If porn companies had writers rooms (and I’m starting to suspect they don’t) I imagine the following conversation has played out at some point:

Dick: “I’ve been trying to figure out how to make porn creepier.”
Rod: “And how’s that been going for you, Dick?”
Dick: “Hear me out: what if we took something commonly associated with adolescents – for example, orthodontia – and leaned into it?”
Rod: “You – ”
Dick: “And I’m not talking about just having porn stars with braces and we reference it a couple times. I’m talking making it the primary and overriding focus, we commit like it’s a fucking Family Guy bit.”
Rod: “You – ”
Dick: “Give it a sexy title, something like ‘Cum on My Braces’ or ‘Bang My Braces’ – ” 
Rod: “You – ”
Dick: “Because, after all, what could be hotter than sticking your dick into an orifice lined with wires and rubber bands?”
Rod: “Dude, you had me at ‘adolescents’.”

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Perhaps some people enjoy braces-themed pornography for reasons outside of weird age-play shit. After all, braces porn gave us the single solitary creative ‘stuck’ porn plot where Vanna Bardot got her orthodontia headgear somehow entangled with the kitchen faucet, and was fucked from behind by her boyfriend Tyler Nixon in a plotline featuring a stunning lack of incest:

At any rate, today’s update comes from Brace Face 5. We open on a nicely framed shot of Anastasia Knight, wearing a graduation gown and cap, staring in the mirror and fretting over her lines.

Apparently she’s the valedictorian or some such shit, and has to deliver a speech. Anastasia, bless her heart, is really busting out her acting chops, and luckily, the script is calling for her to be a terrible actress, so she’s fucking nailing it.

Anastasia: (in a high-pitched, terrible British accent) “Good evening, it is with great honor – okay, why, why would you start with that? I don’t know, I just wanted to make an accent because it would be funny? (she hacks like a cat coughing up a hairball) Got something in my throat, sorry guys. Okay. Good evening, it is with great honor that I am able…NO!”

She continues to bitch at herself in the mirror as Tyler Nixon enters stage right and pauses just around the corner:

Tyler thinks this is all very funny and pulls out his phone to record her, but butterfingers, he drops his phone on the floor! It’s almost as believable as watching a low-effort infomercial.  Anastasia is pissed and they poorly improvise yelling at each other. Tyler says that he’s taken a public speaking class and he can help her out.

Tyler: “You know what, I actually had an ex-girlfriend that had the same exact problem that I was able to help through this, but hey, you don’t want my help, I totally get it, I will just go…leave…”
Anastasia: “FIIIIIIIINE.”

So Tyler sits next to the bed. His first suggestion is an extension of the ‘imagine the entire audience naked’ one, but instead, he suggests that Anastasia get naked, because if she’s comfortable enough to recite her speech naked, the real thing couldn’t be that hard. Anastasia decides she’ll try it out, so she makes Tyler turn around, strips naked, then puts her graduation robe back on. 

Which kinda defeats the entire point of being naked, but okay. She tries a couple more lines, struggles, and Tyler suggests that maybe she’s having trouble with her braces, and has a suggestion that worked with his ex-girlfriend, who also had braces. 

Tyler: “You know what, never mind, this is way too crazy of an idea to be sharing with my stepsister – ”

Goddamn that’s some smooth exposition.

Tyler: “- uh, so forget about that, no no no, that’s crazy, uh, it worked, but, I, I, I, no, there would be no way.”
Anastasia: “My lithp came back, thankth.”
Tyler: “Well, I would, but…there’s ways in which we could minimize that stumble and lisp – ”
Anastasia: “Okay, well tell me your idea.”
Tyler: “No no, it’s kinda weird to tell you, even though it’s practically clinically proven in every scenario that this definitely treats lisp and stutter amongst speech –  speakers, but…”

That ‘practically’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence. 

Tyler: “But it’s just kinda awkward for me to recommend that treatment to someone like my sister.” 
Anastasia: “Spit it out.”
Tyler: “It’s really hard, even though it’s 100%, will work, for sure, without a doubt, at all, I mean, for me to just recommend it to you, my stepsister – ”
Anastasia: “I’m tired of your connotations, just let me know.” 
Tyler: “It’s jizz.”
Anastasia: “Uhhhhhhhh….”
Tyler: “Yeah, just organic jizm.”

Curious question: how, precisely, do you get non-organic jizm? Is that if the dude is a smoker, or he’s had the COVID vaccine, or are they just talking about methylcellulose?

Anastasia mutters ‘jizm’ a few times. Tyler rambles for a bit about how it helped out ‘Sarah” with her braces and the ‘lubrication in the cum’ helped her with her dictation and dry mouth and all that stuff. And then he keeps trying to sell it, for some reason. I’m in, porn movie! This is right up there with semen being a cure for acne and providing immunity against COVID. They improvise poorly for a bit, Tyler suggests she find a dude who would be willing to ejaculate in her mouth, she says she doesn’t know anybody, he suggests himself, yadda yadda yadda, 

Finally Tyler admits that this is probably just too weird and says he’s going back to his room. Anastasia stops him and says fine, and tells him to jerk off. Tyler says he already jerked off once that day and would ‘need help’. And finally, 12 minutes into this 39-minute porno, they get down to business. She sucks his dick for a bit, and we get a truly great exchange. 

Tyler: “You’re doing pretty good, though.”
Anastasia: “I know, I have practice.”
Tyler: “Really?”
Anastasia: “Yeah, Catholic school.”

SHOTS FIRED. 

Anyway, that’s about it except for one exchange when Tyler is tongue punching the fart box:

Tyler: “Tell me what you like?”
Anastasia: “I like you…hurry up and coming?”

There’s a brief moment when Tyler chuckles awkwardly and Anastasia realizes that was a dumb fucking thing to say in a porno, then tries to save it by giving Tyler a derisive pat on the head.

Anastasia: “Oh, but that feels good too.”

Anyway, they fuck in a variety of positions, Tyler won’t shut the fuck up, and things end on her braces. He hands her the paper to continue practicing, but it turns out, having a mouthful of jizz doesn’t really help with your enunciation. I guess Tyler was just making all that shit up so he could fuck his stepsister. What a scamp!

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 5:47
• Cunnilingus: 1:26