We open on Keiko, walking up to a desk with Rod Fontana sitting behind it.
Rod: “Well hello and welcome to the DY modeling agencies.”
Keiko: “Well hello there, I’m Kay, and I’m here to be a model.”
Rod: “Um…what makes you think you have what it takes to be a model?”
Keiko: “Well, I’m perky and I have a good attitude and everybody tells me they think I’m pretty, so I mean…why not?”
Rod turns and addresses the camera directly, which I don’t appreciate at all. No no no. Don’t break the 4th wall.
Rod: “And you think that’s all it takes to become a model? It’s just…perkiness?”
I’m sure it doesn’t, but perkiness, a good attitude, and being conventionally attractive are all probably going to help.
Keiko: “Well why not? I mean, I’ve had people tell me my whole life I should be a model.”
Rod: “Darling. Sweetheart. Aunty Em, Aunty Martha, Aunty Marsh doesn’t matter, the names are interchangeable because I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of girls like you from Kansas, Nebraska, wherever, okay? They think they can come and be a model because somebody told them. But there’s more to it in this town than just…perkiness and references. You need to be able to show what you got. Show, show. So have a seat and show me what you got.”
Keiko: “Uh…”
Rod: “I don’t mean a book on your head and walk the walk, I mean show me…what you got.”
His tone of voice is not subtle. Keiko, to her credit, is pretty quick on the update and starts nervously unbuttoning her blouse.
Rod: “Why don’t you stand up?”
Keiko: “…you just told me to sit down?”
Okay, that’s legitimately funny.
Rod: “I know, but I think you can do it better like this.”
So Rod takes some notes while Keiko strips to her underwear and then he tells her to take those off too, but I’m distracted by the thick, relentless mouth-breathing of the camera operator, who is wheezing into the microphone so loudly it sounds like he might be jerking off, and judging by this low-rent operation, he actually might be.
After a bit Rod comes out and stares directly into her vagina and butthole while suggesting he’s searching for ‘contraband’ which seems a little weird for a modeling audition, but I’m guessing it’s not supposed to make any sense. I don’t know why, though. This is a modeling audition! Have some fun with it. Riff on the fact that she can make a lot by modeling clit piercings so he needs to see if her fun bits are up to snuff!
And then…they fuck.
It’s terrible. Again, mostly due to the mouth-breathing camera operator, who not only is drowning out Keiko’s moaning, but also the terrible porn music that’s playing. He moves in for a close-up shot and bangs the camera against the desk, then clumsily flips on the camera light so we can better see the crevices of Rod’s taint. He’s also constantly adjusting the camera so we get loud clacking noises of his hands because they’re clearly using the onboard microphone. Some professionalism, PLEASE.
Eventually, things end the way they normally do and we get a closing line from Rod.
Rod: “I’d say…you’re past the audition.”
Wow. This was…shit. I mean, most casting-couch-adjacent porn is pretty boring, plot-wise, including the sites that aim for the reality angle (think Backroom Casting Couch with their famous black pleather couch) but this felt like they weren’t even trying, and to make the actual porn so relentlessly awful. It’s deeply unpleasant.
Kissing: No