We open with a title card, which I appreciate, that just reads ‘Tomboy’, and then another card that says ‘Schoolyard Disagreement’ and ‘10:00am’. What the fuck is this, Law and Order: SVU? 

Johnny Thrust (repeat offender) is talking to someone named ‘Tommy’, and as the card suggested, they are having a disagreement. 

Johnny: “Fuck you, Tommy,  it’s bullshit. I don’t believe a fucking word you’re saying. It’s not true.”
Tommy: “I don’t see it either, man, but Jimmy McFadden swears up and down that Sam is really a chick.” 
Johnny: “It’s bullshit. I don’t – just, no.” 
Tommy: “Hey, I didn’t ask you to believe me, just check it out.”
Johnny: “You know what, I’m going to, and when I find out, man, both Sam and I are going to kick Jimmy’s ass! And yours!”
Tommy: “Whatever. I’m just telling you what I’ve heard. Check it out for yourself. I gotta blitz, I’m late for class.”

Okay, so we’ve got a possible She’s The Man situation brewing here. I’m hopeful, given the title of ‘Tomboy’, that we aren’t drifting into something horrifically transphobic, but this is porn, so you never know. 

We get another title card that says ‘After School’ and ‘3:00pm’ which is very helpful. All porn should have these to help us keep track of the fast-moving plots. 

Johnny calls Sam, and says they need to talk, and asks if he/she/they will come over tomorrow. Sam agrees and they end the call. We then see Sam – Nikita Denise – eyeing her reflection in the background.

Nikita is wearing a flannel shirt and a Broncos hat – shout-out to Denver – but otherwise looks like a lady. She has the thick accent of a Romani raised in the Czech Republic, but also sounds very feminine.  

Nikita: “I wonder what’s up. It sounded serious. Did he find out my secret? I don’t know, I hope not. I don’t want to have to move again. I wish I didn’t have to be this way. I wish that I didn’t like girls. Why am I this way? Why? Maybe Dad was right. Maybe I’m not ever going to be normal. Why do I have these feelings to dress like boy? Why do I lust after girls? Will I ever be normal?”

LOT to unpack there. I don’t really like this whole ‘will I ever be normal’ schtick, although this film came out in the Year of our Lord 2000, when the world in general was a lot less cool about a whole lot of things, and I guess it’s fairly realistic that someone might have some complicated feelings about themselves, especially if they have an unsupportive dad. 

On the other hand, this scene came from the same DVD that had the scene we went over in Confessions of a NOPE NUH UH featuring the inner monologue of a convicted sex offender, so it’s equally possible these filmmakers just have a lot of really terrible ideas. 

Bottom line, Nikita is conflicted, she likes dressing as a boy, she lusts after girls, and all her friends are stupid. 

As she talks, she takes off her cap, revealing flowing black hair, and unbuttons her top, revealing titties. 

Nikita, uh…you know, if you’re trying to hide the fact that you have tits, binders are a thing. So are sports bras, come to think of it. 

She strips down, climbs into the shower, and spends a bit longer than is probably necessary soaping up her 34c titties and the fun factory. 

After another title card and time update – I changed my mind, these are fucking stupid – we get to the next day, and Johnny comes over. Remember the phone call from yesterday, when they agreed that Nikita would be coming to Johnny’s place? The filmmakers sure don’t! 

Johnny: “We’ve got a problem. First of all, there’s a nasty rumor going around about you at school.” 
Nikita: “What are you talking about, [Johnny]?”
Johnny: “Well, Jimmy McFadden says you’re a girl dressed up like a guy.”

Nikita tries to laugh this off, and I notice the very conspicuous make-up mirror sitting on the dresser over her left shoulder. C’mon, Nikita, get your head in the game!

Nikita: “You are not buying that bullshit, are you?” 
Johnny: “Uh, Sam, I don’t know how to – it’s not just that. I don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t know how to say this.”
Nikita: “Just say it.”
Johnny: “…I like guys.”
Nikita: “You like guys?” 
Johnny: “Yeah. You turn me on since the first day we met. There’s something about you, uh, I know you’re not a girl and all, but, but, you’ve got these qualities, and, uh, maybe – you’re gay, aren’t you?” 
Nikita: “No, no I am not.”

Johnny doesn’t seem to know what to do with this, but apparently misreading the situation, goes in for the kiss [!]. Nikita stops him.

Nikita: “What are you doing, I am girl, not a guy.”
Johnny: “What!? No way!”
Nikita: “Yes. Check it out.”

She unbuttons her shirt, revealing her very, very obvious boobs. Johnny immediately touches one of them, WITHOUT permission, and goes in for the kiss.

Nikita: “What are you doing, I am girl, not a guy.”
Johnny: “I didn’t say I didn’t like girls.”
Nikita: “You are bisexual?”

And then they fuck. 

Wow. Way to thread that needle. It’s always a little awkward coming out as gay to your bro while simultaneously confronting them with the vicious school rumor that they’re actually a chick who is dressing as a dude, only to be sorta kinda shot down when they reveal their hidden femininity, but you save it at the last second with your heteroflexibility. 

Of course, we did have that all unsubtle plotline about the fact that Nikita is, you know, attracted to women, but I guess that’s been thrown by the wayside now that she has the chance to have a real live penis stuffed inside her. Would’ve been nice to at least acknowledge that. Maybe have her say “I like girls – but I like you too” and we could all bask in this ahead-of-its-time plotline about people being unafraid of society’s labels and just living their best lives. 

Instead, we get pretty generic fucking while terrible repetitive music plays until things end the way they normally do, and – 

Johnny: “You know, to tell you the truth, Sam, I really just like girls.”

SO CLOSE. I guess they argued about it in the writers room and everyone was concerned that the audience might be turned off because they thought Johnny might be, you know, one of them gays, and this was 2000 and all, so they added this at the end to let us know he was just joshing around. 

Way to shit the bed.

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 2:57
• Cunnilingus: 2:01