Narrator: No, it didn’t.

Back when I first launched Stupid Porn Plots nearly ten years ago – back when I thought it would be funny to have a website that only updated once a year on the 24th of September – I was aware of this porno, and I remember it being pretty funny.

Flash forward a decade, I recall this one, decide to write a review of it, and I can’t find it anywhere. It’s one of those pornos where the powers that be decided – somewhat successfully – to scrub all traces from it from the Internet. It took me quite some time to track this down. I’m talking, of course, about this:

Now, I’m guessing you’re having one of two reactions:

One – Didn’t we say everything we needed to say in Oh No! There’s a Negro in my Daughter 1? Did this really need TWO sequels?

Two – how the fuck did people think this was a good idea to release this in 2009? WE HAD A GODDAMN BLACK PRESIDENT.

Maybe it was a reaction to that.

Looking at IAFD, there was a flurry of activity around 2007-2010 with Oh No! There’s a Negro in my Daughter (3 entries), Oh No There’s A Negro In My Wife (5 entries) and Oh No! There’s a Negro In My Mom (4 entries). I’m guessing some enterprising pornographers took a look at the state of the world and thought, “Man, I bet there are some racist-ass motherfuckers out there who would really like to jerk off to the idea of their wife, daughter, or mom being plowed by a black man” and they were right. Technically, they kinda launched the modern love affair with cuck porn. In case you need further convincing beyond the title, let’s check out the description from the back of the DVD.

“You always did your best to ensure a bright future for your daughter. You paid for braces to straighten her teeth. You drove her to soccer practice so she’d stay fit and learn to be a winner.

You even kept her away from malt liquor and rap music. But despite your best efforts, she’s fucking a Negro. Because of your failure, she’s doomed to a lifetime of poverty and fried chicken dinners. You no longer have a daughter. All you can do now is pray that you won’t have a half colored grandchild either.”

Fucking YIKES. What next, are we recreating the Selma Blair scene from Storytelling?

We open on Gram Ponante – who, it’s worth noting, is a pretty well-respected porn journalist and has a long-running porn website, and who wrote about the making of this scene here – sitting on the couch reading a book. Gram seems like a pretty smart dude, so I’m going to guess he came up with the really good lines. His daughter, Kirra Lynne (although he’ll refer to her as Scout) enters and sits on his lap. Don’t worry, there’s no incest here.

Kirra explains that she’s having a problem. Gram says it’s nothing that won’t wait until the end of the chapter. Gram is attempting an Atticus Finch impression, Kirra is not, we won’t explore this.

Kirra rants for a bit about how they never do anything together, you know, as father and daughter. They’re hitting this relationship so hard it’s honestly surprising this is not setting up some incest. But finally Gram looks up and notices Kirra’s outfit and tells her that she looks like “a harlot from the Bible”.

Kirra assures him that she’s not going out dressed like this, but she wants him to meet her friend, and calls out. Jon Jon enters the room, buck naked.

Gram: “Holy mother of god!”
Kirra: “Dad, this is my friend.”
Gram: “He’s not wearing anything.”
Kirra: “Jon Jon, this is my dad. Say hello, dad.”

Kirra crams Jon Jon’s penis into her mouth – while still sitting on her father’s lap. I guess this is the one thing that reads true: if you’re a dick to your daughter, she will absolutely do porn and rub it in your face. Figuratively or actually. Tread carefully, fathers.

Gram: “Hello Jon Jon. I see you’ve met Scout.”

Fair’s fair, that’s a pretty good line. There’s some uninteresting dialogue as she sucks dick, and then:

Gram: “Scout. I think I’m going to pop an aneurysm.”

Kirra begins visibly laughing with a dick in her mouth, but manages to regain composure and tell her father to stop being such a drama queen.

Gram: “Scout. I don’t think it would be too much for me to theorize about why you’re doing this. You’re jealous of my books, my scholarly research, you want to attract my attention somehow.
Kirra: “I’m not jealous of that! And yes, I do want your attention.”
Gram: “Well, perhaps I might suggest basket weaving. Or calligraphy. Perhaps you could press butterflies into a book.”
Kirra: “You should have made those suggestions a long time ago.”
Gram: “And so because I didn’t tell you to press butterflies into a book on your 15th birthday, now you’re swallowing schlong.”

Kirra says something, but is unintelligible around a mouthful of dick.

Again, that’s a legitimately funny line.

Kirra explains it’s because they haven’t done enough daddy-daughter things together. She’s doing everything short of writing DADDY ISSUES in Sharpie on her forehead.

Gram: “One day your mother came home with an entire jai alai team.”

Ah. Her mother was gang-banged by a group of Latinos?

Gram: “Well, Scout, I think you’ve made your point, I don’t think should bring Jon Jon to climax, that would be too on the nose. Might even be on my nose!”

Kirra says she hasn’t made her point yet, Gram mutters that he should probably put a tarp down. Kirra tells Gram he needs to watch and says “This is what you did to me, Dad.” And, you know, this is veering sharply away from what the DVD text sold me. I’m not seeing any signs that Gram put his “best efforts” into raising Kirra and the fact that he’s nonchalantly chilling out making snide remarks while his daughter plays tonsil hockey with a cock suggests he is perhaps too much of a doormat.

Gram agrees and asks Jon Jon how he likes the house. Jon Jon says it’s fine.

Gram: “Maybe we could make you a sandwich if you pull your penis out of my daughter’s mouth.”

I don’t know if that was intentional, but regardless, that’s the most well-executed double entendre in the history of pornography.

They make Graham move over on the couch and Kirra strips while elaborating that this is revenge for him missing her soccer games and not taking her to the movies, not being there, being a general piece of shit. As soon as she’s completely naked, Gram comments that Kirra looks just like her mother’s sister. So Gram has seen his sister-in-law naked? Said sister-in-law also loved black guys, and had Ebola. Classy.

Kirra and Jon Jon start fucking.

Gram: “I see that you keep your shoes on. And we’re both wearing white socks.”
Jon Jon: “Love white socks.”
Kirra: “Do you guys have anything else in common?”

Jesus.

Kirra: “So, I was wanting to go to the movies next week.”
Gram: “Perhaps we could see Song of the South. Birth of a Nation.”

Okay. Sharp turn from being funny back into being deeply, aggressively racist.

Kirra: “Hey dad. I think this is the best dick I’ve ever had.”
Gram: “Well, Scout, I think we’ve come to an understanding. You and I are having a conversation now. Maybe it took this traumatic event to tear down the wall between us, to talk about our lives and the things that we want from each other, and thee expectations we have.”

Holy shit! We’re getting into a proper therapy session in the middle of all the fucking! But then it continues.

Gram: “Maybe I shouldn’t spend all my time reading books and busting up chifferobes. Killing mockingbirds. Because it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”

A+ on the literary references. Jon Jon smacks Kirra on the ass.

Gram: “Parent can’t hit his own child, but between consenting adults you can slap the living shit out of each other.”

A), yes, that’s the entire point, and B) we’re now into ranting about corporal punishment? Jesus.

Gram exposits that the “boys from the hood” usually cover couches in plastic, so Kirra and Jon Jon need to make sure not to spray anything anywhere, because “Calpurnia won’t be here until Thursday”. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

Kirra asks if Jon Jon is from the hood. Gram says if she lifts up a bit he’ll check for a hood and then says that Jon Jon is circumcised which is good because she won’t run into smegma problems. Wha….goddamnit. Okay. Let’s make a new rule:

Thank you.

Kirra: “Dad, does the sex feel good?”
Gram: “Well, this is one of those articulated couches, so I can’t feel the movement over here. I’m on a different cushion.”
Kirra: “Do you ever get all wet inside? All warm?”
Gram: “Not since 1963, when I watched the Kennedy assassination.
Kirra: “Kennedy?”
Gram: “Yes. But there’s something I learned from the Kennedy assassination that might help you with your lovemaking.”
Kirra: “Was that another black guy?”
Gram: “They say. Back and to the left. There you go.”

NOW WE’RE INTO KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CONSPIRACIES??? And…he hasn’t been happy since he watched someone kill the president? That’s…dark. I kinda like it.

That was well-executed.

Gram makes a few suggestions of places they could go next week, including Chuck E. Cheese. Now the second reference to Chuck E. Cheese we’ve seen, which is two more than I expected when starting this site.

Gram asks why they’re wearing shoes, which is a solid question. He says that the two times he had sex with Scout’s mother – “One was you, the other was practice” – he didn’t wear shoes. Kirra says it adds height so she can suck dick better. Interesting. At some point, Kirra decides she’s not hammering home the message of this porno enough:

Yeah.

Gram makes a reference to Kirra and Jon Jon being married and having 6-8 beautiful mulatto children, “Or in Arizona, mestizos”. Which…is sorta right, I guess?

Kirra: “How do you really feel about me having sex with a black man?”
Gram: “Well, fifteen minutes ago when it started I admit that I was a little apprehensive. But I see that your relationship with Jon Jon is developed to the point –
Kirra: “What was his name?”
Gram: “…Jon Jon.”
Kirra: “Jon Jon, that’s right, I’m sorry honey.”
Jon Jon: “It’s all good.”

Judging by Gram’s response, I don’t think that was actually scripted, I think Kirra literally just forgot the name of the man she was fucking mid-scene.

Gram: “…and you seem to have a warm and caring relationship with him, you’re not going off to sneak and have sex in some dingy alley, you’re right here having sex on the couch right next to me. Some people might find that odd -”

You think?

Gram: “ – but I’ve always thought that as much time as we could spend together would lead to a healthy relationship.”
Kirra: “You never felt that way!”
Gram: “Well…a lot of things have changed in the last quarter-hour.”

Gram questions whether he should go out and fuck a black woman. Jon Jon says they’re great. At some point Gram starts whistling?

Jon Jon: “Man, you know all these crazy words, I need to learn some…etiquette, is that what it’s called?”
Gram: “Yes, etiquette, like not wearing your hat in the house while fucking my daughter on my couch within centimeters from me.”
Jon Jon: “Naw, I feel you on that, I don’t want to be next to you myself, you know what I mean…”

Gram says Jon Jon appears to be a nice young man and offers to help him with his career. Wow. He’s really shouldering that white man’s burden.

Kirra asks Jon Jon to come on her face. Gram is upset because he’s not coming inside her, and shouts that he wants grandchildren, but neither of them are into it.

Kirra: “Oh, he’s going to come all over my face, the lips I kiss you with, dad.”

You know, I rant a lot about committing to the bit, so it’s only fair that this has come back to bite me in the ass.

Kirra: “How you feel about that, Daddy?”
Gram: “I think you blew my mind out of my head, Scout.”
Kirra: “You still love me though, right Daddy?”
Gram: “I’ll love you no matter what you do, or no matter what substance is encrusted on your face.”

Aww! How nice!

Anyway, Jon Jon shoots man-mustard all over her face and peaces out, Gram says there’s some Moxies in the fridge, and the men wander out. Kirra shouts about Jon Jon just leaving, yells at her dad that he “didn’t get her kiss”, and finally slumps to the floor, muttering something half-intelligible about what even the point of this all was.

So, all told, we’ve referenced: The Bible, aneurysms, basket weaving, pressing butterflies, daddy issues, jai alai, friendly fire, strokes, soccer, incest, Ebola, white socks, wearing shoes while fucking, Song of the South, Birth of a Nation, busting up a chifferobe and Calpurnia from To Kill a Mockingbird, corporal punishment, smegma, articulated couches, the Kennedy assassination and conspiracies, Chuck E. Cheese, mulattos, mestizos, and hat etiquette.

And honestly, for as messed up as the title is, and how deeply fucked up the blurb on the back of the DVD is, I’m…impressed is the wrong word. Maybe… grateful it didn’t feature Kirra looking directly into the camera and screaming “fuck me with that n***** dick”? There’s kind’ve a few nice-ish moments throughout – such as Kirra and Gram bonding over the experience, and Gram kinda-sorta coming to terms with Jon Jon, and then you’ve got shit like saying they should watch Birth of a Nation and heavily implying that Jon Jon has a terrible vocabulary and needs a white man’s help finding a job.

I guess the moral of the story is if your dad doesn’t love you, and you fuck a black man to get back at him, it will only kinda work, because true change comes from within, rather than a dramatic confrontation.

Also, the blurb on the back of the DVD implied “you” would hope you don’t have a mixed-race grandchild, but in this porn, Gram wanted Jon Jon to impregnate Kirra because he wanted grandchildren.

Also, porn can be pretty fucking racist.

Do better, porn.

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 6:04
• Cunnilingus: 0:00