We open on Alexa Grace knocking on the door of a suburban home. Codey Steele (repeat offender) answers the door and Alexa walks right inside without so much as a by-your-leave, like she was raised in a fucking barn.
Codey: “Can I help you?”
Alexa: “Surely you can. ‘Tis a lovely day, don’t you think?”
Codey: “I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been outside yet. You from around here, are you lost?”
Alexa: “Tis all you heathens who are lost, I’m afraid, but ‘judge not, lest ye be judged’.”
All right, I like Bible quotes in my porn.
Codey: “…right. Seriously, is there something I can help you with?”
Alexa: “I’m on Rumspringa, and I seek the touch of a man from beyond my clan who can school me in the ways of the modern world so I can then return to my community once again.”
Got it. This broad is supposed to be Amish. You can tell by how not-Amish she looks. To the casual layperson, yeah, her garb might look like you expect the Amish to dress, but Alexa looks like a sexy Pilgrim just stepped off the Mayflower onto Plymouth Rock and started handing out smallpox blankets.
Regarding Rumspringa – there’s this thing that *some* Amish communities do, and it’s the idea that starting at age 16 or so, their teens get to go out, experience the outside world a bit, see what it’s like to live among the English and modern technology and shit like that, and then you have to decide whether you want to come back, be baptized into the church, and be, you know, Amish for the rest of your life, or if you want to go native. Those who go native and join the outside world are, of course, shunned by their friends and family for the rest of their natural lives.
That being said, the Amish, like most deeply religious cults, guard the virginity of their daughters like it’s the most valuable thing on earth, and they would never just let or encourage their daughters to throw it around, Rumspringa or not.
Also, the Amish term for non-Amish is ‘English’. They don’t call us normies heathens. We’re the English.
So, now that we know that whoever did this did not even do twenty seconds of Googling, let’s move on.
Codey: “I don’t understand.”
Alexa: “He seems like an ideal candidate, not brutish nor bestial, yet rather peaceable – but carnal – you are what I have been looking for.”
Codey: “Look, I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Alexa: “I want to get laid. There’s a horny Amish girl under this petticoat.”
Codey: “Well then why didn’t you just say so?”
Alexa: “I did. Now may I enter your dwelling so you may seduce me?”
Codey is down with this, so we cut to the bedroom where Alexa is examining the bedside light with fascination.
Codey explains that you press a button and the light comes on and the concept of electrical cords. My dudes. The Amish literally shop at fucking Wal-Mart. They know what electricity and light bulbs are, they just choose (depending on the branch) to not have them in their houses.
After marveling that his bed isn’t stuffed with hay (for Christ’s sake) Codey and Alexa share a few kisses. He starts trying to take her clothes off before realizing he has no idea how to remove this Pilgrim Halloween costume. Codey’s a pro, however.
Codey: “How do you guys even get this stuff off?”
The answer is ‘over the head’ and Alexa is wearing a pair of sexy pink lacy underwear and no bra, which sounds super accurate. They also take off the last bit of her outfit (the head covering) and toss it aside which is a direct violation of the Second Commandment.
Eventually they disrobe and Codey has to teach her how to suck dick. In a shocking turn of events, Alexa’s a natural, and takes to it like an Amish schoolgirl churning butter! Alexa has also been using her Rumspringa time to go in and get fully waxed.
That’s about it. They fuck in a variety of positions. Alexa completely loses her character and starts yelling about how he’s going to make her cum, standard porn shit. Eventually things end the way they normally do – in her mouth – and we get a closing quip:
Alexa: “That tastes better than freshly churned butter!”
Maybe Codey’s a considerate porn star and just eats a lot of pineapple, but I’ve had freshly churned butter, and it tastes great. I can’t imagine a load of splooge outshining it. On the other hand, Alexa is supposed to be Amish, so maybe she’s just being polite.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 4:53
- Cunnilingus: 1:31