We’ve discussed the subtle art of funeral-themed pornography before, and since then I’ve been on the lookout for any more gems, and recently stumbled upon this one. We open, as we always should, with a title card:

This one comes to us from Mature Kink 6, with Cheryl Desilva (repeat offender) and Rod Fontana (repeat offender) sitting across a table in what is clearly not an office, just a living room. 

Rod: “I know it’s tough, especially at this particular time. You’re in great need right now and I understand that. But, as you must understand, funerals cost money.”
Cheryl: “Look, I just want to give him a decent funeral, okay? He was a good man.”
Rod: “I know you do, I’m sure he was.”

Rod places a comforting hand on Cheryl. Don’t touch people without their permission, dude. 

Cheryl: “How much is it going to cost me to give him a funeral, just a nice headstone, nothing fancy.”
Rod: “Well, one of our economy packages runs for $6,000, that’s for a nice coffin – ”
Cheryl: “Look, I called you guys because you said you had discounted rates.”
Rod: “Yes, that’s the – ”
Cheryl: “$6,000, I don’t have $6,000 dollars.”
Rod: “How much do you have?”
Cheryl: “He left me with a bunch of bills, and maybe $2,500.”

Funerals are a scam and a waste of money, burials are pointless, and there’s no point to headstones. We’ve got to move past this as a society. That being said, I feel for Cheryl. Your husband dies and leaves you with bills? What an asshole. 

Rod: “For $2,500 about all we can guarantee is a disposable container.” 
Cheryl: “Disposable? What does that mean?”
Rod: “In layman’s terms, a cardboard box. I’m sorry, madam – ”
Cheryl: “I don’t think you are!”
Rod: “I’m very sorry, this is my business to be sorry. And I’m sorry.”

Technically, I think it’s your business to be professional, and also, it’s got to be against the law to just bury someone in a cardboard box. Unless you’re going with the mulching system to use your remains to grow a tree or something.

Cheryl: “Well, what am I going to do?” 
Rod: “You have $2,500 you can convert to cash, right?”

Rod gets up to walk around the room in deep thought. I’m fucking loving the space work here. In response, Cheryl takes his hand and thrusts his fingers into her mouth. Not a seductive sucking on a finger, all four fingers, and all the way back. The type of finger-slurping that screams “I don’t have a gag reflex.”

Rod: “Oh my goodness!”
Cheryl: “Can’t we work something out?” 
Rod: “Oh, I think I get the idea. You bet, oh, you bet.”

Rod pulls out his rod and Cheryl starts blowing him. After a minute or two she stops and looks up, all seductive.

Cheryl: “I really really need a headstone, sir.” 
Rod: “Really? Well, here’s a rock, and there’s your head.”
Cheryl: “Now if I do this and you don’t give me the headstone, I’ll chisel my name in your rock.”

Jesus! I…assume by ‘rock’ they mean his penis? Rock hard or something? But chiseling your name into a man’s dick is a great threat. 

Rod: “Well, I understand, I just don’t think a blowjob is worth $2,500. I mean, you’re good – oh! You’re very good, but…$2,500, that’s like, oh, oh man.”

Things progress, and he sucks on her toes for a bit, which I think is just a Rod Fontana thing. There’s a small part of me that hates myself that I both recognize Rod Fontana and remember that he slurps on toes way more than any pornstar not in a foot fetish scene would. He’s like the Quentin Tarantino of the porn industry. He just always needs some foot action.

That’s about it. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. 

Rod: “Okay, uh, $2,500, I’ll still need another  – ”
Cheryl: “How about I come back tomorrow?”
Rod: “Okay!”

Overall? Not bad. When it started I was a little concerned that we’d be in our standard “blackmail a woman in dire financial straits into sex” which feels a little skeezy when it’s a widow trying to afford a funeral for her husband, but instead Cheryl had all the agency and even threated to carve her name into his dick if he fucked her over. For Jim Powers (because of course this is one of his), that’s downright progressive.

Kissing: Yes.

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 4:39
• Cunnilingus: 1:47