Oh, Pirates.
At the time of its release in 2005, it was reportedly the most expensive pornographic film ever made with a budget of over $1 million. The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise was about to hit its zenith, Twitter, if it had existed then, would have been going crazy, everyone was talking about it, becauseeveryone wanted to watch a good fuck flick about smelly, unwashed sailors trapped on boats where they couldn’t bathe.
After some opening credits, which I appreciate, we get a quick CGI shot of the ship, which is…not solid, but grading on a porno scale it’s fine.
We cut inside the ship, where young lovers Carmen Luvano and Kris Slater are hanging out. This is a real porno, so characters actually have character names, but there’s way too many characters and I’m absolutely not going to deal with that.
They chat. Kris is talking about how happy and wonderful everything is, so file that one under “ominous foreshadowing”. And props where it’s due: the costuming and set decoration on this are pretty good. Carmen, changing behind a screen, is nervous because she’s heard the Caribbean is full of murderous pirates. Kris says he’ll never let anything bad happen to her.
Kris talks about how he can’t wait to see her body – even though they’re married. (We’ll learn later they JUST got married and are honeymooning on this ship). Still, you’d think you’d get in a quick land fuck before hopping aboard. No one wants to lose their virginity while being seasick.
They smooch a bit, climb on the bed, and start summiting Fuck Mainmast. Wait, why was Carmen getting dressed right before they fucked? Also, this is the 1600s, where did they get condoms?
After, there’s another establishing shot signalling the arrival of another ship – a pirate vessel, with Tommy Gunn as Stagnetti – maybe I’ll use his name – sporting a magnificent fake beard and an impressive amount of eyeliner. He exposits with his mate Janine that they’ve been waiting ‘260’ years for this, whatever ‘this’ is.
Kris talks to the extremely sweaty captain a bit, establishing they should reach the Caribbean in the next day or so.
The pirates stealthily board the ship and start murdering the fuck out of the crew. They’ve even managed to cast a double amputee who looks fucking great for being mostly a torso:
The pirates round up the crew and passengers and haul them up on deck while the technically-not-legally-actionable Pirates of the Caribbean knockoff theme plays.
Stagnetti: “Ahoy, me hearties, my name is Captain Victor Stagnetti. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience us pirates may have caused you, but, being that we are pirates, sadly, this is our way. Usually this sort of incursion ends with individuals such as yourselves decapitated with your heads floating in the sea for sharks to devour, however, this sort of pirate delight does not have to occur, if I’m given what I desire.”
The Sweaty Captain: “And what is it you desire, Captain?”
Stagnetti: “I was getting to that. I hate when I’m interrupted, don’t you?”
The Crew: “Aye!”
Stagnetti: “Now, I’ve been searching for a man for a very, very long time, and my search is going to end right here and now. Will a man with the name [Kris Slater] step forward to reveal himself?”
At first nobody says anything, so Stagnetti throws Carmen overboard, right before Kris reveals himself too late to save her. Solid timing.
Kris begs to be allowed to save his blushing bride, but instead they knock him out, go back to the pirate ship (the Devil’s Rose) where they immediately sink the ship in a very, very unconvincing CGI shot.
Next, aboard another (actual) ship the filmmakers managed to con their way into briefly using without revealing they were making a porno, Evan Stone is chewing the scenery while narrating in V.O. I’m pretty confident several of these actors were just killed on the other ship, wearing precisely the same costumes.
Evan: “Somehow my first mate [Jesse Jane] has managed to keep their spirits high. Not sure how she does it, I haven’t the slightest idea.”
Evan speculates that Jesse may be leading the men in Bible study, and we get a few shots of men yelling “Oh my god!” through the thin ship walls while Evan smiles. Fair enough: that’s a solid joke.
Jesse and Scott Nails have adequate sex for an acceptable duration. Once things have concluded as God intended, we visit Evan and Jesse and Frank Bukkwyd. Frank’s been in an awe-inspiring 151 porn films, every one of them in a non-sex role. He’s there for the character work in fuck flicks, and I believe I speak for everyone here at Stupid Porn Plots: we salute him.
Anyway, the cannons suck because their gunpowder sucks and they’re out of potassium nitrate, they’re running low on food, but they’re out here to hunt pirates, and Evan is confident they’ll find one soon.
Evan and Jesse chat and after an inspirational speech, Evan has a complete breakdown because he’s a terrible captain and the crew all hates him. We learn this is his first time in command, and also, his first time ever on a boat. Jesse isn’t worried though, since she and Evan’s have dreamed of fighting pirates since they were kids.
Ah. Ahahah. Ahhahahahahah.
They’re fucked.
They go up top and spot Carmen floating in the drink on a bit of driftwood. They get her aboard and question her, and after finding out her ship was attacked by pirates, Evan is delighted…
…until Carmen reveals that it was Stagnetti who attacked them. It seems that Stagnetti may, in fact, be bad news. On deck, Evan and Jesse argue a bit about going after Stagnetti. Evan’s a giant pussy, but Jesse flatters him until he agrees.
They set sail for the subtly-named and poorly CGI’d Sword Scabbard Island, which they plan to search. For…pirates?
Cut to the interior of a tavern. Janine from Stagnetti’s crew comes in and announces she’s searching for an Incan Indian. A pirate in the corner pulls a blade on her, so she cuts his throat, and then Steven St. Croix says he knows where he is. We get a collection of quick shots of the island, which is clearly Tortuga-light, with more tits, worse costumes, and the same actors in very similar outfits repurposed from previous scenes.
A couple street wenches (Devon and Teagan Presley, respectively) pick up Evan on the screen. Then Jesse goes into the bar to meet with Steven St. Croix. They argue a bit, because they have the tortured past of skull-crossed lovers.
The pirates capture a local priest who may know the location of this Incan Indian. And with that, we’re back to Evan and his pirate threesome. While Teagan fetches a couple of fetching captain’s hats for the girls, Devon gets Evan in the mood:
Devon: “Now, Captain [Evan], close your eyes, and imagine that this bed is your warship. You’re floating on an open sea of treachery. It is night, and you are sleeping.”
Evan: “A pirate hunter’s eyes are always open, always awake, always vigilant. Ready to do battle at a moment’s notice.”
Devon: “Details. It’s always details with these men.”
That made me laugh out loud.
They fuck, and despite the ladies violating the Second Commandment by removing the sexy pirate costumers, at least they leave the tri-cornerd hats on throughout, which helps. Eventually Evan releases his self-loathing all over them, and we cut over to Jesse and Steven fucking in the corner of the pirate bar, on top of a thoroughly modern Turkish rug, way to break the magic, filmmakers.
Also, everyone can apparently hear and see them.
After, they have some post-coital pillow talk and Steven reveals that Janine was here earlier asking about an Incan Indian. Then they kiss.
Steven: “Cheers, I love you.”
Jesse: “What?”
Steven: “I love you.”
Jesse: “Okay.”
This, naturally, leads to a fight, which leads to Steven breaking down in hysterics while Jesse storms out of the bar, still partially nude, leaving Steven crying in the fetal position atop the anachronistic Turkish rug:
This is…pretty solid, actually.
Post-coital, Evan learns Stagnetti is here in town. We cut to the pirates torturing the priest inside the church. He won’t talk, so they stab him to death. Another priest says he’ll help them. We get a dramatic shot of a single tear rolling down Janine’s cheek, so evidently she doesn’t approve of murdering priests.
In the next scene, the pirates have Kris tied to an altar because, much like the original Pirates of the Caribbean, they need his blood to lift some kind of curse or something? It is super not clear, but this porno is not well-written. The priest warns them of bad consequences if Kris isn’t the real descendent. Stagnetti tells him to proceed, so they shank Kris, and immediately bad CGI ghosts appear, like a porno knockoff of the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
The pirates see some random images, and the visions fade. Kris is still alive. Also, we see Jesse is watching, dressed as a priest. They run out, but Jesse and Evan are captured by Steven and his friend.
We then get a scene where Carmen is kidnapped and tied to a chair by a bunch of pirates and sexually assaulted by Jenaveve Jolie. It’s unpleasant, so let’s skip past it. In the next scene, Evan and Jesse are tied to a pillar in a house Steven sets on fire. Austyn Moore comes in and says she’ll free them…if Evan will fuck her. Evan reluctantly agrees, so Austyn frees him, and instead of immediately releasing Jesse and running outside the burning building, like a fucking reasonable person, Evan and Austyn fuck. It’s like most fuck scenes set inside a burning building: more dramatic than it needs to be. In real life, you rarely need to achieve climax before exiting a burning building, so the stakes don’t really make any sense.
Once the Evan / Austyn scene concludes, we go back to the bar where Carmen was being assaulted by Jenaveve (but naturally, it switched mid-scene to being like, totally consensual sex).
Pirate: “We’re sorry we grabbed you like that, but our other dancers didn’t show up. How can we pay you for your services?”
Carmen: “Well, I could use some potassium nitrate.”
Boom, full circle, this is how they get those cannons working! Airtight plot. But also: the pirate is apologizing for abducting these characters and forcing them to fuck at gunpoint, and his excuse is that their dancers didn’t show up?
Jesus tittyfucking Christ.
Captain Evan’s ship heads off to the pirate island. Meanwhile, Janine is mad that Stagnetti has been doubting her, so she pulls a knife on him, and then has a solution. She drops trou.
Janine: “Lick it!”
Stagnetti: “And if I don’t?”
Janine: “Then I will slit your throat and celebrate my new position as captain of the Devil’s Rose by drinking your blood! Now lick it!”
Stagnetti: “That’s my girl.”
And they fuck. It’s…whatever. Like every scene, I admire Janine’s bikini wax, shaved legs and pits, and impeccable smokey eyeliner. Outside of that, not all that interesting.
Back in the non-pirate scene, Jesse and Carmen chat about Carmen’s first sexual experience with another woman, which, shockingly, leads to them hooking up, where they immediately violate the Second Commandment and then start smacking the shit out of each other [?].
The heroes pursue the pirates to an island and land.
Evan: “[Bukkwyd], you’ve got to remain with the boat. Now listen: you’ve got to remain absolutely quiet, but don’t make any noise.”
I’m not sure if that’s a subtle joke or Evan mangling his line. Works either way, I guess.
They travel through the island until they arrive at what might be a CGI Incan cave entrance and head inside. The pirates have already arrived, and haul Kris inside to a very scientifically implausible cave.
Apparently, only a true blood descendent of whoever the fuck can take the sceptre from the statue and that’s why they’ve brought Kris. Not sure why they tried to kill him previously, let’s go with poor writing. The heroes appear and Evan grabs Janine and puts a sword to her throat. Stagnetti, displaying fairly realistic pirate values, doesn’t give a fuck and bails. There’s some CGI explosions and CGI skeletons appear, so they all have to fight the CGI skeletons. The less said about that, the better.
They take off and sprint back to the shore and leap aboard the boat, pursued by terribly, terribly animated CGI skeletons. Stagnetti has also made it aboard his ship, so the two very CGI ship prepare to fire pixels at each other. We get a series of Microsoft Paint explosions. But at the last minute Woo the Chinese guy has managed to fix the cannons with the potassium nitrate they got from the gangrape pirates and they blow Stagnetti’s pirates to blithereens.
Carmen and Kris catch up after. Carmen confesses to sleeping with a couple woman and Kris is – shocker – totally okay with that, as long as he gets to watch and/or join in next time. They have passionate newlywed sex. The next day, Kris and Carmen thank Captain Evan Stone for everything that he’s done, and we get some dramatic porn music.
Cut to the hold where Jesse and the recently jilted Janine are commiserating. Janine’s mad that Stagnetti was a cunt, and Jesse says it doesn’t really matter, because now she gets to hunt pirates…and then they fuck. Very aggressively. It’s not all that interesting until Janine puts a lit candle in Jesse’s pussy and asshole – flame side out, which makes sense.
Once they finish, we go out to the deck where everyone is gathered for a hero shot to announce what they’re going to do next…which is hunt pirates.
Janine: “Drink up, me heartiest…[Janine] is now hunting thee.”
Credits.
First, shit ending. ‘Drink up, me hearties, yo ho’ is not a copyrighted phrase.
Second, if you’re going to make a pirate fuck flick that isn’t a parody of Pirates of the Caribbean, how can you not make a fuck flick about the real-life story of Anne Bonny and Mary Read? You’ve practically got the script already written!
Third – meh. I mean, they swung for it, and this was popular, profitable, and won a bunch of awards, so well done and all that. And honestly, judging by most of the crap we review here, this isn’t terrible. Production quality, costuming, and acting is above-average, and they did actually film several scenes aboard an actual ship on actual water, so props for that. Still, if you’re going to make an effort, make an effort to zhuzh it up a bit.
Kissing: Yes