We open on Kristina Black dressed as a cheerleader, perched on the kitchen countertop, demonstrating her oral fixation with a pen as she writes in her diary:

Kristina (V.O.): “Dear diary, in drama class today Mr. Cohle looked right at me as he read a chapter of Shakespeare. It made me quiver for I knew that deep in his heart he was speaking directly to me. I felt slightly guilty for what we had done the previous week. I couldn’t bring myself to write about the events of that day…the day I’d forced myself on my gay drama teacher.”

Whoa! We’ve certainly explored the concept of lesbians trying out dicks here on SPP, but a cheerleader fucking a gay drama teacher straight? That’s a new one. 

Also, you shouldn’t force yourself on your gay drama teacher. Consent is important, kids. 

Kristina explains via voice-over that it happened right here in the kitchen, apparently she’d lured Mr. Cohle over with the pretense of working on her “body movement”. Now, maybe this is just me, but I really, really think that teachers need to stop coming over to their student’s houses, whether they’re baking a cake or working on their cheers. 

Kristina (V.O.): “Everybody in class always assumed he was gay. After all, it was a drama class! Besides, all my friends at college are gay. But nobody ever saw his boyfriend. Well, he was a teacher, and I suppose he had to keep his image up. I wondered if he’d ever been with a woman. Had he been hurt in the past? What drove him to men? It became my mission to seduce this man.”

Lot to unpack there. Now, I’ve been to college (I even graduated) and while not all of my friends were gay, I can confirm that I never saw a single professor’s significant other the entire time I was there, because professor’s spouses aren’t hanging around the fucking campus. Also, what drove him to men? Is it not enough to just be attracted to dudes? I mean, sure, this film came out in 2001, but I think we knew what homosexuality was by then. 

We cut forward to Joel Lawrence (repeat offender) entering, and he immediately comments on the curtains, which definitely confirms it, he’s gay. Joel asks her about her ‘body movement’ problem, and in response, she thrusts her body against him.

Joel: “You’re a student, we shouldn’t do this.”
Kristina: “Don’t you find me attractive?”

Not at all what his objection was, Kristina, pay better attention in class. 

Kristina: “Tell me the truth, Mr. Cohle, do you not like women, or is it just me?”
Joel: “Well, I don’t know that my sexual preferences are something that we should discuss. It’s kind of a personal issue.”

Kristina mutters something but you can’t hear it over the obnoxiously loud music so she goes in for the kiss and they begin passionately making out. She blows him for a bit and he is fully erect, for what it’s worth.

Kristina: “Now it’s your turn, Mr. Cohle.”
Joel: “To do what?”
Kristina: “You’re gonna learn how to munch a box.”

Kristina hops up on the counter-top and pulls out the kitty.

Joel: “But I never…”

Kristina solves that problem with a couple wordless gestures and Joel dives in.

He eats her out for a very, very short amount of time before sticking his dick in. See, he has being straight down already. That’s about it. They do accidentally knock some pans off the counter as they fuck, which I found amusing. Eventually things end the way they normally do.

Joel: “I think I’m a changed man.” 

Kissing: Yes.

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 3:39
• Cunnilingus: 0:45