I get emails periodically from porn companies – purely for scientific reasons, of course. When I got an email from HotMovies talking about the top 10 Halloween-themed pornos, I was intrigued, especially when they claimed to have 243 (!) Halloween-themed pornos, because from my own research, the only holiday that is frequently featured in porn is fucking Christmas.

I checked out the list (VERY NSFW) written by some individual going by “Love Shovel” which, okay, my nom de plume is Lemony S.W., I shouldn’t judge. Love Shovel has written 4 articles for HotMovies and only seems to have been on the job for six weeks, so I’ll cut them some slack, but this listicle is hot bullshit. The closest any of them come to being Halloween-adjacent is the porn parody of the Halloween film franchise. For fuck’s sake, they have a Walking Dead parody listed! Halloween is not the horror genre! Halloween is fucking Halloween! It’s about costumes, candy, and trying to work up the liquid courage to talk the slutty nun into staying in costume and character while you fuck.

I’m not sure why Halloween is so underrepresented in porn. It seems like an oversight, especially given the ease to tap into the fetish for outfit stuff. To be fair, if you punch ‘Halloween’ into your favorite tube site there’ll be plenty of results, but next to nothing that has any plot to speak of or is related to Halloween.

Brother’s Dick Trick or Treat (which, let’s be real, is a terrible name) opens on Penny Pax and Haley Reed in the kitchen in their Halloween outfits. Penny thanks Haley for putting together the decorations and manages to subtly work “your father” into dialogue. Well orchestrated, but even blood relations will sometimes say “your father” so until convinced otherwise I’m not buying that Penny is her stepmom. 

Codey Steele (repeat offender) enters, and it’s one of those dogshit POV videos, so Haley and Penny will stare straight into the camera when they’re addressing him:

Haley: “Where’s your costume?”
Codey: “Oh, don’t worry, I’m going to put it on later.”
Haley: “OK. You want something?”
Codey: “Hmm…I might have something you want.”
Haley: “What?”
Codey: “Uh…I got some candy for you. I got some of your favorites in here because you’re my favorite sister.”

Troubling. As he speak, we pan down, revealing, you guessed it, his dick in the bowl of Halloween candy. 

For a holiday that is chiefly associated with presenting a bowl of Halloween candy to *children*, I’m not sure this was the greatest idea. On the other hand, after the surprise dick in the pizza box and in the popcorn, this is fucking genius.

Haley mentions that she is kinda hungry, and starts rooting around in the bowl of candy, which includes wrapped Starbursts, unwrapped Twizzlers, and free-flowing Skittles, because Codey Steele is a goddamn monster. After a moment she grasps his cock. 

Haley: “Ew! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I think the second-most-common phrase in incest porn after “What are you doing, step-whatever?” is “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Haley bitches that she’s going to tell ‘Mom’, despite Penny Pax being less than six feet away and clearly within earshot of everything that is happening. Codey says she shouldn’t. Then Haley dares him to play the same trick on Mom. 

In a terrible bit of blocking, Penny clearly looks down and would obviously be able to see directly into the bowl to Codey’s Schlongbottom resting on top of the pile of candy, but because realism isn’t important to the filmmakers, we’re treated to an extended scene of Penny fumbling around until she grasps his cock and has a very mild freak out. 

Penny: “What is wrong with you? This is completely disrespectful! You know, I am your mother!”
Codey: “You’re only my stepmom. Come on.”

Nice save. 

Penny summons her husband into the kitchen and explains that “his son” thinks it’s funny to put his dick in the candy bowl. Dad is clearly unamused, and so he makes Codey…stand in the corner. 

Yeah. You know that punishment that uncreative parents used before children were special and if they didn’t feel like resorting to violence? That’s what they’re busting out for their adult son for what is, let’s face it, incestual sexual assault. 

So. He stands in the corner for a while. Penny and Dad leave. Haley comes over and they bitch at each other for a bit and then she starts doing a sexy striptease for reasons the script does not make at all clear. After a bit Penny comes back in and Haley dives for cover. 

Penny: “That boner’s supposed to be gone, mister!”

I mean…squirt him with a water bottle or something? 

Penny suggests that of course, his mother’s tits wouldn’t turn him on, and immediately pulls the twins out. I assume for most of us who haven’t dipped our toe into Lake Incest seeing our mother’s tits would make our dicks shrivel up and retreat inside our bodies, but this is porn we’re talking about, so Penny slapping the twins about has quite the opposite effect. Finally Penny grabs him by the cock and drags him – like you’d drag an unruly child by the ear, back before children were special – into the living room. 

Anyway. She calls Haley in, and they all fuck. It’s like most transgenerational pornography: deeply problematic. You see, we’ve established that Penny is Codey’s stepmom, and while it isn’t specified, I have to assume that Haley is implied to be Penny’s blood-related daughter. I have to imagine if this was an obscenity case being argued before the Supreme Court, the fact that a blood-related mother and daughter were simultaneously fellating the same penis would not *technically* count as incest, and, perhaps other things might not. But where do you draw the line?

Is a step-mother forcing her daughter’s head down on her step-son’s cock a bridge too far?

Is a step-mother gently guiding her step-son’s penis into her daughter’s vagina beyond the pale? 

Is a step-mother sucking her daughter’s pussy juices directly off her step-son’s cock over the line?

Perhaps we’ll never know. At any rate, Penny and Haley have direct sexual contact multiple times so there’s no hiding behind this step-relations bullshit. They all fuck in a variety of positions, and it’s not great because let’s not forget this a POV porno so we spend the majority of the scene staring at Haley’s back, and things end the way they normally do. 

It’s not great. Mostly because, while Codey is doing his job, neither Penny nor Haley have learned the subtle art of less being more, and spend every second talking in intense detail about how much they want that cock and aggressively moaning. Seriously, ladies:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Kissing: No.