This one comes to us from Nineteen Video Magazine 28, and we open like most porno should: with an old, fat, uncredited guy sitting next to the pool reading the newspaper. After a moment, Robbie James enters.
Robbie: “Dad, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute.”
Dad: “Sure, son, what can I do for you?”
Robbie: “Well, I know we’ve talked about this before, but I was hoping maybe this time you could take it into consider – ”
Dad: “It’s not about that computer again, is it?”
Robbie: “Yes, Dad, it is.”
Dad: “I told you, we cannot afford it, plus, you don’t need it!”
Robbie: “I do need it, I need it for school!”
Dad: “Well, if you need it that bad, then I suggest you find yourself a job, and buy yourself one. “
Robbie: “Well, maybe I will!”
Got it. Son wants computer, Dad tells him to get a job. Classic setup, I can’t wait to see how they are going to spin this into pornography. Dad reminds Robbie that once he acquires a job, he’ll have to start paying rent, which is a real kick in the dick. Robbie leaves, and Dad takes a sip from a visibly empty glass before sighing in annoyance at his deadbeat son.
Next, we see Robbie wandering down the street holding a pile of books. There’s a bag on the sidewalk next to a recycling bin, so being the thoughtful young man that he is, he puts it inside the bin. I’m warming up to him. However, this reveals that hiding underneath the bag was…a computer!!! What a stroke of luck!
Any valuable electronics dropped outside are clearly up for grabs, so Robbie takes it, glances around quickly, and takes off. We cut to him returning home and setting up the laptop on his bed.
Robbie: “Oh, I hope this works, I pray this works!”
We need more prayer in porn. Apparently, God smiles upon him, because the laptop boots right up, and we’re treated with a glimpse of the technology people were using back in the Year of Our Lord 1999. This is an AST Premium Exec 386SX/20, featuring an astonishing (up to) 60MB of hard drive space! This is cutting fucking edge!
Just testing things out, he fires up what looks like Microsoft Word and types in the word DONUT before Dad calls out that it’s time for dinner. He leaves, but when he comes back…holy shit, there’s a donut next to the laptop!
Robbie is confused, but when the universe leaves free donuts on your bed, you eat them, so he tucks in and goes back to the laptop. He’s intrigued, though, so he tries a little test by typing the word ‘pen’. In a fairly nice special effect for a 1999 porno, a green pen immediately appears next to the laptop. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! His laptop can just…summon things! Or create things?
Robbie: “Wow, too cool. Let me try one more thing. Dad says get a job, well, I think I’m gonna go find me a job. Let’s see, I want…”
He types “A 1000 DOLLARS” into the laptop, which made me flinch, grammatically speaking. But sure enough!
Here’s a little pro tip: if you’ve figured out that this mysterious computer seems to be able to summon or create things magically, but you haven’t figured out whether there’s a limited number of wishes before it burns out: start with more than a thousand dollars. How about a million? How about twenty million? Use your imagination, Robbie.
Robbie is ecstatic and counts the money, just to make sure he did actually get $1,000.
Robbie: “Now what else do I want? Because I may only have three wishes.”
Case in point, but also, if you only had three wishes, you’re out, because you used the first two on a DONUT and a PEN! But Robbie has an idea, so he types in “FRESH 19 YEAR OLD VIRGIN” and Jezaree Robs appears on the bed.
I wonder what ‘fresh’ meant in that context? Like, ‘virgin’ seems to be doing a lot there. Did the computer just make sure Jezaree had recently showered and gargled mouthwash? Is she going to be a bit of a smart ass?
Robbie IMMEDIATELY goes in for multiple kisses, which is weird, and then asks her for her name, which is weirder. I feel like you get the name first before you start smooching on a clearly terrified virgin who may or may not have just been teleported into your bedroom by a vindictive computer.
Robbie: “And you’re really a 19 year old virgin?”
Jezaree: “…I guess?”
And we are really going to under-deal with that. Who the fuck is this chick? Is she some poor unsuspecting teenager who was whisked away from her family and friends and unceremoniously dumped into this dipshit’s bed? Is she just an entirely new person yanked into existence? Does she have memories of the past nineteen years of her life? Is she even fucking human? Why did she answer the question about her virginity with ‘I guess’? Don’t worry: none of these questions will be answered.
Jezaree: “Where am I?”
Robbie: “You’re in my bedroom. You’re here for me.”
YIKES. So clearly Robbie views her as more of an object for his sexual pleasure, rather than a living, thinking adult female with agency…which makes this pretty standard porn, I’ll be honest with you. Not sure why I’m surprised.
Robbie begins sensually stroking her inner thigh.
Robbie: “Is that okay? I hope so.”
NO THAT IS NOT HOW CONSENT WORKS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
He starts taking her shirt off, and Jezaree is doing a pretty solid job of looking terrified and virginal, and Robbie tells her to ‘just relax’ and they start making out while he fondles her breast and…he’s wearing a wedding ring.
Awesome. So in addition to being an unemployed deadbeat son, he’s also an unemployed deadbeat husband who’s cheating on his wife.
Robbie explains that she’s going to give him a blowjob next, but she’s a little confused, being a virgin and all, so he elaborates that she just opens her mouth and takes his dick, like a lollipop. I’ve written before about the lollipop analogy in porn.
Robbie: “And you just keep sucking on it like you’re trying to get to the Tootsie Roll in the middle.”
Critically, he does NOT mention not biting, which is a rookie mistake.
Anyway, they fuck in a variety of positions and it’s not terribly interesting, except when she gasps in pain when he first enters and he…just ignores it and keeps right on going.
Robbie: “You’re a quick learner, aren’t you?”
Jezaree: “That’s what my mommy tells me.”
First, don’t mention your mother while you’re having sex. Like, sometimes if you’re having an intergenerational incestual threesome, you kind’ve have to, but outside of that, just don’t. Second, who the fuck is this? Why is she so nonplussed by being teleported into this dude’s bedroom?
Eventually things end the way they normally do. Robbie suggests that hopefully he can “call her up” on his computer again, which really demonstrates the lack of thought they put into this plot. Do they think she’s just going to fade away, only to be re-summoned again, as long as Robbie leaves the “VIRGIN” off the “FRESH 19 YEAR OLD” request? And if that’s the case, will his donut, pen, and a $1k also disappear? Also, if you had a computer that could summon things at will, why wouldn’t you immediately type in “ANOTHER FRESH 19 YEAR OLD WHO IS BISEXUAL”?
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 1:41
- Cunnilingus: 0:00