A few years ago I wrote a post called Dick Therapy about people wanting to fuck their hot psychiatrist, which prompted an astute reader, who asked to remain nameless, for my take on Horny Psychiatrist.

I’ve been known to castigate porn actors for their terrible, wooden delivery of atrocious dialog, but I think it’s equally important to call out well-delivered lines. Needless to say, we’re grading on a curve here – when I say “well-delivered” that’s against the pornography bar, which is slightly below middle school theatre production.

We open with a close-up on Dane Cross, lying on a couch with an expression that is approaching morose.

Dane: “So this all started when I was around eight, I’d say…sorry, this is kind of embarrassing. I don’t know what started it, but, I would have to pinpoint it maybe around going to, like, Chuck E. Cheese. The animatronic bears – maybe a squirrel…it seems really random, but in the grand scheme of things it all kinda just made sense to me. Like a weird trigger, I – I – just felt this urge come over me, that I had to do it…it was like a calling, almost.”

We cut immediately over to Kaylynn Calloway, holding a pen, notebook, who delivers one of the greatest “as you know, Bob” lines in adult cinematic history.

Never before has so much exposition been crammed into 27 words of flawlessly delivered dialogue. In fairness, Kaylynn Calloway has been in 498 adult films, so she does have a lot of practice. And yet, I still have a LOT of questions.

First of all – his compulsive masturbation started when he was a eight-year-old kid at Chuck E. Cheese? It’s better than him whacking off in Chuck E. Cheese as an adult, but with Kaylynn being court-appointing, something has clearly gone down. What?

Second of all – how are these things not related? Either way, it sounds like the animatronic bears at Chuck E. Cheese are pivotal to his sexual urges, and she should really delve into this. I’m beginning to suspect she may not be a very good psychiatrist.

Anyway, we cut back to Dane, and the camera pans down from his face – and sure enough, he’s jerking off! We hold just long enough for it to become awkward, and then cut out for a two-shot.

“I think I know the problem, it’s that you’re undersexed,” Kaylynn explains. “I mean, I could probably help you – I’ve seen this before. Do you trust me?”

He does, so she comes over, tells him to close his eyes and to take his hand off his cock. There’s a momentary struggle and she fights to push his hand away and you can see the two actors have a moment where they don’t know how long to keep this up. Kaylynn solves this by popping her mouth on it and he pulls his hands away. For some reason, she immediately shifts gears and says he can open his eyes, so that dialogue didn’t make any sense. Commit to the bit!

From there, it’s pretty standard knob-slobbing. At some point Kaylynn asks “You see where I’m going with this? Whenever you want to play with yourself you can just come see me?” which seems – and I’m not a psychiatrist here, or even a sex therapist – but it seems like he’s just trading in his compulsive masturbation habit for a compulsive fellatio habit, but fuck it, maybe Kaylynn’s just taking one for the team to keep him away from the Chuck E. Cheese.

I do wonder if this was an official Chuck E. Cheese sponsorship. I can’t think that this helps their brand.