We open with a title card, which I appreciate, over one of the patented POV shots that Jim Powers has fucking nailed throughout the babysitter porn we’ve seen:

Chelsea Zinn: “Okay [Kelsey], you think you can handle this now, I’ve shown you everything, I’ve given you a tour of the house, right? Um, here’s the bottles, if you need anything, there’s four more bottles in the fridge, every four hours you make sure you feed the baby. You got that? Oh, how cute! You sure you’re going to be okay?”
Kelsey Michaels: “Yes, I’ll be very careful.”
Chelsea: “And make sure you stay OUT of the liquor cabinet.”
Herschel Savage: “Honey, we’re late!”

Kelsey promises not to drink their liquor. There’s some more badly improvised dialogue, but the bottom line is, Chelsea demands that the baby never leave Kelsey’s sight because she’s terrified of shit like crib death. Hmmm. In my experience, parents with this level of fear over crib death just don’t hire babysitters, they stay home. 

Herschel tells his wife to stop talking about crib death because he doesn’t want her to jinx the kid, and they leave. We cut forward, Kelsey is holding what is obviously a doll wrapped in blankets, but we never see it, because you definitely don’t show kids in a fuck movie, even when the kid is a doll. 

Kelsey plays with the ‘baby’ for a bit and gives it the bottle, and this being a porno, she glances around guiltily, then pulls out one of her tits and sticks the front of the POV camera up against it. Oh no. No no no no no!

Kelsey: “That tickles! Ooo, don’t bite. You are a little sucker.”

We fade to black, then come back a short while later.

Kelsey: “Ooo. That made my nipples hard.”

GODDAMNIT. 

Okay. So first of all, don’t breastfeed someone’s kid without permission? That feels like a pretty big boundary when it comes to babysitting. Second, Kelsey is obviously not lactating, who are we even fooling here? Finally, what the fuck, porn? Why? What is the point? What is to be gained? 

The baby is asleep now, so Kelsey tucks them into the crib and wanders off to check out the rest of the house. She moseys into the master bedroom, throws herself gleefully onto the bed, and says “Ow!” because she just took a sizable vibrator to the ribs: 

This being porn, she turns it on and immediately starts masturbating. JESUS H. CHRIST. NO! Don’t use someone else’s sex toy! 

What a terrible fucking babysitter. Still, I have to imagine this is what most of them get up to when you trust them to take care of your kids. They try to breastfeed your child and then jerk off with your sex toys on your bed. 

Kelsey masturbates for a bit, and then we get a note from the director:

Director: “As I pan up your body, give a look toward the door again. Go.”

There’s been a lot of upsetting things in this porno so far and this is by far the worst. Why the fuck would you leave that in this? It is not even a little bit difficult to edit that shit out, and this is not gonzo porn. Have some goddamn professionalism. 

Kelsey faps for a bit, and everything is going great until Chelsea and Herschel walk back into the bedroom. They are, predictably, not pleased.

Chelsea: “You filthy fucking little whore!”
Kelsey: “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Chelsea: “I leave for 20 fucking minutes and come home to you in MY BED with MY VIBRATOR?”

They yell over each other quite a bit as they improvise a screamy fight. Herschel threatens to call the police. Chelsea runs downstairs to check on the baby while Herschel remains upstairs to verbally abuse Kelsey some more. Eventually he picks up the vibrator.

Herschel: “You know what this is? This was a present…for our three year wedding anniversary…and you violated that.” 

Everyone knows that for the three year anniversary you buy your wife a sex toy. 

Herschel sniffs the vibrator.

Herschel: “This is your cunt juice all over this vibrator, isn’t it?”

Chelsea comes back in holding about eight dildos with varying shapes and sizes and accoutrements.

Herschel and Chelsea start yelling and working Kelsey over with multiple dildos at the same time. It’s…not great. It’s very poorly improvised and neither Chelsea or Herschel are particularly creative, so it’s just a lot of “You like that you fucking bitch?” and “Fuck her with that fucking dildo, that filthy little fucking whore!” It’s the type of ludicrous display that could only be appreciated by someone who enjoys watching ten straight minutes of porn stars improvising dialogue, and I’d rather have a limb sawed off by a Civil War doctor without anesthesia. 

They all fuck, by which I mean they pretty aggressively rape her by any legal and moral standard, and Chelsea and Herschel keep up a pretty unending stream of terrible dialogue. It’s not pleasant. A sampling, during a scene where Chelsea is holding the back of Kelsey’s head and forcing her head up and down Herschel’s cock: 

Herschel: “Dirty skank bitch, oh fuck.”
Chelsea: “Little 18 year old little fucking bitch, huh? You think you’re bad, you little babysitter, huh, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want? Suck that fucking cock! Suck it!”
Herschel: “Nine months you carried that baby, you stupid fucking cunt!”

Not a fan. 

This goes on for a while until things end the way they normally do. They threaten Kelsey with police action if she ever tells anyone about what happened here. 

Chelsea: “So, uh, maybe we can have her babysit for us next week? Would you like to babysit for us again?”
Herschel: “I have a good idea. Maybe we could actually get a good babysitter, somebody who knows how to take care of a child, and she (referring to Kelsey) could babysit us?”
Chelsea: “That’s a great idea, honey!”

Kelsey, who is dripping with fresh baby batter, smiles at this, so I guess we’re supposed to believe she’s amenable to this plan. And that’s about it. 

This was not great, on pretty much every level. Kelsey violated their trust by breastfeeding having their child suck her nipples, and by masturbating using their special anniversary present vibrator. Chelsea and Herschel were well within their rights to be upset, but absolutely handled their reaction in the wrong way. It all came together to create a pornographic scene that is almost definitionally unmasturbatable, a word that does not exist but I will do my best to add to the English lexicon. 

Kissing: No