Back on February 7th, 2022, I wrote a post describing the practice (popularised by those of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, AKA Mormons) of soaking and jump humping:

For the uninitiated, soaking is practice of a guy inserting his penis into his partner’s vagina and then just lying there like a clambake. Any thrusting or movement is strictly verboten. Supposedly, this is a popular move among horny Mormon teenagers because the movement is what makes sexual intercourse a sin.

The natural extension of soaking is jump humping. This occurs in accordance with prophecy where a friendly third party is recruited to stand on the bed next to the two people engaged in soaking and jump up and down, creating that all-important movement and gentle friction to stimulate the genitals. Since the act of sexual congress is not being initiated by either sex partner, it also is not a sin.

At the time, I was lamenting the fact that no pornography existed of this practise, and to help fill that gap (as required by Rule #35) I put together a script that the ‘biz could use. For free.

Exactly 113 days later, on May 31, 2022, the fine folks over at PureTaboo released ‘Soaking’. A porno. That features soaking (well, kinda) and jump humping. 

Now, I can’t really take credit for this. There’s no evidence they were inspired in any way by my post. They sure as shit didn’t use my script. Hell, the characters aren’t even Mormons. Jump humping had already gone moderately viral in October 2021 and any enterprising pornographer worth their salt would have gotten on that and right quick. All I will say is…you put good vibes out into the universe, you get good vibes back. 

We open on slow panning shots of plates of unappetizing-looking food on a dinner table with mournful violin music. Over shots of people holding hands, someone prays to bless the food. Excellent. I’ve gone on record saying we need more prayer in pornography. 

Brighten (Hazel Moore) nudges Clara (Cadence Lux) several times, eventually kicking her under the table. Brighten whispers that she needs to talk to Clara afterward. Fair enough. Bad idea to be whispering during the prayer. Don’t choose the quietest time to be whispering secrets. 

Brighten saws off a piece of the most dried-out husk of chicken that I’ve ever seen and adds “It’s important!”. Yeah. Figured, since you’re talking during the blessing. Cold opening over, we get a title card, which I appreciate:

Later, Brighten knocks on Clara’s door and explains that Mom and Dad left to help the missionaries meal prep. I take it these two are sisters? She has something to say, but says that Clara can’t tell their parents – or anyone. Before she can explain further, her boyfriend Elijah (Seth Gamble) appears from behind her. 

Clara: “I don’t think Mom and Dad would approve.”
Brighten: “Listen, me and Elijah – we’ve been committed for a long time. I mean, we go to church every Sunday, and we go to the temple at least once a month. I mean, we volunteer with the youth, and we plan to marry after college. But we’ve been really struggling staying…virtuous.”
Elijah: “Yeah, um…I’ve been watching things online that I probably shouldn’t be!”

Aw shit! He’s been watching dirty movies on the internets!

Clara is confused with why they’re bringing this to her, but Elijah says they may have found a solution. Brighten exposits that it’s a “legitimate loophole” and they’ve already cleared it with “Brother David”. 

Elijah: “It’s when a man inserts his penis into a woman – in order to express his love. Without actually penetrating her.”

I don’t think you can insert your penis into someone without penetration. 

Clara sputters something about false prophets, which I assume is referring to Elijah’s understanding of the English language. They reiterate that it’s a loophole and this Brother David, whoever he is, signed off.

Clara: “So what, do you need me to stand guard?”
Brighten: “No, we need you to help us…move.”
Elijah: “Stop being shy and tell her what’s going on!”
Brighten: “Uh…we can’t move…”
Elijah: “Let me tell her. Look. So. We’re gonna be…I’m gonna put – insert – I’m gonna insert it inside of her, and you’re going to help us, you know, move.”
Brighten: “It’s not like you have to touch us or anything.”
Clara: “I was gonna ask, I don’t have to -”
Elijah: “No touching!”

Elijah explains that she’ll just be jumping on the bed.

Clara: “Brighten, is this what you want, you want me to do this?”
Brighten: “You’re the only one I can trust.”

That’s right. You can always count on family. 

Brighten: “This is very emotional for me. I want to be virtuous, I do, but I don’t want to lose him to frustration.”

Hats off to Hazel Moore, who is doing a very fine job of playing Brighten as an extremely nervous virgin wracked with religious guilt. At any rate, Clara agrees to help them out.  

Brighten starts slowly taking off her clothes, and Elijah helps her with considerably more enthusiasm. Much to my dismay, they are not wearing magical Mormon underwear. The first step is a soaking…blowjob? He puts his cock in Brighten’s mouth and Clara starts bouncing up and down on the bed and nothing moves all that much but Elijah seems to be enjoying himself:

We get a very nice artistically framed shot with the mirror above the dresser proving that some porn directors do know how to place a camera. 

There’s a few shots of Clara looking bored and finally she sits down and asks if they’re done yet. Elijah asks her for help with “one more kind of soaking”. Brighten and Elijah strip the rest of their clothes off, assume the position, and – 

Elijah: “Okay, you’ve got to put me in her, because I can’t.”

What happened to no touching?!

Clara reaches out, grasps his shaft, tentatively stuffs it inside her sister’s vagina, and resumes her jump humping – from her knees. As time progresses, we see Clara visibly getting more into her role as the jump humper. And also – look, I wasn’t entirely sold on the physics of jump humping when I first heard about it, and to be honest, it’s not great, but Elijah and Brighten are both holding more or less completely still and with just Clara jump humping they’re getting maybe a solid inch of penetration on each bounce. Not that much, but a great deal better than nothing. 

Things are proceeding nicely until Elijah forgets himself and starts thrusting. Brighten looks up in horror and pushes him out of her.

Brighten: “I’m sorry – I can’t!”

She jumps up, covers her breasts, and scurries out of the room. Another casualty to young hormones. Clara and Elijah watch her go, and Clara casually reaches out and grasps Elijah by the dick. There’s a brief moment of high sexual tension, and then Clara starts tearing off her clothes. 

Which. You know. This does track. I’ve never experimented with jump humping, since the poophole loophole was more popular among the Catholic community, but I have to imagine your jump humper getting too turned on and trying to tag themselves in is always a risk. 

Clara and Elijah start aggressively fucking. It’s clear that Clara doesn’t have the same sexual hang-ups as her sister, and either Elijah has abandoned his principles altogether, or he was faking it for Brighten’s sake. Neither of them seem particularly concerned with the ethics of Elijah fucking his fiancee’s sister. They fuck in a variety of positions and it’s going quite well until they are interrupted by a knock at the door. Clara leaps up and dives for cover beyond the bed. Elijah hastily arranges himself. 

Brighten: “Where’s Clara?”
Elijah: “I think she…I think she left. Where were you? We were supposed to do this together.”
Brighten: “I’m sorry. I just got nervous. You know.”
Elijah: “I know but I told you I can’t handle it – not having sex – I have urges. I just spent my whole life not actually going through with it. I don’t know how we’re – I just love you so much and I don’t want to lose you over this. You promised me there’d be a release today.”

Ah, manipulation 101, the hallmark of shitty boyfriends since forever.

Brighten: “I guess we could just…do it regular? As long as we don’t tell anyone, especially Clara. I don’t want to tell her that I…”
Elijah: “Hey. It’s just between me and you. No one else will know.”

We get a quick shot of Clara taking the Lord’s name in vain under her breath, three feet away:

And then they fuck.

It’s…pretty great. I’m aware that morally speaking, cheating on your fiancée with her sister immediately after you lost your virginity to each other via soaking and jump humping, and then going back to fucking your fiancée without even showering first is, I think, a series of sins that will send you straight to the inner circle of Hell, even if you didn’t fuck while said sister was hiding in the same room, but this is porn, and as plots go? Not bad. 

They also go straight to vaginal intercourse, which was frustrating. I was hoping Brighten would start blowing him, stop, and ask “Wait – why does your penis taste like my sister’s vagina?” No such luck.

As soon as they start, Clara pops up and for some reason, gives Elijah’s balls a quick tug:

When I first saw this, I assumed that this was going to play into some kind of threesome, or maybe she was just going to hide next to the bed and slide a finger into an asshole at the right moment, but this is immediately abandoned as a plotline. Brighten and Elijah fuck in a variety of positions while Clara alternates between flicking her bean and looking horrified at the entire turn of events. Unfortunately, Clara’s motivations haven’t really been locked in for this scene, and it does pull the audience out of the immersion several times. 

Eventually he accidentally creampies her, to their mutual horror, and Elijah frantically tries to finger the semen out of her snatch over the edge of her bed. And again, I was like “Holy shit, they’re going to do friendly fire!” but nope, it just drops to the floor in front of Clara’s horrified face:

The music immediately turns mournful. 

Brighten: “It’s alright. It’s okay.”
Elijah: “It’s not okay.”
Brighten: “It’s alright. We’ll figure it out. “
Elijah: “We’re screwed. We’re so screwed.”

We go back down to the floor for one last lingering shot of the semen-encrusted floor, and credits. Yep. We’re ending on a downer. I guess in this universe the Supreme Court has outlawed Plan B. 

All things considered? This is fucking great. It’s a little annoying they abandoned the soaking so quickly, but this is porn, and as hilarious as soaking is, it’s not all that arousing. The performances, the prayer and religious guilt are on point, and Rule 34 has been satisfied. 

I don’t think this one can be ruled as incestual. The closest it came was Clara guiding Elijah’s penis into her sister, but I watched carefully, and Clara and Brighten never make any physical contact (aside from holding hands in prayer at the dinner table, which doesn’t count). I think the furthest we can go is ‘weird’.

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 8:14
• Cunnilingus: 0:00