Sometimes, I stand in awe of what humanity can achieve when we really put our minds to it. We went from the first flight at Kitty Hawk to a man standing on the surface of the moon in just 66 years. If you’d told a horny teenager flipping through a shitty, black-and-white Tijuana Bible in 1956 that just 66 years later you could slip on a VR headset and watch a beautiful eastern European woman deep-throating a nine-inch cock that looked like it was yours, he’d call you crazy.

On the flip side, I equally stand in awe of what depths we can sink to. Before I started this website if you asked me, “Lemony, what’s the most fucked-up plot you’ve ever seen in a porno?” I would have pointed you directly at what I reviewed in This One Is Basically A Hate Crime.

I get it. Here’s the thing. If, in real life, you want to explore a kink, and do so in a safe, responsible, way – I’m down with that, even if the subject itself is fucked up. A rape fantasy is surprisingly common. In porn, I think there’s an ethical and non-ethical way to do that. For example, put a disclaimer on screen at the beginning. Shoot a post-scene confessional where you interview the actors and they talk about how they enjoyed themselves and that they’d prepared and consented to everything beforehand. There’s a way to present something in a responsible way to your audience, and that’s very different from, say, a scene where an actress says she doesn’t want to have sex, is ignored by the actor, and then after he forces himself on her, she decides after ten seconds that actually she does want to fuck.

What made the plot in This One Is Basically A Hate Crime so repulsive is that there was literally no point to it. It’s not like there’s a thriving market for watching developmentally disabled men fuck porn stars; if there was, I’d know about it. It was just a couple assholes who thought it’d be edgy and funny to make the plot of their porno punching down at a marginalized group for literally no reason, and then to repeatedly belittle and make jokes at the expense of that person throughout the scene.

Which brings us to today’s topic, which is honestly one of the most baffling things I have ever seen in porn. It comes to us Nineteen Video Magazine 34, which is a weird naming choice for a DVD series.

We open on Jack Hammer, which is a fantastic porn name, clad in jean overalls, raking the…ground. Raking dirt. Solid choice. Immediately, his voice-over narration begins:

Jack: “I don’t know where to start. Yes, I am a sex offender.”

THAT’S A BAD FUCKING PLACE TO START. WE ARE EIGHT SECONDS INTO THIS PORN SCENE. [In whatever the opposite of a fun fact is, this scene is called “Confessions of a Sex Offender.” YIKES. It should probably have been called “Excuses From A Sex Offender Who Should Be In Prison”]

Jack: “I paid my dues. Four years in the state penitentiary. Yeah, young pussy. So what? I got a four year stint for doing what everyone wants to do. Pumping young p-hole.”

Lot to unpack there. First, if you’re a sex offender for ‘young pussy’ that means you’re a child rapist. One does not go to prison for fucking barely legal teens, you go for raping a child. What the fuck is wrong with these people? This is PORN. This is supposed to be AROUSING. Why am I listening to a motherfucking CHILD RAPIST try to justify his crimes?

Second, Jack will use ‘p-hole’ repeatedly throughout this scene. I’m not sure if he means “peehole”, in which case, he should be aware that women do not pee out of their vaginas. Or maybe he means ‘p-hole’ as in pussy-hole, which is the weirdest fucking slang I’ve ever heard in my life. Just say pussy, you fucking shitweasel.

Jack: “I tried to stay in control of myself, but it’s so hard. So hard! They’re everywhere, you understand? Everywhere! They wear tight skirts, skintight jeans, and their little titties just wiggle up and down when they walk. So hard not to touch. So hard. They say I’m sick. Maybe I am! I don’t know. I love fresh slit, that’s a fact.”

You’re definitely sick, and the Venn diagram of people who use the term “fresh slit” and people who have committed sex crimes is basically a circle. Also, I’m glad that we’re giving this child molester time to trot out the “it’s because they dress so hot” excuse.

Jack: “I see myself more and more as someone who appreciates beauty and understands it! You see, it’s the beauty that I want to possess. That beauty.”

The Venn diagram of people who use the term “fresh slit” and people who appreciate and understand beauty is two circles with zero overlap. In fact, let me fucking diagram it for you!

Jack: “Like I said, I got out on parole a couple months ago, and I am barred from having contact with anyone under 18. Thank God, because this fucking moron I’m working for has the sweetest, hottest daughter. She’s 19, barely legal, but legal.”

That’s the first good thing I’ve heard so far.

Eventually Sunnie Daye (repeat offender) and her “dad” walk up. Dad tells Jack to clean up the pool and jacuzzi and to do a good job or he’ll have to do it again. He’s being a little bit of a dick to Jack, but not too much. They wander off so Dad can drop Sunnie off at school, but not before she gives the convicted sex offender a long, slow-motion, sensual gaze.

Jack (V.O.): “Fuck you dickhead. You faggot motherfucker.”

Remember the year 2000? You could walk right onto an airplane and casually call air stewards homophobic slurs and nobody would even bat an eye.

Jack (V.O.): “I wonder – they’re gonna be gone for a while. I wonder if she left her unwashed panties lying around. Please God, please – I need the scent of her fresh peehole, please!”

I realize I’ve talked about Venn diagrams too much already, but there’s an interesting one that I’d like to make that involves

• A) convicted child rapists who both believe in and pray to God,
• B) use their prayer to ask Him, in His Wisdom, to allow their break-in to their boss’ house to
• C) discover unwashed panties his boss’ 19-year-old daughter has left around so
• D) this recently paroled felon can jerk off to their smell.

It seems complicated.

Jack goes inside, and immediately finds some of Sunnie’s panties. We get more dialogue, because there’s nothing I like more in porn than listening to men talk.

Jack: “There’s nothing like the smell of a young girl’s cunt.”

I get that in this case, the girl in question is 19 and therefore technically an adult. However, I feel compelled to remind you that THIS IS A GODDAMN CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER! Why would you do this? What is wrong with these people?

Jack lies down on the bed and starts jerking off while sniffing the panties. Shitty porn music kicks in and suddenly Sunnie Daye fades into the room. Jack is shocked. I’ll cut through the bullshit: This entire sex scene is just Jack’s imagination while huffing Sunnie’s farts. As the scene progresses, we’ll cut from Jack and Sunnie fucking to Jack by himself jerking off. I think that’s kind’ve better within the world of the porno, since Sunnie the character isn’t having to fuck this creep, but worse for the audience, because now we’re really just watching a convicted sex offender jerk off.

Anyway. That’s about it. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. Despite all his mad talk about loving the smell of a cunt like fucking Miggs from Silence of the Lambs, he doesn’t go down on her. Turns out, child rapists are notoriously selfish in bed. Afterwards, he’s sitting there snorting clitty litter off her panties and Sunnie walks in and is justifiably horrified. She sprints out of the room and Jack chases after her, hopefully to soon perish in a spray of highly justified LAPD gunfire.

Kissing: No

Fun fact: as I was putting this scene together, I noticed something interesting.

Now, this scene came out in 2000 on a DVD called Nineteen Video Magazine 34. It was released by Dane Productions, and was directed by Don Marque. Another video also came out in 2000, was released by Dane Productions, and was directed by Don Marque, and it also starred Sunnie Daye. It was called University Coeds #24, and there’s some interesting similarities between the two scenes.

First, they were obviously filmed in the same room. Some set dressing has been changed around, but you can see the same yellow flowers in the corner, the same picture on the wall, and distinctive striped pillow cases.

On the other side of the bed, you can see the same corner desk, lamp, stuffed animal, mirror, and green vase. It’s the same fucking room. Now, if that were it, that would be interesting – at least to me, probably not to you – but that’s not it. Because also, Sunnie Daye is wearing exactly the same clothes.

Same wife beater. Same pair of panties. Same dirty white knee socks. Same ring, same necklace, same bellybutton piercing. I don’t know if these two scenes were filmed on the same day (although knowing how hard porn stars work, I wouldn’t be surprised) but I’d bet my eye teeth they were filmed the same weekend.

Which I guess makes sense, on a purely financial level. You have the crew there, you spend the morning filming one scene, you hand her some baby wipes to get the cum off, over the lunch break you rearrange the bedroom slightly so it has the right Feng shui your porno needs, and then you shoot another scene in the afternoon. Why the fuck not?

But it gets even weirder. See, earlier this year I wrote a post called Sexsomniac Complicates Family Dynamic, also starring Sunnie Daye, where she sleep-fucks Rod Fontana. That scene hails from Nineteen Video Magazine 33, also from Don Marque and also from Dane Productions. The sex scene primarily takes place on the couch, but if you look in the background while they’re fucking…it’s that same goddamn stuffed animal:

The next morning, when she confronts Rod, there’s that same bunch of yellow flowers, now in the kitchen. Sunnie Daye was also dressed identically (white panties, white wife-beater, dirty white socks).

The other fun fact: In University Coeds she fucks Herschel Savage, who, when he walks into her bedroom in the middle of the night….is wearing the same bathrobe that Rod Fontana also wore: