Over the past few years there’s been a noticeable increase in the term ‘free use’ online, particularly in the magical world of pornography, which is born out by Google trends:
But what the fuck is it? For that, we can turn to the r/freeuse subreddit, which provides some helpful context:
“In a free use world, women are to some extent available for men to use sexually (or the other way around). Though the context can vary wildly from porn to porn, in free use smut any man can walk up to a woman and do whatever he likes to her. A common standard in this fantasy involves women ignoring how they’re used and/or society as a whole treating it very casually, but this isn’t always the case.”
Free use is, of course, a BDSM thing that exists in real life. If you’re in that type of Special Relationship, imagine you’re doing something tedious like the dishes, splish splash, and then out of nowhere your boy toy walks up behind you and shoves his dick into you! Hooray!
It’s not really my thing, but we don’t kink-shame here at Stupid Porn Plots, we explore them. So today we’ll be looking at Freeuse News, from the studio freeusemilf.com, which has put out 115 flicks over the past three years, so it’s definitely popular.
We open on Lilian Stone and Calvin Hardy sitting at a standard news-anchor desk. They greet each other and Lilian comments on Calvin’s daughter’s upcoming birthday, which is very sweet. And then they get right into the news, with something about the California governor banning protests around schools due to some students going topless in protest.
Calvin: “Personally I think we should allow everyone to protest as they decide – desire to, based on how our Founding Fathers intended us to.”
Lilian: “Later today we’ll have one of those students joining us for an interview.”
In the next shot, Calvin gets up, pulls out Lilian’s titties, and massages them while explaining about how due to inflation, millions of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. He then sticks a finger in her mouth (?) and she gargles through the next headline while staring directly at the camera and completely ignoring what he’s doing. This is…weird.
Calvin takes his dick out and pops Lilian’s mouth on it, and she blows him as he poorly improvises on his next few lines about protesting and making their voices heard. It’s a bunch of meaningless word salad. Calvin switches over to football and says that the ‘top handicappers’ are ‘betting the underdogs’ this year. No, that doesn’t make any sense, that’s not how gambling works. Also, he’s not naming any teams! Who are the underdogs?
They take a quick commercial break for PervTherapy, another porn channel owned by TeamSkeet, and when they return they have special guest Athena Heart in studio sitting between them to talk about the topless protest:
Athena: “Well, our school kinda decided to cut funds on our drama club, cheerleading team, glee club, which is a very minor part of the school, but, we do bring in most of the funds for most of the school.”
That is absolutely categorically not true.
Calvin: “And where are those funds allocated from?”
Athena: “I mean, I think they got taken to the football team, like, which seems a little biased to me.”
Calvin: “Bias. Um…can we talk about some of the post testing that’s been going on, what your actual mission is?”
Athena: “I mean, I wanted to make a protest in the way we were seen, and traditionally I feel like protesting topless made it pretty easy for people to pay attention to what we say.”
Calvin leads Lilian around to the front of the desk and she blows him while Athena talks about being a feminist and that it’s unfair that the principal targeted female-majority school programs for budget cuts and funnelled the money to the football team. Sure. That’s a bunch of bullshit.
Athena: “We tried a little bit at first to do a peaceful kind of protest, but, it wasn’t working, and the second we freed those titties they wanted to listen.”
Okay, the dialogue here is largely terrible, but that line is gold.
They ramble about softball for a couple minutes, and we get a commercial for the Shoplyfter channel, and come back to Calvin railing Lilian who is eating out Athena. Calvin asks Athena a number of fairly nonsensical questions, they improvise poorly, and there’s another commercial for MILF.com. When we return, Athena and Lilian have swapped places.
They improvise. It’s astonishingly bad. And it’s not about anything, they’re just taking the same basic talking points about the protest and what people might find offensive and rearranging sentences to say the same thing over again in grammatically incorrect ways.
After another commercial break they start just straight-up fucking and Athena turns on her moans, which…is nice? It’s weird watching porn stars fuck while only talking in deadpan even tones about nonsense. I’m guessing that plenty of people like it, though. I wonder if they hate this section?
That’s about it in terms of the plot – or what pretends to be a plot. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. We do achieve a synaloepha, which I always appreciate.
Overall? As mentioned, not really my thing. I thought it was a very creative way to pack in about eight different commercials for their own news channels. While the improvisation was not good, it’s insanely hard to be good at improv, and I imagine it’s even harder when you’re being fucked.
Kissing: Yes