As I mentioned the last time I did this, from time to time I find some wacky shit that, while being appropriately stupid and / or entertaining, isn’t really meaty enough for it to get its own post here on Stupid Porn Plots, and those will become an Odds and Ends post that will just have a bunch of random bits and pieces of weird shit I’ve stumbled across in a grab-bag sort of update.
- The Roulette Table
We open on Herschel Savage (repeat offender) on the phone:
Herschel: “Hey, Molly! How you doing? Great. Guess what! You know how I’m into gambling and everything, hate to leave Vegas? Well listen to this: I just bought a roulette table. So I was wondering, are you in the mood to do some roulette play? Yeah, come right over, I’ll see you.”
Herschel hangs up and the camera pans down to a…spinning roulette table. We then crossfade to Molly Rome (repeat offender) walking into his house in the sluttiest slutty schoolgirl outfit I’ve ever seen.
Herschel: “Why are you dressed like that, baby?”
Molly: “You said role-playing.”
Herschel: “I said roulette playing. Roulette.”
Molly: “…oh.”
Herschel: “But that’s okay, I have a New York accent, a lot of people don’t understand that. Come here. You look adorable. Have you ever played roulette?”
Molly: “No.”
Herschel: “Well, then we don’t have to.”
And then they fuck.
This one is…baffling. I can imagine someone going out of their way to acquire a roulette table to make one of the dumbest pseudo-puns possible as an incredibly lame porn setup, so I can only assume that some pornography-adjacent gambling addict acquired his own roulette table, decided he wanted to write it off on his taxes, and shoehorned it into this pornography plot.
I can respect that, at least.
- The Butt
Hazel Moore, clad in a swimsuit, is standing in front of the bathroom mirror clad in a swimsuit, checking out her ass, as we get lingering porny shots of said ass. It’s a little objectifying, in a way. Also there’s sad piano music playing, which I enjoy.
Hazel: “How am I ever going to get my butt bigger?”
Hazel says maybe squats will help, which is true, but also, you can get plastic surgery. The sky’s the limit, Hazel, when it comes to artificially increasing the size of dat ass.
Hazel goes to the living room, and we get long, porny shots of her doing squats straight into the camera, along with a variety of other exercises, while the music transitions to uplifting and hopeful. Eventually she calls in her boyfriend, and Romeo Price enters.
Hazel: “I’ve been working out for like, 10 minutes, and nothing’s happening.”
Spoken like everyone who has just started working out.
Romeo explains that’s not how exercise works, she’ll maybe see results in a few months. Hazel is not about that, she’s 19 years old and her life is almost over. She suggests maybe getting implants. Romeo says there’s a lot of problems with implants – recovery time, you can’t even sit for the first month.
Romeo: “Well…I’ve heard butt sex works.”
Hazel: “Butt sex?”
Romeo: “I’m telling you, all of them are doing it.”
Hazel: “…anal?”
Romeo: “Yeah.”
Hazel: “Does it really work?”
Romeo: “Well, it’s worth a try.”
Goddamn that’s a good answer.
They decided to give it a shot, so they quickly summit Fuck Mountain. It’s fine. Hazel Moore is very nice on the eyes, and Romeo isn’t the typical trash bag that is most male porn stars, so they do their thing and things end the way they normally do.
Romeo: “I think your ass is bigger already.”
I think this one is solid, and it needs to become an urban legend. Much like semen on your face will clear up your acne, buttsex will make that booty pop. Make it happen, internet.
- Kiss It Better
We open on Marc Cummings (repeat offender) pretending to read a book on the bed, when Quincy May enters:
Quincy: “Marc, you wanted to see me?”
Marc: “Yeah, I do. Have a seat, I want to talk to you about something. Well, actually I want to ask you a question. Is everything going okay?”
Quincy: “Yeah.”
Marc: “Nothing you want to tell me about?”
Quincy: “No.”
Marc: “Nothing with school?”
Quincy: “Mmm-mm.”
Marc: “Well, I’m going to cut to the chase.”
Please do, Marc.
Marc: “I know you’re doing drugs.”
Quincy: “Mmm-hmm.”
Marc: “And, uh, I’m not gonna have it. Not in my house. Your mother might put up with it, I don’t know how your father feels about it, but as long as you’re living in my house, you’re not going to be doing drugs.”
Smooth. Also, I like how Quincy doesn’t even bother denying it.
Quincy: “Well, you’re not my dad.”
Marc: “Well, I know I’m not your dad, but maybe I should do something your father did – should have done a long time ago!”
No second takes. Also, this is now overkill.
Quincy: “And what’s that?”
Marc: “Maybe I should just spank your ass!”
Quincy: “You got to be kidding me. Smack my ass?”
Marc is not kidding, and hauls Quincy across his lap to deliver the absolute lightest of smacks since the last time we had a spanking. Quincy gives a series of increasingly erotic yelps until he finishes and she sits up.
Quincy: “That hurts. I’m gonna call the police or even tell my mom.”
Weird order of events.
Marc: “You’re going to call the police? What the hell are you talking about?”
I thought she was pretty clear.
Quincy: “The only way I won’t call the police or tell my mom is if you kiss it better.”
Marc: “What?”
Quincy: “Yes.”
Marc: “…well, alright, alright.”
Quincy lays across his lap again, Marc hikes her miniskirt up VERY inappropriately, and plants a kiss on her backside. Quincy isn’t having it with just one kiss, and demands “more of that”. Marc offers some token resistance, and gets back in there.
Quincy: “Kiss it! French kiss it! Lick my ass!”
Parents: this is why you shouldn’t spank your kids. One, it doesn’t help with discipline, and two, things get weird. Marc gets tongue deep into her asshole, and then the two of them quickly start summiting Fuck Mountain.
- The Stunt Fuck
I don’t have a lot to say about this one except that all pornography should strive for this level of commitment to the bit.
