We open on a title card, which I appreciate, revealing the title is “Blue Balls”, which sounds promising. Fade in on a fairly standard domestic kitchen circa 1999, which is when this porno was released. 

Lena Ramon (repeat offender) is standing there with an uncredited porn star. Let’s call her Megan. 

Megan: “Anyways, Brad took me out to dinner and I actually ordered the steak for the first time. I mean, he spends so much money on me!”
Lena: “Oh my god! Wow!”

Holy christ, can you imagine getting a steak. A STEAK! Imagine the luxury. Now, I’m not saying that a really nice steak at a really nice steakhouse is going to be cheap, but you can get a steak at a restaurant without breaking the bank. But before they can get into this further, the legendary Buck Adams (also repeat offender) rolls in.

Buck: “Hi girls!”

Buck stops to snatch a Ritz cracker from Megan’s plate and she slaps his hand. Excellent space work, this is why Buck is the legend. 

Megan: “Hi dad, how was your day?” 
Buck: “Tough workout at the gym, I’m kinda tired, I’m going to go take a nap in the den.”

To his credit, Buck is wearing a Gold’s Gym sweater, shout-out to Gold’s, they love sponsoring porn. 

Buck: “Hi [Lena], how are you?”
Lena: “Pretty good, Mr. Johnston.”

Okay. Buck is Megan’s dad, Lena is Megan’s friend. Relationships established. Buck says goodbye and rolls out.

Megan: “So anyways, like I was saying, I ordered a steak and he got lobster and crab, and it was just really great.”

Wait. He ordered the lobster AND the crab? Who is this guy?

Megan: “You should try it too. It’s easy, just ask and they give you whatever you want.”
Lena: “Megan, I gotta use your bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.”
Megan: “Alright, sure, go ahead.”

As Lena walks out, you can clearly hear a crewmember whispering something and the director barking “Hush!” Great production quality. We linger on Megan drinking her beverage for longer than is probably necessary before we cut to Buck asleep in the den. Lena comes in and Buck wakes up. 

Buck: “[Lena]?”
Lena: “Why didn’t you call me last night?”
Buck: “Well, my wife was home last night, and honestly, I just don’t think this is such a good idea anymore.”

Really? Cheating on your wife with your daughter’s best friend? Tell me more. 

Lena: “You didn’t say that two weeks ago when your wife was out of town with Megan.” 
Buck: “Listen I just can’t go through with this anymore, for god’s sakes, I could lose my home, my family, I just…this is a mistake.”
Lena: “You seduced me, and now you think you can dump me? Well, I’ve got a good mind to let you. Do you really think you can just give up this fresh nineteen-year-old pussy?”

As she speaks, Lena lifts her dress to reveal her panties beneath. Also, you know how nineteen-year-olds talk?

Lena: “Tell me how bad you want it and maybe I’ll let you touch me.”
Buck: “I want it bad! I want it really, really bad!”

They go back and forth a bit, Lena makes him beg more, he goes down on her lady parts, then he pulls out his dick, and at this point, you assume that coitus would proceed. 

Lena: “I don’t think so! Not after you treat me like crap.”

We cut over to Megan knocking on the door of the study. Buck and Lena hastily rearrange their clothes. 

Megan: “Dad, is [Lena] in there?”
Buck: “No! Have you checked the bathroom?”
Megan: “Yes, but I haven’t checked the bedroom. I’ll go check it.”

Megan wanders off, Buck hurriedly pushes Lena out the other door, cut to Megan and Lena reconvening.

Megan: “Where were you?”
Lena: “In the bathroom.”
Megan: “No you weren’t, I checked it. C’mon.”

Wow. Megan is dropping this surprisingly quickly. Not how that would go down in my experience. Teenagers are nosy bitches. 

We cut forward, Buck is dressed differently, and he answers the phone. We see a middle-aged woman, presumably his wife, over his shoulder.

Buck: “Hello?”
Lena: “Can we talk?”
Buck: “No. We’re eating dinner right now.”
Lena: “I want to see you.”
Buck: “Maybe later.” 
Lena: “Look, I’ll see you tonight, I’m spending the night with Megan.”
Buck: “No, thank you for calling though. Talk to you later, Bill.”

See, Buck said ‘Bill’ at the end to throw his wife off the scent that he was talking to Lena. Because he’s a cheating liar. Also, I love the conspicuous product placement of the Honey Bunches of Oats cereal on the counter, big sponsors of porn in 1999. 

Wife: “Honey, who was that?”
Buck: “Oh, that was just Bill Johnson. He wanted some spreadsheets on that real estate deal.”

We cut forward to Buck and his wife asleep in bed. There’s a surprisingly artistic shot of the door opening allowing light to flood in, and then Lena enters, closes the door, and climbs on top of Buck.

You know, cheating in and of itself is a dangerous game, and most of all played Don’t Wake Daddy (or Mommy, in this case), but having sex with someone while your spouse is asleep less than six inches away is basically asking to get caught. We already established there’s a den with a bed in the house. Fuck there!

Instead, they start passionately making out which quickly leads to summitting Fuck Mountain. It’s not terribly interesting, even though Buck spends a surprisingly long time fingering her butthole. They remind each other to be quiet a couple times, because they’re being far more noisy than any cheating couple should be when the spouse is sleeping in the same bed.  

So, it should come as no surprise that right as things are about to wrap up, Buck’s wife abruptly throws the covers off her and sits up.

Wife: “Why are you waking me up – Tammy? Jim! What the fuck is going on in here. Tammy, what are you doing with my husband – get the fuck – you are such a slut! I can’t believe you! And YOU! Oh my god. This is the end for you. I’m so done with you, Jim!” 
Buck: “Shit.”

Roll credits. 

Overall? Pretty solid. My main two complaints were the daughter Megan got written out of the plot halfway through, felt unfinished, and it was titled “Blue Balls” and it wasn’t about blue balls at all. What the fuck, Don Marque. 

On the plus sides, nice acting all around. The bedroom was so dark that you could barely make out a lot of the fucking, but that’s not a huge issue here at Stupid Porn Plots. I think the lesson here is if you want to cheat, don’t, but if you are going to anyway, find better places to do it. That’s a tip, kids. Write it down.

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 1:43
• Cunnilingus: 1:21