We open on Haley Spades and Jazmin Luv hanging out on the bed, just two girl pals paling around, and Haley opens up a project-sized posterboard and reads the title, which is “Dicks I’ve Fucked Ranked In Size”.
Zero seconds in and I am ON BOARD. That’s how to open up a goddamn porno.
Jazmin points to the 4 ½ incher.
Jazmin: “This one is kind of embarrassing, though.”
Haley: “I don’t want to talk about that.”
We get a quick shot of Juan El Caballo Loco coming to the bedroom to intrude.
Juan: “What are you guys working on?”
Haley: “What percentage is 9 of 45?”
Juan: “I dunno, like 20%? What is this for, anyway?”.
Haley: “Well, it’s a project for school, I’m ranking all the sized dicks of the guys I’ve fucked.”
Juan: “Is that even appropriate for school?”
Jazmin: “Yeah, it’s like real life. Why would her teacher want her to make up fake shit?”
I’ll be honest – and maybe Haley’s high school differs from mine – I’m guessing her teacher would prefer Haley to make up fake shit than come in with a giant dick-ranking posterboard. Also, props to Juan for knowing basic math.
Juan: “Why aren’t you showing any love for the 6 ½ and 7 inches?”
Haley: “Well, because I’ve only ever had smaller or HUGE.”
This would be the perfect time for a “That’s because you only date Asians and black men” joke, but the filmmakers missed it entirely. Also: you’re seriously telling me that Haley has never experienced a slightly-above-average sized dick? According to this chart, Haley has fucked FORTY-FIVE different dudes. Which, time out, I don’t like to shame anyone for having a high body count, but that does seem like a lot for someone who is still in high school.
Also, according to the chart, Haley has fucked 7 dudes who were 5.5 inches or less, so she’s already had an average dick, since most dicks are 5.1 to 5.5 inches long, which she’d know if she’d done any goddamn research for her school project. Her remaining 38 dicks were all between 7.5 and 9.5 inches. Jesus fucking Christ, is she getting gangbanged by the football team?
And how exactly does Haley have all this data? Does she just stop every hookup once the dude is hard and bust out a measuring tape and a notepad?
On the side of the posterboard it says “Why is 6-7 inch Dicks the Best?” I think that should be why ARE they the best, but Haley might not be great at grammar. Beneath it, there are pros and cons. The pros are that it doesn’t hurt, can sit on it easier, can hit all g-spots (more than one?) and it fits in her mouth. The cons are that they’re hard to find and there’s not enough dicks this size. Which seems odd, considering Haley has managed to fuck NINE different dudes with nine-inch penises, which is almost impossible unless you’re a porn star.
But more importantly: According to the chart, Haley’s never even had a 6-7 inch dick. How does she know it’s the best if she’s never even had one! This science project is full of holes and is definitely not going to pass peer review. It’s got C- grade written all over it.
Juan: “But…aren’t most guys like 6 ½, 7 inches?”
No! 5.1 to 5.5! Look it up, you have Google!
Haley: “What, is that like, your size, or something?”
Juan: “…maybe. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Jazmin: “I mean…I’ll measure it for you.”
Juan: “What? No way!”
Juan exits as the girls giggle together.
Jazmin says that Haley’s brother is ‘so uptight’ and she just wanted to measure his dick. Yeah. What a douche. Can’t believe he’s getting all weird about letting his stepsister’s friend measure his penis.
Haley and Jazmin talk about how they want to figure out what Juan’s packing. Jazmin says Haley could go in, act all nice, mimes giving a blowjob, but then says she’s just joking.
We then dissolve to the next scene with Haley and Juan sitting on the bed.
Haley: “I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I must have made you really uncomfortable.”
Juan: “That’s okay. Thanks for that, anyways.”
Haley: “Look. I don’t care how big your dick is. You’re my stepbrother, and I love your dick just the way it is.”
WHOA! I mean, it’s nice that Haley is apologizing for making Juan uncomfortable, but now she’s talking about loving his dick. Don’t do that, even if it is your stepbrother!
Haley gives him a hug, and we get a quick shot of Jasmine, who is now peering in from outside the room.
Haley: “You’re a beautiful person, and I think we should get naked together to celebrate our bodies.”
Juan: “Whoa, what?”
Haley starts touching his crotch.
Juan: “Why are you doing this?”
Haley: “This is how we get comfortable with each other.”
Juan protests that he might get hard, but Haley says that’s fine, so she pulls out his dick, and sure enough, it’s rock-hard. Haley says she loves it, and yada yada yada, his dick is in her mouth.
Jasmin comes in and is horrified:
Jazmin: “Wait! I was just joking about sucking his dick!”
Haley: “Well, I wanted to see if it would fit in my mouth!”
Jazmin: “But…that’s your brother!”
Haley: “He’s my stepbrother – and that makes it even more hot.”
Haley takes off her shorts because she wants to see if it’ll fit in her pussy as well, and Jazmin, who is still kinda disgusted by this fauxcest, but not disgusted enough to leave, sits down beside them on the bed, like she’s waiting to ask to jump hump for them, or maybe even to be tagged in.
Haley and Juan summit Fuck Mountain while Jazmin hangs around. Haley mentions that it’s her “first seven incher” despite the fact that she never even measured it. Then again, she’s already had 45 dicks, I guess at this point Haley can size up a penis just by sight.
Jazmin: “I kinda want to suck your girl goo off his dick now.”
Let’s not make ‘girl goo’ a phrase I have to hear in porn, please. It’s bad enough when they ask them how their ass tastes.
Haley and Jazmin slurp on his dick for a bit and we even get a synaloepha, which I enjoy.
That’s about it. They have a nice incestual threesome until things end the way they usually do. And then there’s a noise in the background!
Juan: “Oh, shit! My dad’s home!”
Haley: “And I have cum all over me!”
Jazmin, of course, thinks this is hilarious, and bursts out laughing.
Kissing: No