We start off with a company logo – this is from Sex Over Fifty, which I’m down with – and then a title card, “The Pastor’s Wife”, which I’m more down with. Text appears that tells us this is starring Autumn Cooper and Pierce Cooper. This is from one of those real-life couples that make porn videos together and upload them with creative titles like “My sexy MILF wife seduces me” and “The mature wife of a Pastor seduces a young and newly married member of her absent husbands flock”. I know, suspension of disbelief and all that, but if you’re a porn couple and you only fuck each other, it’s harder and hard for me to believe you’re married, then you’re not, then you’re step-siblings, then one is a stepmom, etc, etc.
This is a POV video, so after a few lingering shots of Autumn, we get the camera guy coming up the stairs and Autumn opens the door. Let’s call the camera guy Pierce, since it’s obviously him.
Pierce: “Hey, is Pastor John here?”
Autumn: “Um, no, he’s not. Come on in! I’m sorry, he’s out of town this weekend at a conference, he won’t be back until next week.”
Pierce: “Oh, next week, oh, I’m sorry to bother you, he’d mentioned he – I just needed help with my seminary class. He said I could stop by. So – I’m sorry to bother you.”
Autumn: “No, it’s no bother at all. You know, I took those classes too, I’d be happy to help you. Is Britney out of town this weekend?”
Pierce: “She is, actually, she’s with her sorority sisters on a mission trip.”
I’m fairly confident that sorority sisters do not, in fact, go on mission trips, however: Sorority Sisters Mission Trip is a porno that NEEDS to happen. I nominate Bree Mills, or whoever was the mastermind behind Sister Hardy’s MormonGirlz escapades.
Autumn: “How’s she doing with that?”
Pierce: “Oh actually, she doesn’t have cell service, so I haven’t heard from her for about a week. She’ll be back, uh, Tuesday.”
Autumn: “Well, how about I make a couple cups of coffee, and we talk about your questions, and if I can answer them, great, and if not, you know, you’re just keeping me company for a bit.”
Pierce: “Um…sure, why not?”
All in all, dialogue was a little awkward, but that’s some smooth exposition. Pierce has a steady girlfriend, he’s a pastor-in-training, Autumn is married to the pastor so there’s definitely a power imbalance here, all things considered, these two should NOT fuck each other. Let’s see what happens!
Pierce: “Thank you so much! That makes so much more sense.”
WHAT? They completely skip over all the meaty dialogue? What was his theological question? Get the fuck into it! Is oral sex still considered sodomy? Is butt stuff consistent with God’s Word inside the boundaries of Biblical marriage? There’s a million things you could have done with this.
They chat a little bit. Pierce mentions that he doesn’t know whether Autumn or Pastor John was better at ‘this’. Autumn laughs it off, then subtly transitions:
Autumn: “I’ve been trying to find an excuse to talk to you. Um, I don’t know if you know this, but Britney and I have the same Bible study, and we’ve become really, really good friends.”
Pierce: “Oh good.”
Autumn: “Yeah, yeah it is really good. And I’ve really enjoyed talking to her, and um, you know, girls talk…she did share something with me that, that, might be a little sensitive…do you mind talking about it?”
Pierce: “No, not at all.”
Autumn: “She said that she’s not really satisfied…romantically.”
Pro tip: if the pastor’s wife ever says that to you, leave immediately…unless you want to fuck her.
Pierce: “Oh…I try to be as romantic as possible…I try to tell her I love her…give her flowers…”
Autumn: “It’s more physical, in the bedroom.”
Pierce: “Oh.”
Autumn: “I’m sorry to bring this up, I hope it’s not making you feel uncomfortable. It’s just something we’ve talked about, and I just want to help.”
Pierce: “Well I do appreciate it.”
Autumn: “Um…do you know the sensitive parts of a vagina?”
Pierce: “Oh! Uh…uh, wow. Parts?”
Autumn: “Hahaha. Well, let me demonstrate, would that be all right?”
C’mon, Autumn, he’s a seminary student, he doesn’t know shit about vaginas. Pierce is down to learn, though, so Autumn holds out her hand in a way that vaguely resembles a vagina.
Autumn explains where, you know, the fucking hole is, and then demonstrates where the clitoris would be. She explains that a clitoris is very sensitive, and that you just want to lubricate (here she licks her finger) and then she demonstrates massaging her fake hand clitoris. She asks if Pierce has seen Britney’s clitoris.
Pierce: “I’ve…caught glimpses, but it’s usually…the lights are usually off.”
Autumn: “The lights…hmm, what’s another…okay, this is between us, and this is to help your marriage.”
Autumn gets up and drops her underwear from beneath her skirt. Pierce gasps. Autumn hikes her skirt up and shows him where the clitoris is, then takes his hand, licks a couple fingers, and places them right on top of the Devil’s Doorbell. We hear a large chainsaw start up in the background, which I’m going to put down to inconsiderate neighbors not respecting the Cooper Filming Hour, rather than a Very Bad Omen, but it does work either way.
He rubs her for maybe ten seconds or so, and then Autumn breaks in and says that as important it is to satisfy her…Pierce needs to be satisfied too. Well, that sounds like a very Christian interpretation of marriage. She unbuttons his pants – Pierce is freeballing – and gets to work. She’s barely hitting her stride when the phone rings. Autumn answers it. It’s her husband John. She explains that Pierce came over for help in his class.
Autumn: “Actually, I’m sucking his dick right now, so I can’t talk. Bye!”
OH SHIT. UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT, TAUNTING, 15 YARD PENALTY!
Pierce, however, is horrified, and starts sputtering about how his life is ruined and Britney is going to find out when she gets home. Autumn explains that she’ll find out sooner than that. She resumes sucking his dick, and after about ten seconds Pierce’s cell phone starts ringing. Autumn says it’s Britney…because…plot twist…Pastor John and Britney are both in Vegas. Together. Fucking.
Music kicks in, and we get about fifteen seconds or so of Pierce and Autumn fucking before he unloads all over her stomach, and we slowly fade out to black.
Well. That certainly puts all this in a whole new light. It seems Autumn somehow discovered Britney wasn’t getting her sexual needs met by Pierce, so naturally she turned to Pastor John. Exactly how Autumn engineered Pierce coming over isn’t really spelled out, but it’s clear this was designed from the jump to seduce him just so she could talk shit to her husband while she was sucking another man’s dick.
Christians are fucking weird.
Kissing: No
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 1:05
- Cunnilingus: 0:00