at risk of being eliminated. And with that, we fade to black with a little “To Be Continued”…
Hands down, this is probably the best episode we’ve seen so far. Donnie had a delightful redemption arc, Johnny continues to be an abject failure as a porn star, and everything between Adrian and Buddy is spiteful and vindictive on both sides and I absolutely love it. Porn stars airing their petty grievances and revealing how much they hate each other DURING a scene where they have to fuck? That’s what this competition should be all about.