We open on Demi taking clearly dry towels out of a washer and tossing them into the dryer while she bitches. Also, the washer is white while the dryer is black, which I found infuriating.
Demi: “Sure wish they would come home, tired of this babysitting job, they make me fold their clothes!”
Goddamn that’s some smooth exposition. Demi, however, doesn’t really have time to get into it, because Johnny Thrust (repeat offender) appears from behind to wrap a white rag around her face, presumably chloroforming her into unconsciousness. Plot twist!
We then get a card in some cool, tribalistic font telling us ‘7 days later deep in the amazon jungles of mexico’.
Which, uh..I feel compelled to mention that the Amazon jungle is in GODDAMN SOUTH AMERICA, NOT FUCKING MEXICO! Goddamnit, guys, make a fucking effort.
We fade in on Demi, lying in a jungle set that would be passable for most middle school stage productions, stark naked.
She wonders aloud where she is and where her clothes are, and we cut to a door marked “Investigador Privado” and meet Noa sitting at a desk, looking entirely too sweaty for a porn star that hasn’t even begun fucking.
Noa: “So let me get this straight. You woke up in the jungle. You’re from the United States of America. You woke up in the jungle naked in the Amazon. Am I getting this?”
Demi: “Well it was the 24th I was babysitting for the Joneses just like I always do, I was folding clothes and all of a sudden I don’t remember anything, and I woke up in the jungle naked, not to mention that my butt hurts, I just can’t figure out what happened.”
Noa: “I’m going to need to see your passport.”
Demi: “Passport! Where would I have a place to put a passport? I don’t have a passport, I don’t even know how I got here!”
She’s making some compelling points. Noa thoughtfully retrieves a bottle of tequila from the wall behind him.
Noa: “You’re not getting out of this country without a passport.”
Goddamn bureaucrats.
Demi: “A passport! How am I going to get a passport? Where’s the US Embassy? I don’t know how I’m going to get out. Don’t you have something I can wear?”
Noa says they do have a t-shirt in the village for tourists, and takes it out:
Demi: “I was drugged, kidnapped, fucked in the ass, and left for dead in the Amazon and I got, was this lousy t-shirt!! How could you give that to me, you bastard!”
Got it. So guess the plotline here is that Johnny Thrust’s character kidnapped and anally raped her unconscious body before dumping her in the jungle to die…and now she’s got to fuck this private eye on top of that? What the actual fuck.
Also, there’s a map of Tucson, Arizona on the wall. Not sure why. At first I thought they were going to bluff us out again and reveal it was all a ruse and she was just in some arboretum in her hometown with a couple of psychopaths, but instead, Noa says she’s very pretty and he knows American girls are smart. Hard disagree, but okay. Anyway, if she’ll ‘take care of him’ he can help her get her passport back, blah blah blah, and they fuck. It’s pretty uninspiring, except for the part where he’s eating her out and you can very, very clearly the end of her tampon inside her vagina. No second takes!
Noa pounds each of her orifices in turn, and unfortunately it’s a juicy one, with rather more santorum than most of us would like to see, but when you take the road less traveled eventually you’re bound to roll snake eyes. And, it’s not unknown for pornographers to occasionally need to repeat footage when you didn’t get the coverage you needed, but it’s less so for it to be this painfully transparent. They have the exact same shots repeated multiple times, and then a third time around, with the footage flipped, to make it appear different, but it’s not fooling anyone.
Overall, fucking terrible.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 1:57
- Cunnilingus: 1:42