Sometimes, I stumble upon a single bizarre scene that hints at a much more elaborate and intriguing backstory. Usually (because porn is not strong on the plots) this ends in disappointment. In this case (after far, far too much effort) I managed to track down the source and the related scenes from 2005’s ‘The Wrong Kind of Woman’, which was even nominated for a writing award at the 2006 AVNs. 

We open on Roxanne Hall and Dick Smothers Jr. walking inside a house, while a gravelly narrator gives us some V.O.

Narrator: “Cheat for her. Steal for her. Kill for her. Even die for her. There’s no risks some men won’t take…depending on just how wrong the woman can be.”

Inside, Roxanne and Dick – whose character name is Simon – flop down on the bed, kissing passionately. Dick asks if her name is really Chance, and Chance says it’s more of a nickname. Dick says he doesn’t believe her ‘cockamamie’ story about breaking down outside of his office.

Chance: “Well…you wouldn’t have invited me back to your house if you thought I was lying? Or maybe I was lying? I could be dangerous.”
Simon: “Well that makes two of us, darling.”

They have aggressive sex. Simon tells her he wants her to be as loud as she can be because ‘these walls are soundproof’. After things end the way they normally do, Chance parks herself on top of Simon  and says they should “spice things up a little” for round 2. She suggests toys, and Simon picks up a pair of handcuffs and tries to put them on her.

Chance: “No no no no no. You first.”
Simon: “I don’t think so.”
Chance: “You want me to trust you, don’t you? Well, prove to me first that I can trust you.”
Simon: “Go ahead.”

Chance handcuffs him to the bedframe, gets up, and immediately gets dressed. I’m going to be honest: I would not recommend allowing yourself to be handcuffed by a one-night stand. It might work out sometimes, but you’re playing with fire.

Simon: “You’re not leaving, are you?”
Chance: “Oh no. Not until I get what I came for.”

Chance opens up the chest at the foot of the bed, revealing a briefcase full of cash. 

Simon: “Who are you?”
Chance: “Who am I? Hmm. I’m the one who’s going to give that back to the people you stole it from.”
Simon: “And what did they tell you to do about me?”
Chance: “Oh, sweetheart. I don’t do hits. I’m going to leave that all up to you. You said it yourself. The walls are soundproof…and I know for a fact you gave your staff the rest of the month off. And, you were planning on taking a trip. As far as anyone’s concerned…you took it.”
Simon: “You can’t leave me here, I’ll die!”
Chance: “You know something? When an animal gets his leg caught in a trap, he’ll chew it off just to get out. I recommend…start chewing.”

Chance rolls out. Simon screams a few insults after her, braces himself, and goes right in for the big chew. And…holy shit! A man having to gnaw his own hand off to escape being handcuffed to a bed! What an opener for a porno! 

Also, not for nothing, but this is Simon’s house and bed, therefore these are his handcuffs, therefore he has to have a key somewhere. You’d think he’d at least try to drag the bed to something instead of going straight for the chewing. 

We cut outside Simon’s mansion to meet the gravelly-voiced toothpick-chewing narrator, AKA Randy Spears, AKA Detective Jack Tylor, who’s been called back in for one last job. A bikini-clad model (Isabella Camille) leads him through the house and out to the pool where Simon is chilling with some kind of wrist bandage (apparently he only needed to partially chew off his hand) and Jana Cova is sunbathing in the background. 

Jack: “What can I do for you, Mr. Simon?”
Simon: “I lost something, Mr. Tyler, and I need you to find it for me […] a briefcase, full of money. Quite a lot of money. A million dollars, to be precise.”

Jack asks him who took it. 

Simon: “Someone like you, detective for hire. Except maybe a little better-looking and not so used up. Someone who also uses sex as a tool of the trade. Let’s just say it was probably the most expensive blowjob I’ve ever received in my life.”
Jack: “Was this person a man or a woman?”

OH SHIT SHOTS FIRED. 

Simon isn’t pleased, but hands Jack a videotape. Apparently he surreptitiously videotapes all his sexual conquests, so he has the goods. Simon also knows that the money, despite what Chance said, hasn’t actually been returned to the rightful owners. Jack suggests it’s probably already been laundered. 

They argue about Jack’s cut of the profits and settle on $250,000 which sounds wildly unrealistic, but Simon demands that that price include his ‘pound of flesh’. Jack wanders out, and we immediately cut over to the lesbians on the pool chair for a pointless eleven-minute lesbian scene.

And you know, maybe I’ve just watched too much Game of Thrones, but this is the type of thing where sexposition would really elevate this to an art form. Don’t give us five minutes of dudes talking followed by 11 minutes of chicks hooking up, give us the dudes talking while the chicks hook up in the background, and yes, I’m fully aware this violates The Sixth Commandment. 

We move over to Jack’s detective office while he watches the artistically-black-and-white Chance / Simon sex tape.

Jack: “I knew her. She’d been my partner once. I suppose you could say that I taught her everything she knew. Except how to suck a guy’s cock. She learned that one on her own.” 

The chick sitting behind him is RayVeness, who is apparently a high-class call girl. RayVeness is momentarily horrified by watching a man chew through his arm on the videotape – which is very obviously the professionally filmed first scene of this porno, rather than a surreptitiously recording off surveillance cameras – but Jack turns things around and they fuck. It’s not terribly interesting. 

After, Jack heads off to track down one of Chance’s old boyfriends, a bartender at an underground strip club. Inside, we intercut between tight shots of Aria doing a striptease while Jack parks himself at the bar in front of an uncredited bartender with a goatee. 

They bitch at each other a bit, and eventually Jack tells him he’s looking for Chance. Goatee tells him to fuck off. Jack threatens to expose him to the newspapers. Eventually Jack explains an old job of theirs has paid off and Chance has some money due. Goatee is suspicious, but Jack implies that some of that cash might be coming on the Goatee. 

Jack goes back to Simon’s mansion and Isabella Camille greets him at the door, now fully nude. She takes him out back where Makayla Cox is on top of Simon, giving him a mediocre back massage, while Lee Stone (repeat offender) lurks in the background pretending to be a hired gun. 

Simon is pissed off that Makayla sucks at back massages, so he yells for Lee. Lee comes up, scoops up Makayla, and carries her off to ‘whip her into shape’. You know. With his dick.

Simon: “What do you have for me?”
Jack: “Well, I know who she is, and I know where she’ll be at 10:00 tonight.” 
Simon: “Then I was right, she’s a female dick. I’m assuming she still has the money?”
Jack: “Checked around town with a few of the fences. She’s looking to sell.”
Simon: “At fifty cents on the dollar, no doubt. Less? That stupid little girl, she should have left town.”

Simon explains the people he borrowed the money from might want to mount his head on the wall, which is confusing, because I thought we established he stole it. There’s some more uninteresting dialogue where Jack again implies that Simon is interested in dudes, because what’s a little casual homophobia, amirite?

Simon: “I suggest we get on with things. Go and meet this thieving little tramp, and get me my money…and don’t forget my pound of flesh. Perhaps something with a nipple attached to it.”
Jack (V.O.): “I didn’t know who I hated more. That soulless fuck named Simon…or me.”

We cut inside to Lee and Makayla hooking up, but it’s not remotely relevant to the story, or really all that interesting, so let’s skip past it. Later, Lee walks into Simon’s bedroom and picks up a gun. 

Simon explains that Jack will be meeting Chance at a hotel soon, and they’ll be waiting for them. Lee gets to kill Jack, but Simon will be ‘taking his time’ with Chance. 

We cut to Chance packing a suitcase when Jack walks in with a gun in his hand. I’ll be honest: I’d like more guns in porn. Much like a regular movie, when you start a scene with two characters and one of them is packing heat, it really elevates the scene. 

Chance: “Hello, Jack. Did you have any trouble finding me?”
Jack: “No. Piece of cake. I tried to teach you that once. You can find anybody if you know what rock to look under.” 
Chance: “Times must be hard, Jack. Taking a job from the mob.” 
Jack: “It’s not the mob.” 
Chance: “Oh yeah. Simon. Even worse.”
Jack: “I had my day. Now he has his. I get what I want, I get in, I get out. What about you?”
Chance: “I learned from you, Jack. What do you think? You want to fuck me, don’t you? Most men want to fuck me. And…depending on the man…I want to fuck them too. That part of me hasn’t changed. If anything, I think it’s more so.”

Jack slowly opens the suitcase full of cash. 

Jack: “I came for the money.”
Chance: “Why not take both? I, uh, crossed some pretty powerful people, Jack. Let me ask you. Did they want you to kill me?”
Jack: “Just punish you.”
Chance: “So. Punish me.”

They start aggressively making out and stripping off their clothes like a couple porn stars contractually obligated to fuck who are simultaneously good at their jobs. I have to call bullshit on the punishment, though: if Chance had really stolen a cool $1 million from mobbed-up criminals, they would be giving her cement shoes and dropping her ass into several hundred feet of icy water. 

They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. We slowly dolly backward, revealing the briefcase of cash and gun in front of the naked couple covered in semen. Chance and Jack discuss whether they should flee with the cash and live happily ever after or give it back. Simon and Lee walk in. Jack glances over to his gun, and we cut to outside the hotel, and a flash lights up the room as we hear two gunshots:

Jack: “There were four of us in that house. Two wouldn’t make it out that night. But that’s how it goes when it comes to the wrong kind of woman. Someone always has to lose. And up till now, that someone has always been me. But sometimes – sometimes – a man’s luck can finally change.”

Under the last line, we cross-fade with Jack passionately kissing Chance, and then fade out to black. 

Overall? This was pretty solid. The acting was decent, at least a couple of the sex scenes were relevant to the plot, and they pulled together a decent storyline on what was clearly a very limited budget. I wish more porn would do this: create a conflict, and structure a storyline around resolving that conflict, interspersed with the fuck stuff that pays the bills. It’s far more interesting than watching a couple bored actors improvise a few lines about being stepsiblings and have mediocre sex in an overexposed living room. 

Kissing: Yes