We open on Adalind Gray and Dick Swardson (which is a great porn name) sitting at the kitchen island. They immediately get down to business.
Dick: “Okay, Adalind, so your foster mom here has me helping you to become a little bit more, um, help you out with your behaviour, so we’re going to go over some Bible verses here, um, I just want you to kind read through this one here, whenever your ready.”
Adalind: “Uh…no one whose balls have been – ”
Dick: “It’s testicles, not balls.”
Adalind: “But balls is funnier!”
Dick: “Oh, god. Oh my gosh. Just keep going.”
Adalind: “ – who have been crushed or whose cock has been cut off -”
Dick: “It’s not cock, it’s penis, don’t use that word – ”
Adalind: “It is penis! That’s a good word, all right, you’re right – ”
Dick: “Just read the words, okay, work with me here, okay?”
Adalind: “Well, nobody who has had that happen to them may be admitted into the community of the LORD! It’s, it’s in all caps.”
Several things:
- The Bible does put ‘The LORD’ into all caps, points for accuracy
- This is entirely true and it’s from Deuteronomy 23:1, quote: “No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may participate in the assembly of the LORD.” I’m not entirely certain why God made this rule, but the Bible is pretty fucking weird when it comes to rules about your dick.
- I am VERY intrigued about why this tutor has chosen this verse to help Adalind with her behaviour. Come on, Dick. You can sell this.
Dick: “All right, so, let’s talk about some ways to change your behaviour now that you’re going to church more.”
Adalind puts her foot up and sensually strokes Dick’s thigh like she’s in a Quentin Tarantino movie:
I think most Bible studies would immediately give Adalind a time-out if she showed up in this short of a dress.
Dick: “Okay, stop that, let’s focus here, focus, I know it’s a lot. Try this verse here, okay, just, try to work with me here, it’s very important.”
Adalind: “I dunno, just reading all these lines about sex just makes me so horny, you know.”
They argue a little bit about this, and Adalind starts stroking his crotch with her feet like she’s in a Quentin Tarantino porn parody.
Dick: “We could get in a lot of trouble for this.”
Adalind: “Not if you repent.”
That is a foolproof loophole, as long as Adalind is 18…
Dick: “Oh man, you are right about that.”
Adalind assumes the position and starts unbuckling his belt. Dick protests that her foster mom is in the other room and he could get fired for this. Adalind tells him not to worry.
Dick: “Oh, God forgive me. Oh, forgive me Lord. It feels so good though.”
I feel like that counts as a prayer, and we definitely need more prayer in porn.
A moment later, the door pops open and Ainsley Adams comes in. Adalind doesn’t miss a beat.
Ainsley: “So how’s this going?”
Dick: “So far so good. I’ve been talking about Scripture, and, um, the way things change her behaviour…she’s just in the restroom upstairs right now, and, um…”
Ainsley: “Okay, um, what have you been doing?”
Dick: “Just waiting for her, and just going to keep going over, um, you know, Scriptures, and things to do, and, um, so yeah she should be right out.”
Ainsley says she’ll be back in five minutes and exists. Adalind continues her knob-slobbing.
Adalind: “Can you see God now?”
That’s a fantastic line.
Dick says they might need to both repent after this.
Adalind: “The problem is I don’t regret what I do.”
And that’s why you’ll burn in the fires of hell, Adalind! If, you know, Hell exists.
Ainsley comes back in and starts bitching about Adalind still being in the bathroom, then comes around the side of the laptop, and is shocked! Horrified! Appalled! And…embarrassed!
Ainsley: “Young lady, you’d better stop right now!”
For a moment I wondered why Ainsley would be more upset at her foster daughter than at the dude she hired to teach Adalind good Scriptural morals, and then I remembered that the Bible is chiefly interested in punishing women instead of men for their sexual misconduct. Chalk another one up for Biblical accuracy!
Adalind, on the other hand, pulls her down and tells her to tag herself in. Ainsley says no, it’s awful, and wonders how Adalind is doing that.
Dick: “She is doing the Lord’s work, in a way.”
If God didn’t want humans to perform fellatio, He wouldn’t have made dicks fit so perfectly inside mouths. Checkmate, atheists.
Anyway, Ainsley is intrigued, but she says she’s “never done that before”. This…sort’ve tracks. I think 90+% of religious women eventually become sexual deviants, but there’s certainly a small percentage where they have silent missionary sex in the dark for the purposes of procreation and that’s about it. The stereotype is always in some way based upon reality.
Adalind guides her foster mother into cupping Dick’s balls and asks how she does it all.
Adalind: “I love what I do!”
Enthusiasm is certainly a requirement for above-average oral sex, but that’s not actually any type of actionable advice. Anyway. They take turns sucking his dick. There’s a few more inane comments but nothing all that interesting. Eventually Dick’s dick unleashes the children Alfredo all over Ainsley’s glasses and we fade right out to black.
Overall, I think Dick is mostly to blame for this mess. You have to be careful around religious girls, they generally don’t know about how much dirty shit is in the Bible, and once you start talking about smashed testicles and prostitutes they are pretty much off the reservation.
Kissing: No