We get some opening credits, which I appreciate, and a title card, which I appreciate more, and a title that is genuinely clever:
Most porn companies would just call it “Busty Paramedic Sucks A Dead Dude’s Dick And He Comes Back To Life And Fucks Her” or something as equally blasé, hope I didn’t spoil the movie for anyone, bottom line, I appreciate the effort.
We get some footage of Steve Holmes lying there with plastic covering his face, and Melody Marks, all done up in sexy hazmat gear. It’s probably worth noting that while they’ve hung plastic sheeting over the walls and some lights on the ceiling, it does not do nearly enough to disguise the fact that they are very obviously filming this in the back of a Uhaul van. You know, when I started Stupid Porn Plots, I never would have thought that both cops and paramedics would be fucking people against their will in the back of a Uhaul.
Melody: “Gee, Mr. Holmes, you must have made a lot of enemies, because someone wanted you dead.”
She pulls up the sheet, revealing Mr. Holmes’ enormous flaccid dong.
Melody: “Such a shame.”
Melody pops off her gloves, sensually licks both of her palms, which are probably all sweaty from being inside her gloves, and starts rubbing his dick.
It’s also worth noting they are very clearly shooting this with a handheld camera while driving down a very bumpy road, so the opening couple minutes are shaking so hard I started to get nauseous. That, or I find necrophilia-themed pornography off-putting, but after multiple years of writing for this site I don’t think anything will faze me.
Anyway, after about ninety seconds of fellatio Steve Holmes’ hands rise suddenly. HE’S ALIVE. Melody takes this in stride, barely even missing a slurp, which I find fascinating. We clearly established that Steve was dead at the start of the scene. Maybe in this world paramedics can suck a corpse back to life, meaning that porn stars are now the world’s most valuable resource. Or maybe it’s just Melody. Either way, I think you’d notice, react, do something. I’m not saying you have to stop sucking once the corpse comes back to life, but maybe pause, high-five, ask them if the afterlife is real? Instead she just strips off the remainder of her outfit and resumes sucking.
That’s really about it. There’s no more plot-related dialogue. They pull over eventually and the driver, rather than turning around and saying ‘What the fuck is happening back there?’ or ‘Goddamnit Melody not AGAIN’ or ‘I am not cleaning up any more jizz from the back of this fucking Uhaul!’ instead just pulls out a camera and starts filming through the divider between the front of the Uhaul and the back. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do.
And then – as we get a musical sting – we see a close-up of Melody retrieving a thin metal instrument from beneath the bed:
Steve sees it and smacks her hand, knocking it away – and bursts out of the doors to his freedom.
Okay. I have a lot of questions which are probably not going to be answered, given that we instantly cut to black.
First of all, given the amount of porn that is clearly shot in the back of various vans driving (poorly) around San Fernando Valley, there have got to be some hilarious stories of porn crews being pulled over by the cops, tinted windows or not. Know of any? Hit me up: StupidPornPlots@gmail.com.
Second of all, just what the fuck is going on here? I can’t imagine this is just some kind of fucked-up roleplay, because the character motivations don’t make any sense. Yeah, I could sort’ve buy that Melody is a teenager with deep-rooted daddy issues, a minor necrophilia fetish and a savior complex she can only scratch by pretending her dick-sucking skills can reverse brain death, and I could almost kinda buy that Steve is a dude she met off Craigslist who was willing to rent a Uhaul and hang up some plastic sheeting, and the driver is her sketchy pizza delivery guy who’s willing to drive them around while they swap bodily fluids in exchange for getting to film them while he rubs one out in the front seat, all that, yeah, I can buy, but why’d she try to murder him at the end, it makes no fucking…
…wait. Okay, I think I’ve got it. I think Melody and the driver are serial killers. They lure their victims in by recruiting people for a little kinky fucking-a-corpse-back-to-life role-play, and explain all the plastic sheeting hung up in the back of their murder van is to sell the ambulance illusion, but actually the plastic sheeting is there because they’re going to Dexter their victim’s horny ass before the cum is even dry. I think that’s what the director was going for.
Or maybe this is just some Final Destination shit, where after Melody sucks a corpse back to life she then has to murder him to keep the universe balanced? That does seem like an awful lot of trouble for a single sexual conquest, why not just go to a fucking bar like a normal person? Still, it takes all kinds to make a world, and we don’t like to kink-shame here at Stupid Porn Plots. It also would be a pretty interesting plot, where a woman can only get off by fellating corpses back to life and then immediately murdering them. That might have even been a plot once on SVU. As I recall, they couldn’t get the charges to stick because legally, you’re allowed to kill someone if you first brought them back to life. It’s in the Constitution.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 8:37
- Cunnilingus: 4:30