Episode Five – Fuck Me In The Video Village, Part Two
We open (after the teaser) on a confessional with Hero explaining that he’ll be working with Blair today, and that they haven’t shot together, and they also haven’t hooked up off-camera. The first time mashing your genitals together can always be nerve-wracking. Blair (in her own confessional) says she’s excited because Hero (unlike her previous scene partners) can actually get it up, which means Blair will be able to demonstrate her own skills for possibly the first time.
So Hero and Blair make out and there’s some lip-biting and light choking and…he has an erection! Blair deep-throats him without noticeable effort and the judges are dutifully impressed.
Asa: “Oh, she has a vagina like you.”
Remi: “She does!”
Asa: “Yeah. Like those peach pussies, where like the cheeks are fat, and the lips are little?”
Remi: “I like those.”
I don’t know how helpful this analysis is, but fair enough! You have Tony Romo in the booth because he can recognize the defensive arrangement and add insight the TV viewer might not know, you have Asa Akira in the judge’s chair because she remembers what everyone’s vagina looks like. It makes perfect sense.
Hero eats Blair out, and the judges comment about how they need to see Hero cum, and they need to see him fuck Blair. Finally he sticks his cock in her and he immediately goes to semi-hard and they fuck but he’s clearly not 100% hard. The judges comment on how unbelievably dry everything is, and Asa says she wants to go spit on it. Nobody’s stopping you, girlfriend. At any rate, eventually Hero goes soft.
Hero: “I don’t know what was wrong with me, I started to go limp near the end, and that was the end of the scene.”
Blair, however, is exultant, and she and Hero share a crisp high-five, which, needless to say, needs to be the climax of more porn scenes.
The judges discuss it after and agree that this performance was basically what they expected from Hero, and also from Blair, although for Blair they mean it in a positive way. They all argue and talk over each other, which makes it impossible to know what they are saying or what their analysis is, but they’re chiefly pissed he didn’t cum, so they call Hero in for a little interrogation.
Asa: “Why didn’t you cum?”
Hero: “Good question. I still haven’t managed to do it on camera. It’s clearly a problem for me.”
Asa: “It didn’t even seem like you tried.”
Kieran: “It felt there – like for me – I looked at the last position you were struggling a little bit, you were giving it, the cock, the death grip, and then you thought, you know what, I’m not going to cum, I’m just going to call it.”
Lexi: “Didn’t even try jerking off – ”
Kieran: “Didn’t even try to pull out and jack it – how do you cum at home? Do you jack it off?”
Hero: “Um, yeah.”
Asa: “There’s guys that jerk off for 20 minutes while we go ” (Asa opens her mouth and sticks her tongue out)
Lexi: “You need to try to give us a pop shot, even if you have to go into a corner and jerk it there and come back and cum on her face, we need to see you cum.”
Great point. Maybe you should have told him this BEFORE HE SHOT THE FUCKING SCENE YOU TWATS.
The judges continue giving Hero helpful advice that would have been a lot more helpful before the scene, since, you know, they have thousands of pornographic films under their belts and Hero has maybe two unfinished flicks and zero pop shots. In the end, Kieran tells him he did a “decent enough” job and that’s that.
In the next scene, we open on Kaelin in a confessional. She’s been paired with The Colonel.
Kaelin: “I’m not super excited because I don’t have any attraction to him at all, I think he’s nice and he’s, um, an interesting character for sure, but would I ever – do I have any attraction to him? No.”
Good thing being in porn doesn’t depend on you being attracted to your scene partners since male porn stars are selected on
a) their ability to stay hard
b) their cock size
c) their ability to ejaculate more or less on command, and
d) their willingness to follow basic instructions
and that’s about it.
The Colonel: “How do I think today’s scene is going to go? I have no idea. Like Bruce Lee says? Be like water. Fill the cup.”
We cut forward to their scene and The Colonel and Kaelin start kissing awkwardly. The judges comment on how Kaelin is hesitating, but things proceed until Kaelin has her bra half taken off and then she stops and pushes The Colonel away.
Kaelin: “Uh, I can’t do this.”
The Colonel: “Really?”
Kaelin: “No, I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s totally me freaking out.”
We get a confessional of The Colonel talking about how he has challenges taking off bras, so they’d worked out a signal in advance (which apparently he gave Kaelin) hence Kaelin unhooking her own bra before she said no. The Colonel accurately points out that No means No.
We get a little more footage of the aborted scene – Kaelin says again it’s her fault, The Colonel tells her he’s not going to do anything she’s uncomfortable with, The Colonel turns to the cameras and is like, yeah, we’re done here. Kudos to The Colonel for handling this pretty much perfectly.
We more confessionals:
The Colonel: “If I were pressed to make a guess why she did this, why she said no, was for marketing. She was the girl who said ‘no’.”
Kaelin: “I mean, I want to be here, I’ve just had a bad string of like, partners.”
So the judges call Kaelin in for a little explanation. She says she’s a little uncomfortable. They ask if it was getting naked, or with The Colonel. She says The Colonel.
Lexi: “But why, he had a hard cock?”
Oh Lexi. You sweet summer child.
There’s some back and forth, but eventually Kaelin admits that she’s never been super comfortable fucking on camera but has just sort’ve tried to push through but thinks maybe porn might not be for her at all. She does think it might have been different if it was with someone she was even “miniscule attracted to”. The judges are all pretty chill about this and Kieran suggests that maybe porn might not be for her. Separately, some of the judges are NOT impressed.
Tori: “So now you’re going to say you only want to have sex with certain people, but not other people? Well, then you’re not a porn star, you’re a girl. You know what I’m saying? There’s a difference between being just a girl and being a porn star.”
Yep. That pretty much sums it up. I’ve noted before how many male porn stars are hideous fucking CHUDs. Porn isn’t about being attracted to your scene partner, it’s about delivering a convincing sexual performance.
Lexi: “I don’t even really know what happened.”
Tori: “You know, I kinda feel like it was a little contrived. I kinda feel a little bit as though Kaelin is – maybe she really is genuinely uncomfortable with porn, but I feel like she might be like, riding the show a little bit, while not wanting to do it, like ‘I’m gonna make it a big deal that I’m not into this’, because she came out, and she was kissing him, and she took her own bra off, and then she pulled the plug.”
Lexi: “The day before she threw a fit that it was the third scene she couldn’t get a dick hard, so when you’re working with The Colonel it’s like, you know that his dick is going to get hard, we saw it before it even came out of his pants, here’s her perfect opportunity to show us what she’s made out of.”
Pretty much spot-on analysis. We then get another cutaway shot of Kieran and Remi talking to the camera where they shit on The Colonel. Kieran says he’s a brown-noser, Remi says he’s a dick to the other guys, Kieran says he’s a creep, and he’s the type of guy who’ll be a creep to the girls on set.
Kieran: “One, he’s going to get put on ‘No’ lists because he’s ugly – ”
And there we have it. They think he’s not going to make it because he’s ugly, and Kieran and Remi don’t think he looks like a porn star.
With that, we move straight into the eliminations, and they call everyone in.
They ask Adrian and Buddy to step forward (no surprises there). And…Kaelin and The Colonel. Now it’s time for the judges’ flimsy rationale for why they’re there.
Lexi starts off by talking about how much she loves Buddy, but he doesn’t have his head in the game and they haven’t seen enough from him. She doesn’t mention the fact that he was talking shit about his scene partner which led to her sabotaging their scene. Next up is Tori, who doesn’t even a little bit look like she believes what she’s saying.
Tori: “Colonel, I think, given the display that we’ve just all watched, uh, the first issue that is very prevalent is that you do perform – ”
EEEEERNT STOP RIGHT FUCKING THERE HE IS A MALE PORN STAR THAT IS THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT MATTERS.
Tori: “- however, the performance is not very camera-worthy. Your presence is not what we would say – you’re not aware of your movements on camera, um, your awareness of your partner is not necessarily there. The seduction, the entire…package is not there. So really, we have a hard-on, but we really don’t have much else. So…that’s why you are here.”
Kieran points out that Kaelin just looks like she doesn’t want to be there, and he’s not sure if it’s because she has ulterior motives, but that’s about it.
Asa then says that Adrian and Buddy will be staying, meaning The Colonel and Kaelin are eliminated. Buddy gives The Colonel a hug. Asa asks if they have anything to say.
The Colonel: “I think if given a little more time, I would’ve had presence, I would’ve performed better, given more scenes, because I have performed very well in the past. And I actually have those cumshots. I don’t know why I’m going home, because present and past – because I’ve been successful. It’s a punch in the gut. But expected.”
Kaelin basically says that eliminating her was the right choice because the rest of the girls want it. The judges ramble a bit, mention several more times that The Colonel is actually pretty cool, and that’s about it for the elimination section, although Asa says that they “do not have The Sex Factor” twice, because this show’s production is absolute dogshit. We go to a last confessional with Kaelin.
Kaelin: “I don’t want to be a porn star.”
Yep. Turns out that when she said she wanted to be here, she was full of shit!
The Colonel: “I think the fact that I don’t have the look for porn has a big effect in it.”
We get another confessional with Buddy Hollywood saying that he feels guilty that The Colonel was eliminated instead of him since, after all, he certainly deserved it more. And that’s about it.
Needless to say, when this episode was released there was general outrage among the fans who saw right through the flimsy rationalizations put forth by the judges and saw this for what it was: getting rid of a contestant that the producers didn’t want to begin with. Gentle reader, allow me to pull back the curtain.
In virtually every reality competition, there will be a few contestants that everyone on the production team knows has no business being there. Why? You need some contestants to eliminate right out of the gate in the first few episodes. I would bet my eye teeth that the judges saw The Colonel – a goofy-looking motherfucker – and assumed he would show up and be unable to get hard on camera (or prematurely ejaculate) and be eliminated in the first episode, and everyone can have a good time clowning on the nerd who wanted to be a porn star. However, The Colonel surprised them by being the only male contestant to actually get hard and ejaculate on camera, leading to several other contestants to be eliminated, and they jumped at this chance to force him out because they didn’t want someone who looks like him to win.
Every single justification they provided was complete and utter horseshit. Kieran and Remi talked about him being a dick to the other guys and being a creep, but, shockingly, they didn’t show any footage of this actually happening. With Caspian, they had footage of him randomly jerking it in front of people AND footage of multiple other contestants calling him a fucking creep. If they had footage of The Colonel being a creep, show it. If you have a girl saying he’s a creep, show it. They didn’t, because it doesn’t exist. They eliminated him because, as Kieran said, they think he’s ugly, they thought he would be eliminated quickly, and they were too filled with cowardice to fucking admit it.
The judges have been talking throughout the entire competition about how THE MOST IMPORTANT THING for the male talent is getting and staying hard. That’s it. That’s critical. The Colonel was the only fucking person in this abominable excuse for a show that could actually do it.
And as for their weak-ass arguments about him not having ‘the look’ for porn – sure, I’ll be the first to admit The Colonel looks like a skinny goofy nerd. That will probably be a challenge for him. But as I’ve repeatedly stressed on this site, porn is full of hideous fucking male porn stars. On top of that, there’s a thriving market for men to fill the “Awkward nerd fucks voluptuous MILF” market. Dudes like Rion King and Alex Jett have thriving careers despite looking like skinny nerds.
This was the moment that cemented The Sex Factor as being absolute dogshit, but let’s see how the rest of the season plays out.
The Colonel went on to appear in a very respectable 29 pornos, while Kaelin had a role in the 2015 blockbuster “Shark Exorcist“, so I think it all turned out okay for the both of them.
