We open on Monica Sweetheart lying on the bed, surrounded by schoolbooks.
Monica (V.O.): “Sometimes I get so far into studying that I fantasize. History is my favorite subject, and we were studying the Roman era. It’s fascinating. Ever since the movie Gladiator I’ve always fantasized about being with a man who lived by his strength, and died by his strength and courage – and was noble. I think I’d want to be a handmaiden that was given to this mighty warrior so he could be sexually satisfied before his next battle.”
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, nothing makes girls wetter than men killing each other.
Beautiful orchestra music plays as Monica lies back and begins stroking herself through her panties, and suddenly we enter her fantasy with a close-up on a skull, which is yet another skull that has randomly appeared in porn. We dolly over to reveal Herschel Savage (repeat offender), dressed in the finest Roman costume out of the church basement from when they put on the Passion play a few years ago.
He looks Stoic in the way that gladiators probably did the day before they fought to the death, even though that wasn’t actually all that common, and he’s wearing a wedding ring, which seems anachronistic. After a moment Monica enters, all handmaidened-up.
Herschel: “Go away, girl, I must be alone.”
Monica: “Don’t I please you, my lord?”
Herschel: “Tomorrow I must go to the Coliseum and fight for my life. Now I must prepare. Go away, I have to be alone.”
Monica: “I was sent to please you. Am I not desirable for you?”
Herschel: “Desire? I am not a man. I am only…a gladiator.”
Herschel seems to think that this is his Oscar AVN Award moment, and he puts all of his considerable lack of acting talent into this moment. It’s not great.
Also, just saying, but if I was a gladiator and there was a nonzero chance that tomorrow I would meet a very unpleasant death via edged weapons, and a beautiful seductive nymph like Monica Sweetheart rolled in with the express instruction to please me…I feel like I’d take the opportunity, right? Am I taking crazy pills here? Sure, preparation is great and all that, you want to be mentally prepared to kill, but also, I can spare fifteen minutes.
Also, fucking increases testosterone, so I feel like this will only improve his performance.
Monica: “I will be punished if I don’t serve you well.”
Apparently this works, so they start kissing a bit, and we fade back to Monica masturbating on her bed just to really drive home that, you know, this is all happening in her imagination, and then we go back to Handmaiden Monica and Gladiator Herschel. The gladiator spends a not inconsiderable length of time chowing down on her lady parts, which I guess is the filmmaker subtly reminding us that yes, this is a female fantasy.
That’s really about it. They fuck in a variety of positions, periodically cutting back to Monica masturbating on the bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. Eventually Herschel unleashes his emotional pain all over Monica’s face.
Monica [V.O.]: “Oh my god, that was awesome. Now you know why I love history so much. Gladiators are the bomb.”
Kissing: No
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 2:12
- Cunnilingus: 3:38