We open on a crib, and we get a title card, which I appreciate:

Cut to the entryway of a house, where Sabrina Jade is talking to some dude, apparently the father in this situation.

Dad: “Ok Sabrina, you have full access to the house. Help yourself to the refrigerator, anything you like. We got CDs, you can use the stereo, television, we got cable, um…Junior is upstairs sleeping. He usually sleeps like a rock, so if you hear him crying you can probably go check on him, plus we got one of those little monitor things – ”

I do appreciate that he says she can ‘probably’ go check on him. You know Dads, they’re remarkably slap-dash about their child’s safety.

Dad gives Sabrina his pager and cell number, because this was made in the year of our Lord 2000, and fucks off. Sabrina immediately goes to check out the cupboards and fetch a snack, and almost instantly, the door opens and a little person with a massive goatee and dressed up in weird old-timey baby clothes comes in the door:

I am…intrigued. Apparently this dude – played by Tiny Tim – has been lurking outside until the moment was right to trespass into the house?

Tiny Tim sneaks up the stairs and into the nursery which is obviously not a nursery, just a home office they stuck a crib inside. He climbs inside the crib and address the baby:

Tiny Tim: “Hi there little buddy. Why don’t we take you and put you in the [tour?]sp? Room while I have myself a little fun.”

Tiny Tim grabs the doll wrapped in blankets and – impressively – leaps out of the crib, sticks the landing, and scuttles out of frame. Sabrina hears the thud from downstairs. Tiny Tim returns and jumps back into the crib as Sabrina heads upstairs. We are then treated to a fully grown little person with a three-inch beard screaming “WAAAAA! WAAAAA!” far too many times.

Sabrina comes in and gives him his bottle and because this plot is relying on idiot logic, apparently doesn’t notice that this “baby” is a fully grown little person slathered in makeup with an enormous beard. Tiny Tim slaps at her dress trying to knock a titty free.

Sabrina: “What are you doing? There’s no milk in there, cutie.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Tiny Tim leaps upright and starts sucking her nipples. Taking it in stride, Sabrina starts drinking from the milk bottle and saying shit like “Thirsty thirsty baby.” Wait. She just established she’s not lactating, so Tiny Tim gets zero nourishment and now you’re drinking his milk? [Also: they don’t establish it, but I’m assuming that’s not formula, that’s the real stuff his mom pumped earlier] She does squirt some milk from the bottle onto her nipples which Tiny Tim licks off, so there is that.

Abruptly, she decides she needs to change his diaper. She gives Tiny Tim a pacifier to suck on and strips him down, revealing he is in fact wearing a diaper.

I feel like I’m beating a dead horse here, but who the fuck is this supposed to appeal to? Is there a cross-section of people who are into watching age-play with little people sucking a pacifier, wearing a diaper, and chugging breast milk?

Actually, just saying that out loud: I’m sure they exist. Sorry folks. Keep doing your thing. We try not to kink-shame.

Sabrina: “No wonder you were crying, baby, that’s a big boner. I should help you with that.”

I retract my previous statement, this is all deeply fucked up. Jesus christ.

So. He methodically fucks her in each of her orifices. It’s more or less what you would expect, except Sabrina keeps referring to him as “baby” and “little boy” which is deeply upsetting under the context. Eventually things end in an ass-to-mouth cumshot which Sabrina swallows, then puts a pacifier back in Tiny Tim’s mouth and puts him to sleep. Classic men, amirite? Straight to bed after an orgasm.

Okay. So. Sabrina never breaks character. Is this film trying to imply that she didn’t realize that an adult dwarf was impersonating the child she was babysitting, and by extension, having sex with said child was part of her normal babysitting duties? Because that would make her a pretty terrible babysitter, as well as a probable felon.

Or is this film implying that Sabrina comes in, immediately recognizes the pint-sized but fully adult male with a three-inch goatee is not the child she is babysitting, and assumes that it must be a little person who enjoys age play and is into it enough that she just rolls with the punches without breaking character, while completely ignoring the fact that she is in fact supposed to be babysitting, and who the fuck knows where her charge is? Because that would also make her a pretty terrible babysitter.

I’m going to go with option three. See, Tiny Tim instantly bursts into the house mere seconds after Dad left, so he was clearly lying in wait. I think Tiny Tim and Sabrina are in a long-term relationship. He gets off on weird age-play diaper breast milk shit, and Sabrina gets off on the same, as well as fucking her boyfriend when she’s supposed to be working. They clearly planned this out in advance, and he was probably hiding in the back of her car waiting for Dad to leave so they could carry on with their fucked-up roleplay.

Hopefully Dad doesn’t have a nannycam in that room because he may have questions after reviewing that footage.

Kissing: No

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 4:04
• Cunnilingus: 2:34