I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a fan of porn parodies, because they’re usually just Outfit Stuff that quickly loses the outfit, and they’re not terribly clever. It’s a pretty generic way to cash in on the popularity of whatever’s hot and topical, like a paint-by-numbers SNL sketch that repeats a few catchphrases to try to trick the audience into thinking it’s humor. You get the occasional home run with things like Star Wars, but overall, it’s pretty depressing.
Still, my fountain of truly crazy has run low, and as I’m not getting the level of suggestions from Brilliant Readers to maintain the “what the fuck” section, I figured we might as well take a look through a variety of the most popular parodies over the past ten to fifteen years and see what we might learn. And what better place to start than 2014’s “This Ain’t Game of Thrones XXX” with the helpful tagline “This is a parody” and, of course, “Winter Is Cumming”?
We open on dramatic BWAAA music over stock footage of the icy north and snow falling. Ryan Driller (aka Jon Snow) carries in a pile of firewood, while Scarlett Fay, aka Ygritte, hangs out on the bed with her titties out:
Jon: “Winter is coming…winter is here!”
Ygritte: “Come here, Jon. I’ll warm you.”
Jon: “Ygritte, cover yourself! I may have abandoned the Watch, but I still wear the black and adhere to the oath.”
Ygritte: “Do you not love me?”
Jon: “Of course I love you. I just cannot…love you. You know that.”
Ygritte: “Jon, how are we ever supposed to be together? Every night I lay next you I find a hard time not touching you.”
Jon: “I have a hard time as well. Very hard.”
Okay.
Ygritte tells him that’s not healthy, and his balls will fall off. Jon protests that he took an oath.
Jon: “I swore to hold no lands, to take no wife, and to father no children.”
Ygritte: “I have no lands to give, and I understand we cannot marry, but we can still fuck.”
Ygritte puts his hands on her tits and they start passionately making out. And…yeah, I’m underwhelmed. That’s just bad writing. Jon swore to father no children, and she just skipped right over it. How about “You can’t get pregnant if you stick it in my ass” or
Ygritte: “Are you familiar with the pull-out method?”
Jon: “The what?”
Ygritte: (sighing) “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
This is not hard. Instead, we get…pretty generic, boring sex, which is doubly frustrating because the actual scene from the books and the show is pretty juicy. Like the fact that Jon’s a virgin and Ygritte isn’t, or the fact that Jon eats her out and Ygritte hasn’t experienced that before because the Wildlings are selfish lovers. You have all the qualities here for a very spicy porn scene where Jon’s the awkward virgin filled with guilt for violating his oath and Ygritte’s the Wilding taking control…and any Game of Thrones fan who bought this DVD would, in fact, want to masturbate to that exact type of scene, but instead…we have a generic sex scene on a bearskin rug with a low-hanging candelabra that Ygritte keeps bumping her head on until things end as they normally do.
In the next scene, Richie Calhoun, aka Jaime Lannister, is sitting with dirt and fake blood all over his face while Amanda Tate, aka Brienne of Tarth, is fucking around with the fake fire.
Brienne: “Fire bad.”
Jaime: “Well it seems I have been captured by a retard. But are you a woman? No woman could wield a sword this large.”
Jaime picks up Brienne’s sword that is just sitting there, because even though he’s been ‘captured’ it’s not like he’s tied up or anything. Production quality!
Brienne: “Brienne woman. Jaime man.”
Jaime: “Yes, Jaime man.”
Brienne: “Cock.”
Jaime: “Will you lay with me?”
Brienne: “Brienne…wants…cock.”
And then they fuck. Wow. They…really shit the bed here. So Brienne has some sort of developmental disability, they drop in an ‘r’ slur, which isn’t period – Jaime would probably call her a halfwit, or slow – and then proceed straight to fucking.
I do appreciate that Brienne is supposed to be a simple barbarian and she has her pubic hair shaved into a precise, neat triangle. That’s the attention to detail that got this flick a single AVN nomination! I don’t appreciate that once again in an Outfit Stuff flick they violate the Second Commandment and strip off all their clothes (except for boots, similar to Ygritte, which probably pissed off the foot fetishists).
After that debacle, we get a glimpse of a castle, and get inside a reasonably low-quality castle set, the type of slapped-together ramshackle affair traditionally associated with porn. Alec Knight, aka Lord Varys, is hanging out, and the doors open and Brandi Love, aka Queen Cersei, sweeps in, all pissed off.
Varys: “My queen. To what do I owe the honor of this visit?”
Cersei: “My husband is thankfully dead. My brother, captured by some sort of mute half-man half-woman-beast. And my son. My son needs to be kicked in the balls at least a dozen times.”
Varys: “Well, surely it can’t be as bad as all that.”
Cersei: “Now the people are uprising because Stark is dead and Arya, that little asexual cunt, is missing. And of course there’s that dragon bitch in Qarth. Dragons? Really?”
Varys: “Well, dragons are the in thing these days.”
Cersei: “And I can’t remember half the characters because all their names sound the same. And we keep hearing ‘winter is coming’! Can these people say anything else, ever?”
Varys: “My house’s motto is ‘for the love of cock’.”
Cersei: “And my midget brother just married Sansa Stark. Sansa! Even I can’t stand her. And now she’s part of the family? Can you imagine all those Christmas dinners? What were we thinking?”
Varys: “What the fuck is Christmas?”
Cersei: “Varys, I need to get fucked.”
Varys: “Well, why didn’t you say so?”
Turns out Varys (as well as the queen) are freeballing and going clamando. Cersei is surprised because, you know, Varys is supposed to be a eunuch. Varys says that if he didn’t keep his dick a secret, he’d never get any work done. And then…they fuck.
Yeah. This is bad. Not the fucking, it’s passable, but what’s with this writing? Are those supposed to be jokes? The only thing that approaches funny is her complaining that Joffrey needs to be kicked in the balls. This is just a list of references to the show. And you could WRITE JOKES. It’s not that fucking hard. Here, let me give it a shot:
Varys: “My queen, what do I owe – ”
Cersei: “My husband is dead. That pig.”
Varys: “The king, or the – ”
Cersei: “My beloved brother has been captured by some barbarian wench.”
Varys: “Well, I’m sure as long as he keeps a sword in his right hand, he’ll survive – ”
Cersei: “My son Joffrey needs to be kicked in his balls a dozen times.”
Varys: “I miss my balls.”
Cersei: “Now the common people are all losing their heads because Stark is dead and Arya, that little asexual cunt, is missing – ”
Varys: “I think she’s a cross-dresser, not ace.”
Cersei: “And of course there’s that dragon bitch in Qarth.”
Varys: “My lady, she’ll probably stay there for several more seasons.”
Cersei: “If I hear someone say ‘winter is coming’ again I’m going to scream.”
Varys: “My queen, in Robb Stark’s case, winter coming may prove to our advantage.”
Cersei: “And my dwarf brother just married Sansa Stark! If I have to spend every holiday listening to her talk about lemon cakes, I’ll call for Ser Illyn myself!”
Varys: “I’m sure she’ll soon be with child, you know how Tyrion is – ”
Cersei: “Varys. My brother has been away from court for three weeks. As the Master of Whisperers, you know what that means: I need to get fucked.”
At that point, if the filmmakers were brave, Varys would drop trou and we’d see he’s just a Ken doll down there, like Alan Rickman in Dogma:
Cersei would express amazement, Varys would pull out a strap-on, and we’d get a very weird sex scene. Or, you know, this is porn we’re talking about, maybe you could just give is some fucking incest in the goddamn Game of Thrones porn parody. Lancel remains an option! I can’t think of anyone who was a Game of Thrones fan who would buy this DVD hoping that the fat eunuch would fuck the bitchy queen.
Cersei and Varys fuck, Cersei has several tattoos, which I find funny, and fake tits, which I find funnier, but outside of that it’s not terribly interesting. Eventually and mercifully things end and we move on to Spencer Scott, aka Daenerys Targaryan, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, the Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, and Breaker of Chains, having her hair braided by Kirsten Price, her handmaiden Doreah.
They chat about Doreah’s past life before she was owned by Daenerys. Doreah explains that she was a pleasure slave.
Daenerys: “And who did you pleasure?”
Doreah: “Whoever I was told to. Except for the horses. Never the horses.”
Whoa! Solid bestiality reference and the first joke that made me audibly laugh. We’re only 78 minutes in!
They chat a bit about Khal Drogo, who’s dead, and we get another banger of a line:
Daenerys: “Is it normal for a man to feed you carrots during sex, and tell you how glossy your coat is?”
Doreah is appropriately horrified so they start making out, and lesbian sex ensues. It’s fine, although they violate the spirit of the Second Commandment.
In our final scene, we get a quick establishing shot of a castle, then cut indoors to Evan Stone, aka Tyrion Lannister, waddling along with Marie McCray, aka Sansa Stark, trailing behind him.
To make Evan Stone (repeat offender) look like a dwarf they’ve cut up a pair of boots and sort’ve glued them onto his knees, and Evan is just shuffling around walking on his knees. It’s bizarre and probably at least a little offensive, but hey, if it worked for Gary Oldman in Tiptoes, I can’t fault porn for doing the same thing.
Tyrion pours some wine.
Sansa: “What do you wish of me?”
Tyrion: “I wish…you to be not such a whining, mewling bitch. I wish you had not placed us in this arrangement through your stupidity. It’s time for you to ride…the Shetland Pony.”
Sansa gives him a look.
Tyrion: “What? I thought all girls liked to ride the Shetland Pony.”
He smacks her ass and Sansa shrieks a bit and jumps on the bed. We have a lengthy scene where Evan Stone chews scenery and tries to climb on the bed. He then exposits about how he’s everyone’s favorite character but Sansa should’ve been killed off in the first book.
Tyrion: “Take off your clothes and show me the one thing that you do well – show me the one thing you do well…or one morning I’ll have you sandwiched between Littlefinger and Tywin.”
That is…fucked up. Sansa strips off all her clothes (except her necklace and her shoes, goddamnit) and…they fuck. It’s fine, despite the deeply unsettling and inaccurate storyline. Marie McCray is probably the best actor in this film. I’m not sure why they cast a firecrotch as Sansa Stark but had her fully waxed for her scene, but I also don’t know why they shit the bed with this scene.
As they fuck, Evan keeps accidentally kicking the bedside table, and I was mesmerized watching the sharp Hand of the King pin and the equally sharp knife bounce around, waiting for it to fly off and cut one of Evan’s tendons, but it never happens.
And that’s about it. And again: deeply disappointing. Just to be clear, Sansa’s a terrified virgin on her wedding night, and loathes Tyrion Lannister, and in the books and show, Tyrion does the right thing and tells her that if she doesn’t want to fuck him he won’t make her and that’ll be that, exit pursued by a bear to go fuck a whore. And here…he orders her to strip down and fuck him, or he’ll have her raped by Littlefinger and Tywin Lannister.
That’s deeply fucked up, even by porn’s ridiculous standards.
Overall: not great. Jon and Ygritte is wasted potential and pretty boring, Brienne and Jaime is deeply offensive and pretty boring, Cersei and Varys is wasted potential and just kind of strange, Daenerys and Doreah has the only two good lines in the flick, but violates the Second Commandment, and Tyrion and Sansa is FUBAR.