I stumbled across this one recently, which made me wonder if there’s a lot of funeral-themed pornography out there. Turns out, there isn’t, but of the limited number, there were three that were all shot and filmed in the exact same room, which is unsurprising, since all three came from the frequently-featured mind of legendary director Jim Powers. 

The first comes to us from a scene called “Daddy’s Little Angel Meets Coffin Joe” from Naughty Little Nymphos 8, released in 2001. In it, we see Angel Long as the sole attendee at a closed-coffin affair:

Eventually she gets bored and opens the coffin – which I’m fairly certain you’re not supposed to do – revealing Brian Surewood, dead…who then suddenly opens his eyes! 

She screams, he grabs her by the throat, it’s very aggressive and rapey, and after yelling at each other, they fuck, but there’s no plot to speak of. Brian says he was just “catching some sleep” which doesn’t make a lick of sense and it’s not expanded on at all. 

The second was a scene from Naughty Little Nymphos 11, released in 2002. We slowly dolly in on the casket as very dramatic organ music plays, and as we get close, Brittney Alexander and Johnny Thrust pop up from behind the casket. Johnny mentions that it was a ‘close one’, so evidently they were hiding from someone.

There’s some unintelligible dialogue about their dead friend because the sound mixing is terrible and you can’t make out what they’re saying under the organ music. Apparently Christopher Nolan learned sound mixing from Jim Powers. Eventually they get down to business:

Johnny: “We should do it right here, one last screw for her, what do you say?”
Brittney: “Okay!”

And then they fuck in a variety of positions and nearly all the orifices, while increasingly obscure music plays (in no way shitty porn music). Aside from the music, the only thing worth noting is Brittney is from New Zealand, so at least she yells “Oh fuck me!” in an interesting accent.

Still, we’re 0 for 2 so far, but our third entry is from Babysitter 13, released in 2002, which is going to make the fuck up for it.

We open on a title card, which I always appreciate:

I’m in!

The camera slowly zooms out, revealing the room:

I should note that the music is excellent here, with a woman humming ‘Amazing Grace’ and doing a superb job.

We move up to Marc Cummings, kneeling next to the casket, and addressing who I can only assume is the occupant:

Marc: “Sally, you were the best babysitter a man could have. The whole family – we could always count on you on Friday and Saturday nights, coming in, full of life…I can’t believe you’re gone. I’mma miss that beautiful face…those pouting lips…the firm body…that nice round ass…those firm young tits…that juicy tight pussy. Sally, how are we ever gonna find a babysitter like you!”

Something tells me that maybe not the *whole* family could count on him. The music switches over to gentle piano as Marc breaks down sobbing and Veronica Lace comes in, full of feminine concern.

Veronica: “Mr. Johnston, are you okay?”
Marc: “No! I’ve lost a babysitter!”
Veronica: “Well, I’ve lost a best friend.”
Marc: “I know, Veronica. Come here.”

Veronica comes over and they share a nice hug. It’s very sweet.

Marc: “You know, Sally was more than just a babysitter. I’d drive her home at night after she watched the kids, and, well…Sally was also my lover. I’ve had problems with the missus, and Sally just made me forget about those problems. I’m really gonna miss her.”
Veronica: “Well, maybe I can be your babysitter?”
Marc: “Are you really ready to step into Sally’s shoes?”
Veronica: “Well, Sally was my best friend and you really need a babysitter. I’m there for you.”

Marc springs to his feet and goes in for the kiss and the music effortlessly transitions from gentle piano to the goddamn Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah. Goddamn, they are fucking crushing it with the music. 

Marc: “Sally would have wanted it this way!”

I’m not entirely sure that Sally would, in fact, want her best friend and former love to fuck literally on top of the coffin containing her corpse, but then again, she’s dead, so we’ll have to take Marc’s word for it, it sounds like he knew her quite well. 

She blows him for a bit (while kneeling on the prayer bench, which feels appropriately blasphemous). They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. Veronica asks him if she’ll be a babysitter and Marc reassures her that she’s a “good friend” to Sally. He looks over and we pan over to the head of a casket and for a moment I hoped it would burst open and Sally would leap out, or we’d see smoke start pouring out, but instead we just fade to black.

I know it would be challenging to do, especially on a porn budget, but just once I wish the moment the porno ended, we would pan around and instead of an empty room, you’d see an entire audience of people who would obviously be there that somehow the main characters forgot about. Just seven or eight porn stars dressed in black, holding tissues, mouths agape in absolute shock at what they’ve just witnessed. 

All things considered, this last one was pretty solid. It’s great to see porn that acknowledges funerals should be a celebration of life instead of a dreary affair, and what’s more celebratory than fucking right on top of the coffin? And overall, great production quality: they have a real casket, the room feels like it could be set in a church or funeral home, and the prayer bench ties it together. I don’t know exactly why nobody else is attending this wake, though. Where’s Sally’s family? This doesn’t make a lot of sense. 

Kissing: Yes. 

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 4:18
• Cunnilingus: 2:27